Hi this is my essay for Topic A for University of Texas at Austin. Any grammatical corrections would be greatly appreciated, as well as critique and comment as far as flow and content of the essay. Do you feel it is interesting?
The topic is: Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.
"Welcome to New Delhi, India" Anybody who was travelling to New Delhi for the first time surely missed that sign upon exiting the airport-I know I did. The noise, the flood of people and cars, the smell, the humidity-I had entered my worst nightmare. Moving to India in the middle of high school from my safe suburban bubble in the Rocky Mountains was one of the most eye opening experiences of my life. Sitting in Colorado, unaware of the true vastness of the word I live in, I could have never appreciated some of the things I do now.
My grandfather was born in Ludhiana, India in 1941 before the infamous partition of India and Pakistan. As Muslims, his family migrated to a small city during the partition in Pakistan called Gujarat. Surrounded by post-partition struggle and chaos, the success which he obtained seemed like a near impossibility. Anybody who might have predicted that he would gain scholarship to a top university in Pakistan, study abroad, become a UN Diplomat, and open multiple businesses in the U.S. would have probably been called naive. I've heard stories that he used to stay up at night and study by candle light in a windowless room the size of a closet. Living in the U.S I never grasped the sheer willpower and determination it must have taken for my grandfather to achieve the level of success he did.
It's a lot simpler in the U.S; the competition isn't as fierce as it is in impoverished countries. Everybody has the opportunity to attend public school, and nearly everyone has equal opportunity to attend university. After moving to India, I was faced with the reality that nearly hundreds of millions of people live on less than a dollar a day. Seeing similar conditions to which my grandfather was raised in left me speechless. In the States it's easy to say the sky is the limit, but that's not the case in the rest of the world. My grandfather's ability to make that statement apply to himself despite coming from such a humble background speaks volumes of his achievements.
While living in Colorado, life seemed as if it was just going to happen by itself. Sure I found my grandfathers story inspirational, but I honestly didn't appreciate it until I was put face to face with the type of people he used to live amongst. For the past two years I've been travelling to the slums of Delhi to teach young children English. I was amazed by the amount of effort the students put into their studies, considering their limited opportunity for education. With their work ethic they could go far in life, but the harsh reality is that despite their hard work, they could at most achieve a 10th grade level education, let alone dream of going to college. Although my grandfather wasn't necessarily from the slums, creating something from nothing the way he did is something to be admired.
His hard work enabled a myriad of opportunities to the generations that would follow him. This put the opportunities presented to me throughout my life in perspective, and helped me appreciate the value of my education and lifestyle. I realize that if I put in as much effort into my studies as he did, I indeed can become anything I want. My life experiences have shown me that not all people in this world are fortunate enough to have the opportunities that I have. By seeing firsthand how unequally life treats people, my goals and perspective in life have changed so as to allow me to take full advantage of all opportunities presented to me in life.
"Moving to India in the middle of high school from my safe suburban bubble in the Rocky Mountains was one of the most eye opening experiences of my life. Sitting in Colorado, unaware of the true vastness of the word I live in, I could have never appreciated some of the things I do now."
You'll want to replace "in." Also, notice how you describe moving with some detail, but fizzle using the verb "was", normally a practice that causes undesirably frigid writing -- common in emotionally spent but dogged efforts. In the second sentence cited, replace "I live in" with a more lucid word or term; I'm getting at the unwieldy "tense" obscurity, currently present and worth eliminating. Lastly, ask yourself what "...,I could ... now." really means and if it makes sense.
After I saw firsthand how unequally life treats people, my goals and perspective in life have changed so as to allow me to take full advantage of all opportunities presented to me in life.
I changed that (abode) because it's not good to write, "By seeing ------> my goals and perspective have changed ..."
The first two sentences of this essay are confusing. I think you should cut them and start with this:
Moving to India in the middle of high school years, leaving my safe, suburban bubble in the Rocky Mountains behind, was one of the most eye-op ening experiences of my life. Sitting in...
