UT Austin Statement of Purpose (bodybuilding and diabetes)

Hi just came upon this website and am very happy I did. Seems like you have a very nice and helpful community.I hope to submit and critique some works and make this community even better.

Okay this is what I have so far with the statement of purpose for UT Austin I have had it critiqued and this is my third draft and I am feeling pretty confident that it is close to the final product; just need a strong title at this point. Please feel free to point out any weakness or changes that need to be made.

Thank You

I began junior high with the asinine assumption that the sciences were useless and had no day-to-day or practical application to them. For the first few years my assumptions were correct; not once were my skills in biology or chemistry ever called into question outside of school. Many would consider my request for admissions into the College of Natural Sciences Biology Department a strange choice, if I were still a sophomore in high school I would have agreed. Following my second year of high school two pivotal changes occurred in my life: bodybuilding and my dad's continued battle with diabetes. These two events have shaped me and are the deciding factors for my aspiration to obtain a degree in biology. Once I secure a B.S in Human Biology I will continue my professional education until I finally obtain the credentials required to practice Endocrinology.

Bodybuilding, though generally stigmatized with the image of meathead type characters with more brawn then wit has actually evolved into a very delicate and precise balance of patience, discipline, and science. When I began lifting I thought the more pounds I lifted the more I would grow. You should have seen how surprised I was to find that I had hit a plateau and just couldn't accelerate higher loads. Then it dawned on me, to break through this obstacle I would need to research. After preliminary findings I learned that Central Nervous System (CNS) activation is necessary for muscle gain and that by inhibiting my insulin levels before my workout I could increase the natural production of growth hormone post workout. Since then I have been eagerly following the latest in research from the Journal of Sport Sciences and Medicine (JSSM). The patience, discipline, and commitment required to be a great drug free bodybuilder have not been contained in one aspect of my life; rather, they have seeped into everything I do. From family to work, school, and anytime I take on a task -- I give it everything I have, because I cannot stand to just to finish an endeavor anymore. I must excel in it and from this need to excel stems my need to help the diabetic.

Diabetes is a very serious subject for my family and for a lot of other families across the world. My dad has had diabetes for as long as I can remember; I didn't really think it was too serious since all he had to do was prick his finger once a day and that was the end of the whole ordeal. Since studying the human body more discretely, I have learned that it is not the case. Diabetes can lead to many serious issues, including stroke, heart disease, and blindness. To compound the issue, my father lives oversees for work related purposes and since my siblings are now at a point in their lives where changing schools can possibly hurt their education, my mother is forced to live in Texas. I can tell you from experience that having a family member suffer a heart attack overseas is one of the most painful things one can endure. You are utterly helpless, even if you wanted to go visit them it can turn out to be very difficult. The quickest way you could get out to them would roughly take 24 hours. Since the moment my mother called me into the room to tell me what had happened I decided that as soon as I got a chance I would do everything possible to insure no family member had to go through what I did. With further education I believe that I can make the prevalent nature of this disease disappear. I firmly believe that there is a way doctors and researchers can figure out a solution for poor circulation in the legs, when it is found diabetics will be more inclined to exercise and thus slow down or stop the deterioration of their health. The problem is research on this subject is "sparse" at best.

The University of Texas at Austin is a leader in research funding and spends millions each year to ensure that they have the most up to date equipment and distinguished staff in Texas. Because of this fundamental reason I am requesting a transfer from the University of Texas at Arlington to UT-Austin. My time spent at UTA has been nothing less than remarkable and attending the university my father graduated from was an honor, but I feel I will be able to leave a significant mark on mankind through research if I am given the opportunity to attend a university where biological experimentation is a top priority. Two research projects that particularly interest me are: Professor Mary Steinhardt's diabetes exercise based self-management program and Professor Sharon Brown's study on strategies to prevent type-2 diabetes. Programs like these will help me to get a better understanding of the laboratory environment, while I am able to help a cause that I am very passionate toward.

After considering my hobbies and experiences I consider myself very blessed. I have found a sport that gives me an inexhaustible amount of drive and determination, to chase after any goals I set for myself. Through my father's ordeal and rehabilitation I have found a cause to put my time and energy toward. At this junction in time I believe through science and sheer perseverance many of the world's ailments can be quelled and hope to lend a shoulder toward the betterment of humanity.

did you mean until?

I really like your essay, especially your bodybuilding experience that introduced you to "real life" science. I have to admit I got a little confused after that but I see where you are going. I just think you should explain maybe why you chose UT Austin over other schools and why you fit the profile (you stated it after each paragraph but I think you could develop in a third paragraph). Now, I have to warn you that English is not my mother tongue so it could be the cause of my confusion.

I'm also applying at UT Austin in the College of Natural Sciences but in Computer Science. Good luck with your application, hope to see you on campus!

Thank you for the suggestion if you have your essay up I would like a link so I could maybe help.

Thanks and hope to see you around

This is a run on sentence called a comma splice:
For the first few years my assumptions were correct, not once were my skills in biology or chemistry ever called into question outside of school.

can you see how it is 2 sentences mashed together? Fix it with a semi-colon. That is what semi-colons are for:
For the first few years my assumptions were correct; not once were my skills in biology or chemistry ever called into question outside of school.

Nice use of the word asinine! :-)

Ah, very good example of science with bodybuilding!
The patience, discipline, and commitment required to be a great drug free bodybuilder have not been contained in one aspect of my life; rather, they have seeped into everything I do. From family to work, school, and any time I take on a task -- I give it everything I have, because I cannot stand to just to finish an endeavor anymore. I must excel in it, and from this need to excel stems my need to help the diabetic.

Nice job!!!!

Bignasty36
Hello Hassan,
This is a great essay. Just a few things Id like to recommend

I began junior high with the "asinine" assumption - might want to change that word. Its a little too strong . Try perhaps "ignorant" or "mislead"

You should have seen how surprised I was to find that I had hit a plateau and just couldn't accelerate higher loads. --- I would drop the "you should have seen" and just go into how suprised you were. That will make it flow nicer

Avoid using "you"phrases all together like: "you should have" or "You dont know how long I have waited" ( just examples) It will stream line your essay to sound more polished and mature

Your second paragraph is fantastic. I love how you talk specificly about the science you have had to employ to achieve your personal body building goal. It was very interesting. Just becareful of the last sentence. It doesn't seem to fit with the the earlier flow.

Since studying the human body more "discretely"- that means in secret or subtle. Try "intensively" or "in depth"

Did your father have a heart attack as a result of his diabetes? That is an important point that I think you should make a little clearer. If you come right out and say that, it will really evoke compassion and heighten reader's hope for you to acheive your personal goal.

Because of this fundamental reason I am requesting a transfer from the University of Texas at Arlington to UT-Austin.. try not to start sentences with "because". If you flip your main clauses around and say, I am requesting a transfer.. because of this fundemental reason. - that will sound better

Consider leaving out your last sentence, it sounds too general and a bit trite. Keep your essay focoused on only what you plan to contribute to society as a result of your education at UT

Im sure you are going to do well at whatever your goals are. Good Luck!