Hi,
I am currently a student at University of South Florida and am looking to transfer to University of Texas-Austin next fall. I know writing isn't my strong point so I wanted to get some feed back on my admission essays before I sent them in. The essay was given the following prompt:
Statement of Purpose
This is what I have written so far:
Initially, when I walked into my anatomy class my senior year; I only had minimal interest in the human body. Little did I know by the end of the year I would be devoted to becoming a doctor and intensively studying the science of human anatomy and physiology for years to come. I've always had a strong interest in pregnancy and fetus development, and the discussion in class on this specific topic inspired me to do further research. After hours of exploring, I found that this branch of anatomy, the female reproductive system, greatly intrigues me. My fascination in these studies and my personal ties to the subject, ultimately led to my desire to be a Perinatologist, a high-risk pregnancy doctor.
Throughout my moms phase of trying to have children she has had several miscarriages. Although she has never personally opened up to me about the devastation of losing an unborn child I can imagine the heartache. However, an aunt on my father's side, who also dealt with terrible difficulties during multiple pregnancies, shared with me the deep pain she faced losing a 1-year-old child. Hearing these personal experiences from my immediate family not only made me hope to have a healthy child bearing experience of my own, but to help other women who face similar obstacles.
Not only will I be able to receive my Biology degree in a shorter amount of time at The University of Texas than at my current school, University of South Florida, I feel that I will obtain a better overall education. UT is nationally ranked over 100 spots higher than USF. Additionally, I would be happier living in an upbeat, liberal city like Austin that offers me opportunities that better fit my desires. Overall being at The University of Texas would bring more positive feeling into my life not only influencing my happiness but would increase the value of my work.
Like every first year student with the dreams of being a doctor, I have received much scrutiny about what and why I exactly want to do in the medical field. The only difference is I have a concrete answer to both questions, answers that will push me through every obstacle that I face. As young women, one of my major goals in life is to be a mother. If I were to ever have issues conceiving, carrying, or giving birth to my children, I would rely heavily on doctor to help me in any way they could. Thus, I would like to provide that same security to other women. For the amount of time I am spending in school, especially pursuing a medical profession, it is important to me that I am going to school somewhere I thoroughly enjoy being. When I have my dreams set on something, I will do everything and anything possible to get to that point.
I feel like it looks really short and weird on here, but it's about 3/4 page long and i still have some info to add to the second paragraph
I think it's a great essay ...Try talking more about why you want to study at TU
if u like my comment click like^_
I added more to the 2nd and 3rd paragraph so I am just going to post them here
Throughout my moms phase of trying to have children she has had several miscarriages due to a higher rate of positive ANA in her body causing her immune system to bring about a miscarriage. Although she has never personally opened up to me about the devastation of losing an unborn child I can imagine the heartache. However, an aunt on my father's side, who also dealt with terrible difficulties during multiple pregnancies due to only having half a uterus, shared with me the deep pain she faced losing a 1-hour-old child. Hearing these personal experiences from my immediate family not only made me hope to have a healthy child bearing experience of my own, but to help other women who face similar obstacles.
Not only will I be able to receive my Biology degree in a shorter amount of time at The University of Texas than at my current school, University of South Florida, I feel that I will obtain a better overall education. UT is nationally ranked over 100 spots higher than USF. Additionally, I would be happier living in an upbeat, liberal city like Austin that offers me opportunities that better fit my desires. Wanting to pursue a profession in the medical field it is beneficial to me that there are multiple hospitals nearby for volunteering and shadowing experience. Being exposed to the diverse student body of UT will teach me about different parts of the world and expose me to different cultures and people. Overall being at The University of Texas would bring more positive feeling into my life not only influencing my happiness but would increase the quality of my work.
New1234
I added more to the 2nd and 3rd paragraph so I am just going to post them here
Throughout my moms phase of trying to have children she has had several miscarriages due to a higher rate of positive ANA in her body causing her immune system to bring about a miscarriage. Although she has never personally opened up to me about the devastation of losing an unborn child I can imagine the heartache. However, an aunt on my father's side, who also dealt with terrible difficulties during multiple pregnancies due to only having half a uterus, shared with me the deep pain she faced losing a 1-hour-old child. Hearing these personal experiences from my immediate family not only made me hope to have a healthy child bearing experience of my own, but to help other women who face similar obstacles.
Not only will I be able to receive my Biology degree in a shorter amount of time at The University of Texas than at my current school, University of South Florida, I feel that I will obtain a better overall education. UT is nationally ranked over 100 spots higher than USF. Additionally, I would be happier living in an upbeat, liberal city like Austin that offers me opportunities that better fit my desires. Wanting to pursue a profession in the medical field it is beneficial to me that there are multiple hospitals nearby for volunteering and shadowing experience. Being exposed to the diverse student body of UT will teach me about different parts of the world and expose me to different cultures and people. Overall being at The University of Texas would bring more positive feeling into my life not only influencing my happiness but would increase the quality of my work.
You need something to grab your audiences' attention in the first sentence. An engaging beginning draws your readers into your essay. Use laymen terms...ANA?
I take out 'I be able to receive my Biology degree in a shorter amount of time at The University of Texas..' it makes you sound like you don't want to put in the work USF. I would concentrate less on what UT offers you and more of what you can bring to the school, they need to know why they should select you over other applicants.
Hope I helped :) Good Luck!!
Use laymen terms...ANA?
I take out 'I be able to receive my Biology degree in a shorter amount of time at The University of Texas..' it makes you sound like you don't want to put in the work USF.
I definitely agree on these two things, didn't even think about them until you pointed them out though..I changed around the sentence about UT and USF and the timeline to say:
"UT is nationally ranked over 100 spots higher than USF, making me feel that I will receive a better quality education that follows a more realistic timeline."
the only reason i want to keep this in here is because it is one of my major reasons for transferring. Everyone I've talked to here, including my advisor said there is no way (unless i take summer courses every summer) that i will graduate in four years. I know there is still no guarantee at UT but there's a greater chance.. there other part, about using laymen terms, i took out the ANA part, because even I don't fully understand what it meant and changed it too:
"she has had several miscarriages due to her immune system attacking the embryo"
because this is essentially what it did anyway
