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Prompt A for UT at Austin: write about someone that has impacted you


alex08 2 / 1  
Jan 4, 2008   #1
I will never forget my first day as a freshman at Pflugerville High School. I vividly remember every detail of nervously venturing through the intimidating halls in search for my locker. I soon came to the conclusion that everything here was bigger, bolder, and faster. With my quiet voice, lean stature of five and a half feet and weight of about one hundred twenty five pounds, I felt that clearly, I was not ready for this. I recall that before my dad had nudged me out of the minivan, he said, "Son, it is important that you embrace this place and make it your home away from home because if you don't, the next four years are going to fly by and you are going to regret missing out on some of the best years of your life." At the moment, I just nodded and smiled merely out of habitual respect. The thought of running after the car and pleading with my dad to take me home flooded into my head as he pulled out of the drop-off lane, but the mere thought of embarrassing, let alone attracting any attention to myself, kept me paralyzed. It didn't happen in the first day, and probably not on the second or third, but eventually, I found a new outlook on life because of my father's simple words.

My father didn't take these words from a parenting book or a movie. All of his lessons came purely from experience that began at an early age. As he told it, his childhood was like a race to maturity and adulthood. Though he had speed, I don't really think he knew exactly where he was heading. When he wasn't at school, he was working for the family. When he wasn't working for his own father in the fields, he was working as a delivery boy for his mom's cosmetics business. His high school graduation came and went and there wasn't much thought given to it, just another stepping stone to "the real world." Thanks to his past, I had been given the blessing of hour-long daily talks on the value of life itself. Though I would typically tune out and set my blank gaze on him, the repetition of his lessons forced some of it to stick with me.

Things for me were a little different. I cannot say that I immediately opened up to new things when I entered high school. The truth is that it took a while to become accustomed to the role of an active high school student, but over time I came to love it all. Ok, you got me. I didn't love the unnecessary homework or the overly strict dress code, but everyday I would focus on not shying away from any new challenge or opportunity I was faced with. For example, I had always loved basketball and even though physically the odds where against me, I gathered up the courage to try out for the team and by my senior year I was on the varsity squad. I even took a shot at being in one of the school's plays but my successes in that endeavor didn't turn out so well. The point is that my father's lesson kept me in check with the realization that precious life will come and go with out waiting on anyone. I wasn't going to let myself miss out.

I have come along way from the shy, dismissive freshman I was four years ago. My father taught me so much throughout my high school career about taking chances and learning to appreciate every opportunity within the subtle brevity of life. I will have the mindset of living out my college experience to the fullest. I may not join every club or go to every NCAA game, but I plan to become fully integrated into the college life just the way my father had urged me to do in high school. I yearn for the feeling of familiarity in a world of cultural diversity and academic achievement. There is no doubt in my mind that when I graduate from the University of Texas, I will have no regrets. And I know for a fact that when my dad drops me off, my head will not flood with thoughts of running back to the minivan to go home because I will have a new hom
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Jan 5, 2008   #2
Greetings!

You've written a good essay! I have just a few suggestions for you:

but the mere thought of embarrassing, let alone attracting any attention to myself, - Better would be "but the mere thought of attracting any attention to myself, much less doing something so embarrassing, kept me paralyzed. "

Okay, you got me. I didn't love the unnecessary homework or the overly strict dress code, but every day I would focus

I have come a long way from the shy, dismissive freshman

just the way my father [delete had] urged me to do in high school.

It looks like the very end may have gotten chopped off; you might want to check that. :-)

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP alex08 2 / 1  
Jan 5, 2008   #3
oh that was the ending it was supposed to say home.

So besides grammar, do you think there are any changes to be made interms of the flow and the structure of the esssay? please me know as soon as you can, thanks.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Jan 6, 2008   #4
Greetings!

I think the flow is very good and the structure is excellent. Each paragraph seems to flow logically from the one preceding it. I don't think you have anything to worry about there!

I found a couple of other small corrections/additions:

precious life will come and go without waiting on anyone.

thoughts of running back to the minivan to go home--because I will have a new home. - I think you need some type of punctuation before "because I will have a new home" and to me, the best choice would be an em-dash; it has more dramatic effect than a comma.

Great job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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