My seventeen years of life thus far have been about hard work and responsibility. I have lived in Morris County, New Jersey, for the duration of my life. According to the 2007 census, Morris County has the fifth-highest median household income in the country. Growing up in this type of environment has shown me what it takes to live like the people around me. Granted, some of the people have been fortunate enough to inherit old money, handed down through generations, but the majority are people who have started their own businesses and have worked their way to the top. Laziness, in the eyes of the people of my community, could be compared to a capital offense. Since the beginning of high school, my main focuses have been an honors-level curriculum in school and multiple hours a day of tennis, along with family and my social life. The combination of my environment and responsibilities to both school and tennis has allowed me to become the young man I am today, and will allow me to contribute to the future vitality of Bates.
My experiences in my journey through the tennis rankings will undoubtedly allow me to contribute to the vitality of Bates. I began playing tennis when I was twelve. Two years passed with little improvement, and I became fed up with my inability to win tournament matches. Inspired by the people around me and driven by a strong will to succeed, I pushed myself harder than I ever knew I could. I ended the 2005 USTA (United States Tennis Association) New Jersey District season with a ranking of one hundred one. By the end of the 2009 season, I was ranked number one. The will and determination to succeed that I have demonstrated throughout my junior tennis career also translates into my school life. Freshman year, I took only three honors courses along with a few electives at the advanced level. Since then, I have consistently added at least one honors level course each year I have been in high school. I have taken the highest-level classes possible during my junior and senior years on top of my tennis schedule. I also decided I wanted to learn another language outside of school during my senior year, and as a result I am currently learning Italian to back up my four years of Spanish and two years of Latin. My will to learn and improve myself will contribute to the vitality of Bates because a strong work ethic and determination is inspiring and contagious. As my story can attest, I will exhibit a strong example to the students around me, and, hopefully, on the Bates men's tennis team. A strong work ethic can be taken throughout life, to open new doors, enrich lives, or reach goals. I believe that I can go anywhere with my work ethic, and it is exactly this belief that I wish to spread at Bates. This belief will enrich the vitality of both the school and my fellow students.
One word that talks to me a lot in this essay is "vitality". I see it multiple times, and sometimes it can be repetitive. I suggest finding another word for that.
Overall, it definitely is a very detailed essay, truly explaining who you are as an individual and your willingness to bring your personality to the college environment. Excellent.
One thing you want to watch out for, though, like what your previous commentor brought up, you might want to avoid listing. Yes, you talk about many different things that pertain to you. But, putting many things that are very different from each other, although they are who you are, can really mess up the compass. Maybe you could discuss only the things that relate to the point you are trying to make: strong work ethic and determination. You don't need to list all your classes. It's just too much of a good thing, I'm sure admissions officers know that from your impressive transcript. :)
Very detailed, and an excellent work indeed. Good job.
Thank you for commenting on my writing. Appreciate it.
Cheers,
tommy-j
