Hi everyone, I would like for you all to shoot me some critique for my entrance essay which I will be submitting soon to UF.
Thanks!
Topic:In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.
It was close to the crack of dawn when I was awakened to Lonnie Liston Smith's 'A Gift of Love'. I was completely oblivious to the real situation going on behind closed doors and was convinced that everything was normal as usual; the simple Saturday morning routine. When I walked out into the living room, the first thing I noticed was my father sitting on the couch with the album cover on his lap. It was as if he was entranced by the sounds coming from the needle grazing the grooves of the record as he hit his lap with every high-hat, cymbal, kick and snare playing in the song. Although his state enchanted me, what stood most mystifying was the separation I felt between my parents.
My mother sat motionless at the kitchen table with a blank stare. I began eating my breakfast daring not to ask what was wrong. My father then called me to sit next to him. He asked me how I felt. Not quite understanding the question I replied, "Tired" and found that my mother then came from the kitchen table to stand behind me. In an effort to aid the gawky moment, I asked my father what record was playing "A Song for the Children by Lonnie Smith", he replied. He then went on to tell me he was no longer going to be living with me any longer. My attempt to change the subject had miserably failed.
To some, music may mean a song or two that brings them back to a great time or event in their life. To others, music is just something to dance to. For me, music is much more than just a rhythm or dance move, but more as an escape and an outlet for my emotions. With every composition made, a story much greater lies beneath it. Aside from speaking about the divorce with my older brother, I found it difficult to cope with the separation of my family. The eminent burn lingered, with that I turned to music. Through music I found a realm like no other for expression. My turn to music ultimately only led to the best. Academics increased greatly, I developed work ethic and music became my soul passion. This experience has turned my life around. Attaining an ever burning drive to become successful has made this event one that I cannot hold a grudge to, rather it is one that I am glad to have faced because of the benefits gained that will assist me in my college experience.
Good morning.
Mechanically, a couple of suggestions. When you are naming a book, or song, or movie, check the necessary formatting style of your required citation style. For instance, some citation styles require titles to be in italics, or in double quotation marks. When you are using quotation marks, as you do in this piece, make sure your punctuation is inside the quotation marks, and that double quotation marks (") are used, not single ones (').
In regards to content, you've got a good example to use here, but you don't really link that to how this experience will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. To fulfill this part of the prompt, you can either add on a new paragraph at the end, or you can work it into one of the earlier paragraphs.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Thanks Gloria. Yea I may need to add some more but the 500 word limit is killing me big-time. I cut a huge amount of the original which had about 700+
You're welcome.
That is tough, but if you've cut out that much I'm sure you can trim a little more off in order to make sure that you acknowledge all of the parts of their question. You can do it!!
:)
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
