Please critque my letter! For some reason I think this letter is quite weak, is there any way i could improve it? Should i use sincerely or other words? Since this letter is to your roomate, sincerely sounds quite formal.
Thanks very much!!
Write a letter to your first-year roommate at Babson. Tell him or her what it will be like to live with you, why you chose Babson, and what you are looking forward to the most in college:
Dear roommate,
Congratulations! Now, we are both part of the Babson community. Aren't you excited? I am Solomon Sun from Hong Kong. Our high-school journey has just ended, but a better voyage is waiting for us at this moment. We should think of a secret hand shake, so hopefully we will reduce the awkwardness when we meet face to face in our dorm room on the first day of school.
During my junior year summer, my family and I visited twenty one different colleges in total, from west coast to east coast, and believe me, it was not an easy task to accomplish. Babson was the first college I had visited and also the best one. Babson provides its students a wide variety of courses to discover the students' potential, personal academic interests and athletic ambitions. As Babson promotes entrepreneurial thought, students might even become their own boss in the future.
While I was visiting all the business colleges in Boston, Babson stood out of the pack because of its number one rank entrepreneurship program. During my visit to Babson, I was especially attracted to the program where first year students are required to manage, market and sell an innovative product created by students within a given budget. This brand new, entrepreneurial course allows students to evaluate new business opportunities, prepare business plan, and take their first step as entrepreneurs. As the eldest son in my family, I have a responsibility to my family watch business, to develop the enterprise and globalize our market. Nowadays, it is not enough to have good quality and low price, thinking of new ideas and incorporating technology and design elements are also imperative.
You are probably wondering what kind of person I might be. Well first of all, I promise I will be the best roommate, or at least not the worst, you will ever meet. This might boost your confidence; I am a really good Chinese and Korean cook. If you feel that cafeteria food in Babson, which I believe it provides really good food, is not as quite to your taste, there is always a chef inside your room. I am also a really athletic person; I love to play basketball and volleyball. During my visit to Babson, I saw there was a beach volleyball court outside the dorm room. Would there be any chance that you are interested? Remember if you have any idea for the hand shake please reply. I am looking forward to seeing you!
Sincerely,
Sam Chan
I am happy to say I have good advice for you! In this case, get rid of almost the whole first paragraph:
Congratulations! Now, we are both part of the Babson community. Aren't you excited? I am Solomon Sun from Hong Kong. Our high-school journey has just ended, but a better voyage is waiting for us at this moment. We should think of a secret hand shake, so hopefully we will reduce the awkwardness when we meet face to face in our dorm room on the first day of school.
Next, take the last paragraph at put it at the beginning:
Congratulations! Now, we are both part of the Babson community. You are probably wondering what kind of person I might be. Well first of all...
After that, make sure you ask the roommate what he thinks of entrepreneurship and the other programs; instead of just talking about the programs you are interested, talk about them as if you are talking to the roommate... maybe he will have the same intended major!
Good luck!!!
