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"Baby Sofia and Mexico" - How can I make my Personal Statement stronger?


juliogarcia93 1 / 3  
Oct 25, 2010   #1
Prompt #1: Describe the world you come from - for example your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I sit at home, trying to teach my 8-month old sister how to clap her hands. She gazes at the movement of my palms towards each other. CLAP! She giggles. She feels the vibration of my phone in my pocket, and I pull it out only for her to thrust her hands out towards it. I let her grasp the phone, and I notice the amazement instilled in her large, gleaming eyes. Without taking it away from her, I read the text message from my mom. They were out grocery-shopping, and weren't going to get home until later at night. I put baby Sofia down and let her free in her baby walker as I walked back to my desk to continue working on my College Application for the UCs. While gathering my thoughts, I ask myself a very succinct question: why do I want to go to college? THUMP! It was Sofia. She had run into the back of my chair, but she held something that made me think of my parents; a picture of them when they first started dating. They are hardworking, resilient, opportunity-seizing, but most importantly, the main reason I want to go to college. Both of them were high-school dropouts in Mexico, and they came to the United States in search of a better life. Though they didn't have the chance to go to college, they have instilled their values upon me, and have shaped the person that I am.

The smell of crisp baked bread and hot melted cheese reached the tip of my nose. My older brother had ordered from La Prima Pizza - the place I've been working at since the age of 14. I started off making only 8 bucks an hour, and it was enough for me to realize how hard it is to make money. Now I know why my parents always say that life is hard without an education. They stress the importance of getting an education so much that I crave being successful in life. I recognize the hard-work and determination they put into the making my future successful, and use that to focus on my studies. They stress the importance of applying to scholarships so often that it doing so has become a habit. Being a first-generation student to go to college in my family, I hope to make my parents proud and succeed in getting that high-paying job that they always dreamed of having. I have that opportunity, and now is my chance to put the values that my parents have transferred down to me into action.

I sit at my desk, and notice Sofia staring right at me. I look at her, noticing how big of an inspiration she is to my life. I gaze right into her gleaming eyes, and in them, I see the reflection of my parents within me - the start of a new life...

Here's a little background on my parents:
-They were both high school drop-outs in Mexico
-They came to the US in search of a better life without any knowledge of the English language
-They are:
*Opportunity-Seizing
*Determined (Never Give Up)
*On top of everything (Never slack off)
*Hard-working
*Adaptable to a completely different society

Examples of how they have shaped my dreams and aspirations:
-They stress the importance of applying to scholarships so often that it has become a habit.
-If I feel I am stuck or feel like giving up on something, they remind me to never give up.
-They motivate me to put forth my best effort on everything
-I seize opportunities as well... thinking of my parents of course. My loss is their loss. My gain is their gain. I have the opportunity to do something they never had the chance to do. I have the grades to succeed, I just need to challenge myself, and I believe that is also a value I have inherited from my parents.

gabrielacb 5 / 17  
Oct 26, 2010   #2
Maybe you could add to your essay something about your choice of major. What do you want to work with and how has your culture and family affected this precise choice you've made.

At the end, you might want to describe how you want to be a role model for your baby sis and how taking those steps towards a college education would help her take her own steps in the future.

These are only suggestions. Good luck with it!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Oct 30, 2010   #3
They were both high school drop-outs in Mexico

Let's not be using this term "dropout," because it has negative connotations. They did not drop out if they were attending a school that failed to teach them effectively. The school may have dropped out.

Without taking it away from her, I read the text message from my mom.

Nice detail.. you really draw me into the scene.

They were out grocery-shopping, and weren't going to get home until later at night. I put baby Sofia down and let her free in her baby walker as I walked-----right here, you switch to past tense, but you have been writing in present tense.

You did not express much about your intentions for the future! How are you going to achieve this success? What have you learned about various careers that are in demand?
OP juliogarcia93 1 / 3  
Nov 1, 2010   #4
Hey kevin, I was wondering if you could read my updated personal statement and give some final feedback on it... should I paste it on here? or can I PM it to you or get it to you somehow? thanks! I highly appreciate your help!


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