Hey here is my draft for UT Austin Statement of Purpose. I need your feedback to improve it! I'm a second language student by the way. Thank you so much for your help:)
"You must be insane for dreaming such things! Why do you always dream to be this and that? All of those are impossible! You are a girl. Remember, girls never work in the offices. You just have to marry a successful man and live happily in the future." That's what my mother always said when I was a teenager. I was not allowed to have dreams of my own. My parents did not place any hopes on me. This episode may sound exaggerated, but it was a real part of me growing up towards becoming a mature adult. My parents' indifference towards me did not let me down. Instead, it motivated me to be a better individual which they had never expected me to be.
In pursuing my major in Finance, I am fully aware that there are some skills I am required to have in order to succeed; having only outstanding academic achievements are not enough. These essential skills cannot be acquired instantly. Experiences, successes, and failures are the whole process that shapes and prepares me to enter my adulthood.
Since I was a teenager, I have always been a hardworking and responsible person. I never give up and stop doing something before I achieve all my goals. A simple thing for instance, I spent more than two hours doing my accounting assignment: analyzing financial statements, making journal entries, posting all the data to the ledgers, and making financial decisions for the company. Whenever I stop doing whatever I was doing, there will be some feelings that encourage me to put in all my efforts and do the best. I strongly believe that hard work and motivation are the keys to reach success.
Entering a real working place was my most valuable experience I can never forget. I did not analyze financial statements only for the purpose of school assignments. It was for real that I made the decisions for the company. Fortunately, the owner of the company was my father, so I could have much more experiences and training related to finance major. I went to the banks several times to observe what the finance department of the company does. Then, the next time I went to the bank myself to do the real job. I took care of some financial sector of my father's business, such as the bonds, loans, and payroll. I was also the assistant of the accountant in the company. The work I did was slightly different from what I learned in my accounting classes. It was much more complex, but more practical since everything was done by computer software.
It was a domestic business that my father runs. However, I was so eager to experience other new things in joining the workforce. Therefore, I asked my father if I could work in his other company. It was a business that involved international trading; it imports materials from China to be sold to suppliers and other businesses in Indonesia. It was a new business that my father runs. Therefore, I was able to be the direct assistant of my father. At first, the only job I do was to read and reply all emails from producers in China because my father had limited ability of English and Chinese. Eventually, I was entrusted to do more complex jobs, such as reading the trade agreements and contracts, arranging the commissions and other financial agreements, calculating profits and any possible losses, and also ordering the materials from China. However, some decisions for the company were still made by my father since he was the owner of the company. I did not have enough authority to decide everything. Nonetheless, I learned a lot of new things in dealing with international business.
Personally, one of my significant strengths is working with other people. Being in the student government association for two years has developed my abilities in understanding other people, how everyone has their own perspectives, and how to interact with people with different backgrounds. I am fully aware that this skill is essential in joining the workforce. I realize that working environment consists of different people with various cultures, personalities, and perspectives. Hence, ability to cooperate with them as a team is needed in order to succeed. Fortunately, I have this skill as the foundation for me pursuing the major in Finance. I am confident my skill will help me achieving degree and career in Finance.
Clearly there are several universities that provide for a bachelor's in finance, yet the University of Texas in Austin has appealed to me the most. The qualities of the University of Texas in Austin that I find most valuable are the resources available to the students, the challenging curriculum, and also the experienced professors. I really desire to continue my undergraduate studies at the University of Texas in Austin so that I may establish a solid foundation on which to continue my studies in graduate school and finally join the workforce.
A few suggestions :
1) Instead, it motivated me to be a better individual which they had never expected me to be. - Instead, it motivated me to become an accomplished individual which they had never expected me to be.
2) These essential skills cannot be acquired instantly - These essential skills cannot be acquired in a short span of time.
3) Experiences, successes, and failures are the whole process that shapes and prepares me to enter my adulthood. - The various experiences of life comprising of successes and failures are the integral processes that shape an individual and those prepared me for my life ahead.
4) Since I was a teenager, I have always been a hardworking and responsible person - I have been a hardworking and responsible person since my childhood days itself.
There are other grammatical mistakes too, e.g., related to tenses. Please review and proofread again, and let your accomplishments speak for your qualities rather than you listing those out along with examples. You have the substance, and these things need to be written coherently and correctly.
In the last paragraph, provide proper reasoning for choosing University of Texas in Austin, and also end the last line properly, it seems to be a bit hackneyed and tautological.
