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'From back down Alabama...' - U Michigan Supplement Essay

polk540 5 / 16  
Oct 28, 2011   #1
U Michigan

Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words

We are now making a miracle. Back down the deep southern state of Alabama, a growing Korean community is creating a vibe to regional economy and cultural diversity to society. Respected for its miraculous growth, Korean community of Alabama tries to improve local economy and education by humanitarian works and financial donation, creating another miracle to Alabama. I am proud of being a part of Korean community in Alabama, where its southern tradition is strongly based on its uniform, religious conservatism; however, even if Korean community is different from American in ethnicity and mother tongue, we and American altogether believe in God who has guided us constructing automobile factories that boosts economy of Alabama.

Michigan is a unique state for people of Alabama; established, industrious, and religious, Korean society of Alabama resembles those of Michigan's. Since many Korean workers of auto-parts companies are from Michigan, from them, I have heard Detroit's unemployment and decaying cities; however, all people from Michigan are unhesitant to call their state an educational center of Great Lakes area. Transforming impoverished Southern towns by helping America to be industrialized and globalized, my Korean community has an intellectual vision: we pursue greater and deeper academics as well as extracurricular activities. I have enjoyed Alabama's easy living as well as love of nature and family. I am eager to devote, however, my life into learning diversity, a charm of University of Michigan.I am passionate to meet people from diverse areas and learn academic subjects in a higher education.
capriciousprite 6 / 20  
Oct 30, 2011   #2
by humanitarian works should be through humanitarian works

this kind of seems detached from the rest of the sentence and I'm not really sure what you mean either
creating another miracle to Alabama

who has guided should be who guides us in

we pursue greater
don't say greater, it makes you sound pretentious..just say great
OP polk540 5 / 16  
Oct 30, 2011   #3
Thank you SO MUCH!
your grammar revision helps me a lot.
I appreciate it!

Do you think does this essay flow well?

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