Back to my Roots - Common App: background, identity topic

Hey everyone,
My exact topic is:
Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

It would really be great if I could get some feedback on what to change and how to make it an amazing essay.
Thank you!

Back to my Routes

Every single person has their own unique identity and culture, and mine is Ethiopia. My 'identity' is what I am made of, it's what defines me. It's where I come from, it's how I was raised, it is my entire background. And as for my 'culture;' it shapes my identity. My beliefs and morals are made up by culture and remain throughout my entire life. My background and upbringing are what sets me apart from everyone else because no one has been raised the same. My identity would not exist if it wasn't for my Ethiopian culture and the values I have carried it through my entire life.

Born and raised in Canada, my parents never let me lose my Ethiopian identity. No matter what the country was going through they had a strong sense of nationalism like most Ethiopians. Culture and respect were always present in my life, they would never let me forget the life and beauty of my home country, no matter how the media portrayed us, they always tried hard to point out the positive. Explaining the only reasons they came to Canada, is so that one day I will be well educated enough to fix the problems and give back for the country. No matter the corruptions they saw, hope was never lost. The value they placed on my education helped me see my responsibilities in life. Every Ethiopian knows the hardships thrown at us by society as immigrants in a new world. Our parents would constantly admonish all the sacrifices they made; giving up their luxurious lives in Ethiopia to live in Canada, where they both had to rebuild their lives in a new country. Faced to reside with new people and to modify to their idealistic ways of life including learning a completely new language, and assimilating themselves into society so that they could survive. Making a remarkable arise, my mother became an Emergency Registered Nurse, and my father became an Airplane Maintenance Mechanic for Air Canada. I have no absolute excuse to slack off, being born and raised in "white-man society," familiar with the language and culture. These reminders are what keeps me going every day, knowing what my family went through to provide me with every single opportunity and for them to set the example for me of what being educated and being someone is, despite any circumstances.

My Ethiopian culture has always kept me going; through the rough times, the good times, the scary times, and etc. If it weren't for my culture, I wouldn't have survived many of the adversities that I have faced throughout my life. When I had lost my father to brain cancer, I went through a really difficult time trying to process and understand it all, it was absolutely devastating. I was dealing with something so serious that many people don't have to cope with until they are much older. Something that stands out when you lose a parent as a teenager is how little your peers your own age can grasp what you're going through. I felt very isolated, but during this disastrous time the entire Ethiopian community was there for my family and me; they supported us and made every single effort and put aside so much time from their own daily lives to comfort us and do everything they could, financially and physically to carry the weight for us. From this, I truly learned what community means and how it's demonstrated. No matter the tribal disputes, religious mishaps, or even political stance, we are always there for each other, they build you up and see the better in you.

Being Ethiopian and the responsibilities that come with it was the virtue of success. Seeing this always encouraged me to work hard in school, and share that knowledge with others around me. When society gave me a reason to hide my identity, I now found ways to make it my reasons for success. One of my main goals in life is inspired by the perseverance of my Ethiopian culture. My culture taught me to be proud and have no shame in my Ethiopian identity, giving me the endurance to strive for high academic success. This determination gave me strength and challenged me to work hard in school to teach others the value of education and its impact on our success.

It's a great essay and I loved your third paragraph, but I'd love to read more about what Ethopian culture is like-- anything at all about your festivals, traditions or values, used as an anecdote.

But I understand it is a difficult topic to answer, I tried and gave up.

anyhow, your essay needs proofreading, please go through it once or twice.

... values I have carried it through my entire life.

No matter the corruptions they saw, hope was never lost. language looks a little awkward

correct some of those grammatical errors and you're good to go!

Bethany, for starters, you need to fix the title. It should read "Back to My Roots" because Ethopia is the country of your roots and you were born of Ethopian parents, who represent your roots. A route is a course or process that you take to reach a destination. You are talking of the background beginnings in this essay. There is a big difference. With that cleared up, let me help you create a more focused essay for this prompt.

As I read what you head to say, you spoke a lot about the history of being Ethopian, but you did not really tell the reviewer what being an Ethopian means to you. How do you embody being an Ethopian in your community? In your society? How do you plan to promote your roots in college? Consider what makes you special as an Ethopian - Canadian. Your background isn't just being Ethopian, it is about you being a representative of two worlds, Ethopia and Canada. How do you balance such differing cultures into your personality? These are the elements of your background that can make this essay more informative and representative of your background and true identity.

This essay is too focused on the general history of Ethopia and who their descendants are. That is nice to read about, but it doesn't tell the reviewer anything that can really of help to him in an effort to better understand who you are as a representative of the Ethopian- Canadian community. I believe you should focus on that discussion because that is what makes you special and what will make the reviewer take notice of your essay.