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Essay - Looking back, ten years from now.

bobbydreed 1 / -  
Jan 13, 2010   #1
Just finished my temple essay. This is a rough draft, since most of these ideas came from my head over a period of time, it might sound a little off topic because I haven't added anything about my personal of professional accomplishments, but that shouldn't be that hard to add them in there somewhere. Im open to any suggestions, corrections, recommendations, ect..

Topic: Please type an essay of 2000 characters (approximately 300 words) that tells us more about you. Imagine you have graduated from Temple University. You are preparing to attend your 10-year reunion, and the alumni office has asked you to write a one-page essay about your personal and professional accomplishments since graduation. What would yours say?

This is a great time to be back in my home state and at Temple University. The Pennsylvania winters are wonderful, and being able to see the stars back in my hometown is just as soft to my heart as the snow that falls here. Ten years ago I received my Bachelors Degree in Film and Media Arts. At the School of Communication and Theater, I had learned a great deal about how the film industry functions. During my senior year at Temple, I was accepted into the LA internship program. I had first hand experience and saw the fundamentals of the movie industry and the day to day life and work combination in LA was a dream come true. My academic niche and interests were nothing short of a schism because I liked working with special effects, most especially at the studio. Josh was my instructor at the studio. It seemed like we always knew each other, and we were just waiting to meet in order to create special effects with state of the art equipment in the heart of Hollywood. I would have beaten a monkey to a banana at this point in my career.

After graduation, Josh notified me of an opening at a special effects studio, obviously I didn't hesitate to ask for an interview. Sure enough, Josh was able to set up an interview and honor me with a good recommendation. I got the job, which consisted of working with popular blockbuster films in the special effects department. Within ten years I had been part of over a dozen award winning films, and I can barely believe the clocks toll. Although, the incredible advancements partaken within the computer generated effects department have made it easier to visually catalogue my years of work. With the industry having work excessively available, my pursuit has never slowed down. Within my very own daily life, it is always fueling creative stamina.

Photography and traveling, being my second hobbies, distill my attention, yet they are the mentality of a source which streams unlimited, updated energy. I have notably entered a few of my favorite pictures at local art shows in downtown Los Angeles. In addition, my lovely girlfriend and I have visited every US national park before we got married just 5 years ago. We enjoy hiking and camping outdoors; it provides us with an equilibrium point between work and relaxation. We plan to begin visiting foreign landmarks and videotaping our travels. As for now, I am Project Manager of my special effects team at our studio in Hollywood. I also plan on traveling back to Pennsylvania to work on engineering of new technology and possibly work with music videos at a later date. I miss this University, but never will I forget where I learned what has allowed me to reach dreams that were once just shooting stars.
poisonivy 14 / 102  
Jan 13, 2010   #2
Ten years ago I had only my destination, with a large heavy ambition to succeed.

large and heavy are not the best modifiers for ambition. You could simply say "great"

Temple has given me my degree and 4 years of knowledge and resources in abundance and an environment where I cancould

Learning gives you what you need to make your goals possible. Remembering your past is how you prepare for you future.

I think these two sentences are very general and not well connected to the rest of the paragraph

When I look at my past, I realize how closely I measured all of my decisions and outcomes, and in particular , how closely they kept me going the direction I wanted to be going.

Again very general, it doesn't tell anything about you.

I think this essay could be much better in that it should address to the prompt. The prompt is very specific: "write a one-page essay about your personal and professional accomplishments since graduation". You say almost nothing of what your essay asks you: what path (profession) have you chosen, what have you achieved till now, what are your projects for the future, maybe specifically how a great department of this University has taught you the main things your present is based upon.

I hope I helped. Please,could you take a look at mine?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 19, 2010   #3
I love being back at Temple University, and I miss the Pennsylvania winters, star gazing is the best at that time.

This essay is so strong -- strong in the sense that it delights the reader's senses with interesting uses of words... beating a monkey to a banana, and the creativity with which you describe your future.

This sentence above, though, is a run-on sentence. I think you have to cut the part about star gazing in the wintertime, because it does not really go well with the rest of the para.

This is the only other part that seems wrong: yet they are the mentality of my peace of mind.
Hobbies cannot be the mentality of your peace of mind. You write so well, though, that I think you can fix this easily.

linmark 2 / 328 7  
Jan 19, 2010   #4
One correction and one question:

I would ofhave beaten a monkey to a banana at this point in my career.

My academic niche and interests were nothing like a schism

I am not sure the negation works here.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 19, 2010   #5
One correction

Hey, good call! I remember looking at this one earlier today, and I didn't notice that "of" where "have" should be. It's funny how out attention works... that's one benefit to having a ton of people look at your essay -- (as long as you don't end up writhing around in an ocean of feedback-taken-too-seriously.)

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