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My background and an experience of meeting new people

schoolboy124 3 / 5 1  
Nov 19, 2015   #1
I am applying for scholarship in UWC. This is my essay. I hope you will suggest me and improve it. Let's try to erase the flaws and obtain a perfect shape soon. Inspect this from a perspective of a UWC committee selector.

In the space below, please write an essay of not more than 300 words describing your background and family. Include an account of any experiences you have had in meeting people from other backgrounds than your own.

I am a Nepali origin. Aryan by race and Hindu by religion I am a Brahmin. I come from the hills of Lamjung where my ancestors migrated before centuries. My dad brought my family to Kathmandu for our education. I have five members in my family. It is my dad, mom, me and my two siblings. My dad is the only working member of my family. He works in remote Rolpa(mid hills) despite of his lung and nerve problems so that our expenses can be met. He is always away from family. My mom raised us. She sacrificed her career and looked after us three children. She is weak and ill due to those entire burdens she had. My brother and sister study in seventh and sixth grade respectively. We love each other very much. With dad retiring very soon and the real expenses just starting with our age, it is me the hope of everyone. A hope, which will shine and return to support this family in the near future.

During one of my vacations, dad took me to Rolpa. I was invited to a Magar (a nepali caste) family. Before entering their house, the put white tika on my forehead and welcomed me. They insisted that it is a must. Beautiful girls dressed in chaubandi cholo and patuki offered me garlands made from maize. They danced in different songs. I was presented with variety of foods in a shining, spacious brass plate. Though they ate boiled corn flour as their meal, they offered me rice nourished in pure ghee. A bowl of curd added beauty. They prepared a special dish of nettle that was a new taste. They were illiterate. They were poor. But they respected their culture and were committed to preserve it. Only their house was small, but not their heart.

justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Nov 19, 2015   #2
Pravin,you have a very interesting background, culture and family wise, you have written your essay to the point that the reader will understand where your coming from and take a peek at the Nepali culture.

There's still a lot of work to be done in you essay, you seem to have issues on choosing between THE and THEY, know when to use them by reviewing the language rules. The use of linking verbs is also a challenge, however, you can improve this by reading works of other students here on EF and practice writing, more over, read a lot to increase your vocabulary.

I wish to see your revised essay with improvement and post it here on EF so we can assist you further.
akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Nov 19, 2015   #3
Hi Pravin..
I closely read you writing..
You writing is good.
I will give you few suggestion to improve your ability..

I am a origin Nepali origin .

My dad broughtinvited my family to Kathmandu ...

My dad is the only working member ofin my family.

He is always away has long distance from family.

She sacrificed her career and looked after us three children(What meaning is this?).

... those entire burdens which she had.

Beautiful girls who dressed in chaubandi cholo and patuki ...

They danced inwith different songs.

They were illiterate. They wereand poor.,B but they respected their culture and were committed to preserve it.
EF_Carol - / 145 39  
Nov 19, 2015   #4
Your essay is well written but needs some attention. I think you should introduce the answrts with a topic sentence that coversboth answers.

it is me the hope of everyone...

This line should begin your first paragraph. Then you could explain how you got in that position!

During one of my vacations...

This needs a transitional expression which will tell the reader how the two answers are related. You need a theme. You are thehope of your family and the traveling is relaxing or informative somehow. You need to tie it together!

I also think you need a concluding sentence which sums up your essay.
You could say that traveling made you appreciate your family. You could say you look forward to fulfilling your family's dreams. Just conclude.
Good start!

ef _carol
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 19, 2015   #5
Pravin, I looked over your essay with a fine tooth comb and found some holes that need to be addressed. When you discuss your siblings, you mention there are 5 of you so tell us something about them. You also need to expand upon your interaction with the Magars. Tell us something tha tyou learned from your experience of interacting with them. What did you learn? If you had a first impression about them, did that change by the end of the visit? The idea here is to explain how your origins and the origins of other people have helped you develop an understanding of the world around you and how you deal with these differences.

I have taken the liberty of cleaning up your essay to make it more polished content-wise. However, I fully expect you to fill in the portions that need to be filled in relation to my comments above. After you do that, I can help you finalize the content of your essay.I revised it with a total of 223 words . You have plenty of room to represent the portions I indicated. Here is the revised essay:

I am Nepalese in ancestry, Aryan by race, and Hindu by religion. These roots make me and my family members Brahmin. My family composed of a total of 5 members moved to Kathmandu for the education that it offers my siblings and I. Our finances rely on my father's work in Ropali. A job he is committed to even as he suffers from lung and nerve problems. My mother cares fro the needs of our family and ensures that my siblings and I are always safe and cared for. Being the oldest among the siblings, it is my duty to help lighten the burden that my parents carry when it comes to helping our family survive.

While on vacation in Rolpa with my father, we came to visit a Magar caste home. Their culture and traditions were far different from mine and this opened my eyes to the fact that even people who cmoe from highly different backgrounds can manage to find a common ground where they can get along. Take the case of this family, they showed me that although they were iliterate and poor, they had a kind heart This taught me to always respect the culture and traditions of others because regardless of our differences, we can still manage to become steadfast friends.
OP schoolboy124 3 / 5 1  
Nov 19, 2015   #6
Hi akbarmappiare,
I mean that my mother did not do any jobs as she had to look after us. Now after 15 years, she has forgot almost everything..and she is not getting jobs. Can you help me to simplify this sentence and write it in a quite clear way so that the readers will understand.
avishkas 2 / 3  
Nov 20, 2015   #7
Hi! Here are some of my thoughts on your essay.

Disclaimer: I'm a high school senior and in now way a professional.

First let me start off by saying that your essay is very unique and interesting, but it needs some work with grammar and flow. Other people have already suggested the bulk of grammar issues so I'll just focus on flow. The main issue I'm seeing is that some of your sentences are very short and choppy. I'm not sure if that's a stylistic effect, but if it's not, then that disrupts the flow and sounds awkward-at least in my opinion. If you connect relating sentences then that'll vastly improve their impact. Lastly, the transition between the two paragraphs is very abrupt. You end by explaining a hope of yours and then all of sudden we jump to talking about your vacation. I think your essay will have a stronger impact if you find a way to tie together the two paragraphs.

These are my thoughts, good luck on your essay!

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