Thank you so much for your input! I definitely feel like I can put something together now for that essay.
I have 7 essays to write so I am kind of all over the place!
Please can I get some feedback for this essay that I put together. I think the first paragraph is a bit too long, and I also need some suggestions on how to conclude.
P.S I am not a native English speaker so some of my wordings might be different.
Describe your background, interests, personal and professional accomplishments, and how they demonstrate your potential for success in this degree and your career
Waking up every morning and going to school was burdensome for me while in secondary school,I was labeled by several teachers as a child with potential. The problem was that I had no drive or motivation so I continuously wondered what others saw in me. I managed to finish secondary school with above average grades knowing it was not my best effort. However my life changed forever when my sister who was in college in the United States went missing the summer right after I finished secondary school. She had been missing for a week, and people around me started giving up hope. While wondering around the house dazed one day, I overhead someone making a comment about how it was such a pity that my sister who was exceedingly bright and whom who my younger brother and I looked up to was gone leaving me as the older sister to which my younger brother would look up to and what a poor example my brother had to look up to. This comment made my chest heavy with a feeling that cannot be put into words and I made up my mind to change everyone's mind. My sister was found later on that summer thankfully, but someone had unknowingly made me passionate about something for albeit the wrong reasons and changed the rest of my life.
I started college at _____________and studied hard in order to prove that I could work hard and be looked up to. I finished my first semester of college with a 4.0 GPA and I was proud of myself and felt like I had proven a point. Gradually, my mind set changed, and it became less about proving to people that I was responsible or good enough to be looked up to and more about the personal delectation I derived both from learning and the rewards of hard work. I continued to put in my best in my academic studies with a couple of trials and bumps on the way but I had overcome the biggest bump of them all which was myself so the others seemed insignificant in comparison. Over the course of my undergraduate studies I garnered several awards and scholarship including the Outstanding Undergraduate Student in Finance, _______International Ambassador and being one of only 8 students inducted into Beta Gamma Sigma- the academic honors society for business students at my school in the year 2008. All these accomplishments have shown me one thing; which is that with persistence, determination and hard work I am capable of achieving anything I set my mind to do.
I intend to face the masters program in Management Information Systems at Mays Business School and my career with this same mindset.... ....
...while in secondary school, but despite my inner conflicts I was labeled by several teachers as a child with high potential.
This is great! I think that right after this part ...not my best effort. right after that part you should make a meaningful statement about personal progress, and the development of personal strength when crucial events force us to take things seriously. Make that the theme of your essay, and then tell the story:
However My life changed forever when my sister...
Now, as you write the conclusion paragraph, refer back to that meaningful theme you introduced in the beginning.
:)
Great essay. I love the strong anecdote you use to begin it. This sentence is a bit wordy, though "While wondering around the house dazed one day, I overhead someone making a comment about how it was such a pity that my sister who was exceedingly bright and whom who my younger brother and I looked up to was gone leaving me as the older sister to which my younger brother would look up to and what a poor example my brother had to look up to." If you could shorten this, or revise it into several shorter sentences, your essay would be even better than it currently is.
Thank u so much! Very good advice that i would go ahead and implement.
I LOVE YOUR ESSAY. I WISH THAT I COULD WRITE LIKE YOU.
I like the fact that the essay is talking about you. Some people tend to talk about their essay as general focus, but you have good focus here. I think that you need to do a good job of summarizing your point and claiming your reasons clearly in the conclusion.
