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My background has shaped me to become the person I am today. Common App Essay

thereis123 4 / 6  
Dec 31, 2015   #1
I just need a little feedback on both (one) of these essays. Feel free to let me know any changes that I should make. Thanks for reading!

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story. (250-650 word limit)

My background has shaped me to become the person I am today. Moving from Brooklyn, New York to Cary, North Carolina is something that is extremely meaningful to me.

Growing up in Brooklyn, I was surrounded by a culturally diverse environment. Living in the city, you are able to notice so many different people all from different walks of life. Not everyone is rich and struggle is all around. I lived in an 800 square foot one bedroom apartment with my parents and brother for the majority of my time there. The concept of a family of four living in a small apartment never bothered me because I was too young to care. I thought sharing a bedroom with my parents and brother was normal because living in small apartments is so common in Brooklyn. Something I vividly remember while living in that apartment is when my aunt and uncle and their four children came to visit for a weekend. Everyone was on top of each other and it seemed like living in this small apartment would not be good enough.

It is easy to notice a variety of cultures around you while living in Brooklyn. I went to four different elementary schools during my time in Brooklyn because my parents always wanted my brother and I around a diverse group of people. On the third day of second grade my dad took me out of school early, so he could transfer my brother and me to a school that had a variety of students. When my brother and I arrived at our new school it was the end of the day and all of the students were waiting in the cafeteria for their parents to pick them up. My dad said to my brother and I, "This, this is your new school. See how it looks more cultural?" I did agree with what he said because I saw people of all different races around me. I ended up finishing the remainder of second grade at this school. During second grade, my parents, brother, and I ended up moving into a two bedroom apartment. We definitely had more space and were not always on top of each other. By moving into this new apartment, it would take at least an hour and a half for us to get to school. We would take a bus, three different trains, and a five minute walk, all so my brother and I could go to a better school.

Towards the end of 2007 my parents told my brother and I that we were moving to North Carolina. I was excited for the most part because a nine year old does not think much about moving to a new place. I remember my last day at school, all of my friends in my fourth grade class came to hug me and say that they would miss me. After Thanksgiving, we moved into a three bedroom apartment in Cary. Everything was much more slowed down in this town, which I was not used to. I was used to the fast moving pace of Brooklyn, and people being around all the time, so moving to Cary was a huge adjustment. Now that I am seventeen years old, I understand why my parents decided to move to North Carolina; the reason was to have a better life.

I have a background that makes me want strive for something great. Living in New York helped me understand struggle and all the sacrifices my parents made for me. However this culture shock from moving to an urban setting to a suburban setting has allowed me to better understand struggle and the enriching effects of being surrounded by diversity. I am incredibly thankful for my parents and even though moving was a bit of a culture shock, it is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

(650 words)
hypersis 7 / 24 7  
Dec 31, 2015   #2
Growing up in Brooklyn, I was surrounded by a culturally
[...] apartment would not be good enough.

I think there is many unnecessary words in this paragraph and you can omit half of it. Moreover, living in a crowded apartment would be difficult, but is it really distinct your unique abilities from others and convince the committee that u are a good fit for their program?!!

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