Hey guys, new to the forum here. I would like some help pertaining to my UC application essays, Thanks.
Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
First of all, for prompt 1 I'm not really sure how to fill the dreams and aspirations part, i mean I'm not sure what i want to study so I'm not really sure what else i would put...
Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Here is prompt #2:
Mosquitoes so thick in the river valleys that repellent is futile. Trails that travel through country that every man desires to witness, but not all can. Scenery so beautiful that it rivals postcards. Bears go from being a novelty to an actual threat. This summer I went on my first backpacking trip with my dad and brother. Our destination was the Sierras. Before even going on the trip I didn't think much of the physical aspect, considering I surf, snowboard, play golf and have been an athlete all of my life. I could not have been more wrong. Even though we were only going on a four day trip, my father's friend, who is an avid backpacker, mapped our journey to about thirty-two miles; he thought we were going for twelve days.
The first two days we traveled seven miles a piece, carrying forty pound packs plus water, heavy leather boots and high expectations. It was some of the most grueling physical torture I have ever endured, covering mostly uphill terrain, and steep switchbacks, but also some of the most beautiful country in California. Lush valleys gave way to stunning mountain peaks. Creeks were born from the crystal clear waters of Duck and Purple lakes. Rock passes tested not only wills but also imaginations. We covered fourteen miles to reach camp at Beetle Bug Lake to fish and hike and hike there for two days, but the final day of our trip was without a doubt a true test of our wills to push on and make it out in time.
When I look back at the trip, I hold no regrets and will hopefully have the chance to take part in the same journey again next summer. Although I saw a vast range of flora and fauna, the true value of the journey was to test my fortitude. The final day we traveled eighteen miles, hiking over steep uphill climbs, passing through granite slabs and crossing multiple creeks. Not to mention walking from just after seven in the morning to past eight at night. I am very proud for not only making it all the way, but also for the support I gave and received from my dad and brother to keep going, even when there were times that we simply just didn't want to keep pushing on. This trip was an affirmation of my personal strength and resolve. The whole expedition I was determined to make that deadline we planned. We didn't have to, but I felt it like a goal that I needed to accomplish to make the most out of the trip. In the end of it all, the journey strengthened me not only physically, but also mentally. I take pride in touting strong physical attributes and mental strength, and I beyond doubt believe it part of who I am.
Thanks again
Overall I think it is really good, but I feel that there is something missing.
I just don't know what, maybe you should add more to what things you did.
I like how it all flows and how it shows that you are always a person who is goal oriented.
God damn these packs are heavier than shit.
This is not going to impress them! They want you to respect them enough to use proper speech. I respect your artistic freedom, but stay true to your purpose. Show them your seriousness.
I truly believe that this journey reinforced my thoughts that I am a person that just doesn't give up. --- this sentence is about truly believing something... as if anyone would doubt whether you TRULY believe. I think it should be revised to say something specific; say what you really mean: This trip was an affirmation of my personal strength and resolve.
:-)
Thanks for the feedback, it is very much appreciated. I wasn't sure whether or not the beginning sentence was appropriate. Also, i think your suggestion for the end will really help o make my paper not sound too "fake" if you know what i mean.
Thanks again!
Yeah, it's hard not to sound fake, because the point of the essay it to impress... it's the same as dating, really... hard to keep it real when trying to impress.
Ya, I know what you mean. Thanks again for the tips, and hopefully I'll be submitting another draft or another essay to the forum this weekend.
One more thing (if you happen to check the thread again), would you suggest splitting up the essay into at least 2 paragraphs just for ease of reading?
Yes, definitely use 2 paragraphs next time. I should have made that suggestion in a previous post... The purpose of paragraphs is to communicate effectively, one idea at a time.
So, for each paragraph you write, the reader should have a particular experience. Artfully use paragraph breaks when you want to emphasize an idea (i.e. for example, the idea I expressed above "one idea at a time" was important enough that I skipped a line before writing "So, for each..."). I do a paragraph break whenever I make a point I want the reader to consider for a moment. And when I speak, sometimes I do a "dramatic pause" for the same reason. It is a good habit for a communicator to be in! Never write without using paragraphs.
to your prompt1: .There is something I can recommend you to write about
- how your family has influeced youraspirations. It's one thing what you want to become, it's another thing what your parents desire.
- you could write that because you see many people living under poor conditions , therefore you desire to a become politian to better that problems.
- make up a story abt someone who 'is very close to you have an uncurable disease, therefore, that encourage you to become a doctor to find the remedy.
- or you could say that because you're impacted by your bad buddies, playing about all days, so, influence your dream that u want to be the leader of a robber group or criminal.. ^_^
All the prompt means just that: how your environment influen you, your characteristics and your thinking, therefore, influence your future..
Thanks for clearing that up Kevin. I will be sure to add some paragraph breaks.
And to bemytthm, thanks for the suggestions, I'll see if i can work something like that into my paper, maybe not so exaggerated but similar. Hopefully it will have the same effect.
Which ending should i choose? Thanks for the feedback!
UC Prompt 2- Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Lush valleys gave way to stunning mountain peaks. Mosquitoes so thick in the river valleys that repellent was futile. Creeks were born from the crystal clear waters of Duck and Purple Lakes. Rock passes tested not only wills but also imaginations. Last summer I went on my first backpacking trip with my dad and brother. Our destination was the Sierras. Before even going on the trip, I didn't think much of the physical aspect, considering I surf, snowboard, play golf and love the outdoors. I could not have been more wrong. Even though we were only going on a four-day trip, my father's friend, who is an avid backpacker, mapped our journey to about thirty-two miles; he thought we were going for twelve days.
The first two days we traveled seven miles a piece, carrying forty-pound packs plus water, heavy leather boots and high expectations. The third day we camped at Beetle Bug Lake to fish for rainbow trout. It was the fourth day that really tested us. We rose early, six am give or take. As my dad started to boil water for oatmeal, my brother and I started packing up the tent and sleeping bags. By seven am we were off. The first three miles went quickly; they were mostly downhill and we covered the distance in less than two hours. By noon we had made amazing time; just five hours into the day and we were already past the Ivy Bells Hot Springs.
It was two o'clock and spirits were high. Having already stopped for lunch, it was time to tackle the last eight of the eighteen miles to arrive at Reds Meadow. From the map it seemed that we just had one steep mile, and from there gradual terrain. We should have bought a better map. The steep mile was there, and it took us over an hour to cover it, but instead of being mostly flat, the remaining seven miles were pretty much all uphill. It was five o'clock and we were tiring, so much that we all decided on taking a nap. Once recharged, we were back at it. But it wasn't like the morning; we were no longer taking pictures of all the scenery, but just thinking about getting to Reds Meadow. Sundown was approaching, and the temperature was dropping. As we were starting to get out the flashlights, we ran into half a dozen deer. I think they weren't expecting us since many people do not hike past sundown, because as the sun drops new dangers may arise. The deer's charming nature distracted us from our exhaustion, and in an hour's time we made it. Sore, beaten and blistered we arrived at Reds Meadow.
Ending 1:
When I think about the deer we saw at dusk, it's as if a bright light were shining upon them. In the darkest part of the evening those deer brought a moment of illumination. Most days those deer probably go unnoticed, but that evening I embraced their presence. Whether they are in the woods or at school, I know this journey will push me to seek new adventures.
Ending 2:
It was a great accomplishment to hike all that distance, but I also gained something else from the trip. I realize that nature is our natural element, one we most certainly feel at peace in. Even during the times when I was exhausted, the wood's serenity didn't allow for much anger or frustration. Nature also gave me place to bond with my dad and brother, something I will no longer take for granted. When I think back to those lush valleys and stunning mountain peaks, I will also remember what they taught me, for it was what I learned that gave the journey true worth.
