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"Bad economic times are coming!" - Common App (experience, risk, dilemma)

dfdfdf 3 / 5  
Oct 12, 2010   #1
Tell me what you guys think about this essay for the Common App. I already had one teacher review it but thought I would ask you guys! thanks!

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

"Bad economic times are coming!" "Worst time since the depression!" recited my father, telling my family his nightly AM radio news channel "hot topics," which were mostly money problems. I did not give much thought as to what my father was talking about; I was only fourteen. Little did I know, I would be sitting on my couch watching television, jobless at seventeen, listening to newscasters repeat what my father said that night.

When I turned sixteen, the age at which most places hire teenagers, I decided that I would start applying. Armed with a pen, my Social Security number, and my most professional outfit, I hopped into the passenger seat of my mom's car. Most of the places that I asked for an application from said that they either did not need the help at that time or only hired people over the age of eighteen. I applied anyway and told them that if they ever needed someone in the future to give me a call. I continued applying to places whenever I saw a sign claiming help was wanted, but apparently my help was not. "Was it my freakish six foot four inch height?" "Are nights and weekends not good enough?" "Did I stumble into a bad outfit choice?" All self-conscious questioning aside, I began to realize that adults with college educations were having a hard time finding jobs. Not only were the stores cutting down on employees, but more people were applying. I believe that I have the right qualifications for a job at a food store or at the mall, but adults with families needed these jobs and places were barely hiring those adults. That summer I ended up working with my father at his place of work, where I got to not only work, but spend quality time with my dad, which I believe was the best job I could have asked for.

If I had not maintained my determination for success, lost my positive attitude, and let, as the movie A Cinderella Story puts it, "the fear of striking out keep (me) from playing the game", I would probably live my life fearing rejection, never taking risks. But instead, I kept applying to stores and did all that I could do given the hard economic times being faced by the country, and got the great experience of working with my father for a summer as a reward. I learned that I should always stay determined and motivated regardless of the fact that rejection is a possibility and that things will not always go my way. This is the same determination that I applied to my studies in school where, regardless of if I got a job or not, I would always give my utmost attention to, qualifying me to be inducted into the National Honor Society based on my scholastic achievements and community service. So here I sit at my desk, typing this college admission essay with the same hope that I will be accepted into your school. I will do the same when the time comes for me to apply to medical school and the same when I am writing my resume to the hospital of my choice, where I intend on making bold discoveries in the world of plastic surgery, where I will make sure to give ample opportunity for young adults, interested in the medical field, to be a part of my team.
simbamaxxed 5 / 59  
Oct 12, 2010   #2
Your essay is both unusual and topical,given of course the recent economic woes.Generally well written,but my feeling was this essay is more congruent with the topic"Discuss an issue of local,national or international concern...etc(ie the apparent slump in the job market and economy)" rather than the one you chose.Just a thought!

I would omit the part about the National Honor Society.I understand why you would feel you want to include it, It sounds like a major achievement(I'm not american).But I've read several times that mentioning of academic achievements in an admissions essay is not popular with admissions officers.I'm sure it's listed elsewhere on the application and they will definetely know about it.

Other than that,It's really good.Best wishes:)
OP dfdfdf 3 / 5  
Oct 12, 2010   #3
thank you so much you are so right about the topic change! yes I was unsure of adding this NHS info in as they can see that i was in this from my application but my teacher told me to add another time where this determination helped me...i think ill take it out and change to this new national concern.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 15, 2010   #4
no need to stop the " " quotes:
Bad economic times are coming! Worst time since the depression!" recited my...

listening to newscasters repeat what my father said that night. (right here, you might want to add a thesis statement that answers their question about what your significant experience was)

Not only were the stores cutting down on employees, but more people were applying.

very good observation.

Can you talk about the significant experience more clearly? And it would be great if you could talk about it as something that influenced you toward plastic surgery. Most people think of it as "cosmetic surgery, but that is not what plastic sugary is all about.

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