This is my first post and this forum seems pretty strict! Please tell me if I messed anything up!
"Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum)."
Though I sometimes think of myself as a perfectionist, I never was the "Look before you leap" type. It always seemed to me that the best way to learn and gain experience was through trial and error. Unfortunately, I still abstained from this philosophy when I purchased my first stock in my sophomore year of high school. When I bought that single share of Google I didn't consider that I could lose a significant amount of the money that I had invested, but I was eager to see what I was capable of.
It wasn't long before the stock dropped. I had failed, but I persistently bought into another company, refusing this as a final outcome. Looking back at my choices, I wasn't trying to profit as much as I was trying to figure out how to profit. That's why I enjoy trading stocks: not only because it is exciting to see success every once in a while, but also because there is nothing like gaining a bit more understanding of how the market, one of the most mysterious things in the world, works.
This is the first draft, so I would appreciate as much criticism as you guys can give me.
You could use more sophisticated vocabulary.
If you could look at my essay, I would appreciate it!
i think you should combine the first and second sentence of your second paragraph and maybe include a little bit of your feelings of when the stock dropped.
Id like more criticism on the content if that's possible
K: so, first it is SO COOL that you traded stocks in highschool. For anyone who's reading this, it's out of the ordinary and a perfect topic.
However, in order to really live up to its potential, you need to make it sound a well, sophisticated as it really is.
Though I sometimes think of myself as a perfectionist, I never was the "Look before you leap" type. [okay. So, I know you are trying to explain that you take risks, sometimes without thinking of them all the way through, while still presenting yourself as a studious person. However, because of the thousand character limit, I would just start "I never was the "look before you leap" type." I promise they won't think less of you, your grades and tests scores will reveal whether or not you are a perfectionist!] It always [remove always] seemed [put in present tense; say seems to me. Your opinion hasn't changed.] to me that the best way to learn and gain experience was [again, is] through trial and error. Unfortunately, I still abstained [abstained means refrained. as in you didn't follow this philosophy. but you did. you made bad investments. so change the word? unless i misunderstood] from this philosophy when [i"n my sophomore year of highschool, I purchased my stock" phrase it first way because the most important part of the sentence, the stock purchasing, should be at the end. trust me.] I purchased my first stock in my sophomore year of high school. When I bought that single share of Google[comma] I didn't consider that I could lose a significant amount of the money [delete that I had invested. we know] that I had invested, but I was eager to see what I was capable of.
It wasn't long before the stock dropped. [elaborate. how much did you loose? at this point, we are curious] [Even though I had failed, I bought into yet another company. Loss would not be the final outcome of my gamble] I had failed, but I persistently bought into another company, refusing this as a final outcome. Looking back at my choices [delete at my choices. what else where you looking back at?], I wasn't trying to profit as much as I was trying to figure out how to profit [good, good]. That's why I enjoy trading stocks: not only because it is exciting to see success every once in a while, but also because there is nothing like gaining a bit more understanding of how the market, one of the most mysterious things in the world, works.
I would change your last sentence a little. Not the message, merely the wording. I hope i helped. And of course, those are all just suggestions. Feel free to ignore me :)
Oh yah! thanks for reading my essay!
Thanks for the feedback! I'll definitely take a look at your essay as well.
Here's a revision I made:
I never was the "Look before you leap" type. It always seems to me that the best way to learn and gain experience is through trial and error. Unfortunately, I continued to abstain from this philosophy when, in my sophomore year of high school, I purchased my first stock. When I bought that single share of Google, I had not considered that I could lose a significant amount of money, but I was eager to see what I was capable of.
It wasn't long before the stock dropped. Even though I had failed, I bought into yet another company. I would not let loss be the final result of my ventures. Now that I've looked back at the choices I've made, I've noticed that I wasn't trying to profit as much as I was trying to figure out how to profit. That's why I enjoy trading stocks: not only because it is exciting to see success every once in a while, but also because there is nothing like gaining a bit more understanding of how the stock market, one of the world's most mysterious things, works.
Thanks for the help! I'd still like any other advice from anyone who cares to give it.
Unfortunately, I continued to abstain from this philosophy when, in my sophomore year of high school, I purchased my first stock.
Take out the commas here, it seems a little too much.
Other than that, there does seem to be a lot of clause-use within your essay but I think the content is nice.
& please critique the revisit of my short answer!
I think you should break up your sentences, but it is good!
Could you take a look at my revised essay about my grandmother?
