I'm not sure if this tells enough about me and there might be some awkward places. I was wondering if you guys can help me fix it.
Thanks in advance!
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
The aroma of the freshly baked sausage and red bean buns filled the air as I took the pans out of the oven. Friends from my church were over for a leaders' meeting and I was eager for everyone to try my new experiment. While we were waiting for it to cool down, I snuck a quick bite and was surprised. It was tasteless and hard -- nothing like the bread at the local bakery. When they were just warm, my fellow leaders tasted it and told me that it tasted good, not to hurt my feelings, but it didn't matter to me. I was determined to get it right somehow.
It may seem odd that a male high school student took baking as a hobby, but for as long as I could remember, I always loved activities where you use your hands to create something--whether it be wood working or knitting. It all started on a Sunday afternoon, after a piano test I had just taken. I was biking by myself that day since the rest of my family was at church, so I decided to get a snack at Kawaii Bakery; I bought a ham and cheese bun and a sausage bun. After finishing them, I looked at the wrapper for a while and noticed that the ingredients in them were simple, everyday things that could easily be found in any kitchen: "Flour, butter, water, sugar, egg, milk, yeast, salt." While pedaling home my curiosity took over and I thought to myself, "Couldn't I just make this at home?" The next thing I knew, I found a recipe online and gathered all the ingredients on the kitchen table, ready to be turned into some buns.
I measured everything and started to knead it together. I started to get excited when the combination of ingredients merged into a single gooey mass. But that excitement turned to worry when the gooey mass stayed a gooey mass, even after two hours of kneading. Not sure of what to do, I just added some more flour to make it more dough-like, shaped the buns, and let them rest on the kitchen counter to proof.
During the time the bread was rising, I turned to the internet to find some information on what went wrong. It turned out that I was using the wrong flour which resulted in less gluten being formed during the kneading process. As I later found out, this caused the crumb of the bread to be dense and hard. Also, unless I wanted to wait several hours for the dough to rise sufficiently, I needed to relocate the pans to a warmer place. I left them in the new location for too long and before I knew it, the smell of alcohol filled the air due to the yeast being overactive. My friends arrived and the leader's meeting was going to start. I had to work with what I had.
Even though my first time making bread could have been considered a failure, looking into what caused those problems opened a door to the wonders of sourdough and intricacies of the chemistry of baking. Now understanding the amount of work, time, and science that goes into a roll, I gained a true appreciation for the basket of bread we get before our meals at restaurants. It wasn't until I actually made it myself that I realized how much we take advantage of many simple things such as bread.
Tong,
I adore this essay. It made me smile and laugh. It has personality, color, depth and authenticity--all the things that I really look for in a stellar college admissions essay. If I could give you a few major suggestions, I'd recommend the following:
-Maximize the inherent comic value of this story:
"While we were waiting for it to cool down, I snuck a quick bite and was surprised. It was tasteless and hard -- nothing like the bread at the local bakery. When they were just warm, my fellow leaders tasted it and told me that it tasted good, not to hurt my feelings, but it didn't matter to me. I was determined to get it right somehow."
This is hilarious! So, use it. What did it taste like? Be creative. What was the expression on your friends' faces when they tasted it--a strange mixture of gratitude, pity and disgust? This is a funny situation, and I think you can bring out the humor while at the same time conveying your dedication to bread-baking.
-Trim the fat--think about writing more concisely. I love your story, but at times, your language gets away from you. What's the word limit on this essay? The actual bread-baking process seems a little wordy, which in turn makes your reader lose interest.
-Conclusion: I think you can find a better moral to your story, or even end your essay on a comical note. You might even address the concept of you being a male that is interested in baking. It's true that there is an unfortunate gender stereotype here, but, it is absolutely refreshing to see you defy that, and without a bit of self-consciousness, share such a quirky, interesting and authentic story.
Great work!!!
Cheers,
Janson
Thank you so much for all of your help! I took all of your suggestions into consideration. However, I don't know how I can make it shorter. I took out lots of it, but ended up replacing it all while I was rewriting. Also, does this talk about me enough? Should I incorporate more of how it relates to me and less of the story?
I hope this is better.
Thanks again!
The aroma of the freshly baked sausage and red bean buns filled the air as I took the pans out of the oven. Friends were over for a leaders' meeting and I was eager for everyone to try my new experiment. I put the beautiful, golden brown buns on a wire rack to cool and a feeling of pride came over me. I snuck a quick bite and was surprised. It tasted like alcohol and was hard--nothing like the bread at the local bakery. As my friends tried it, I could see the disgusted expression on their face and the lump in their throat as they downed the bread with difficulty, but with a reassuring half-smile they said it tasted good, probably not to hurt my feelings. With a nervous laugh, I said thank you. Next time, I was determined to get it right.
It may seem odd that a male high school student took baking as a hobby, but for as long as I could remember, I always loved activities where you use your hands to create something--whether it be wood working or knitting. It all started on a Sunday afternoon, after a piano test I had just taken. I was biking by myself that day since the rest of my family was at church and I decided to get a snack at the bakery. I bought two buns and after finishing them, I looked at the wrapper and noticed that the ingredients in them were everyday things that could easily be found in any kitchen: flour, butter, water, sugar, egg, milk, yeast, and salt. While pedaling home my curiosity took over and I thought to myself, "Couldn't I just make this at home?" The next thing I knew, I found a recipe online and gathered all the ingredients on the kitchen table, ready to be turned into some buns.
I measured everything and started to knead it together. I started to get excited when the combination of ingredients merged into a single gooey mass. But that excitement turned to worry when the gooey mass stayed gooey, even after two hours of kneading. Not sure of what to do, I added some flour to make it more dough-like, shaped the buns, and let them proof in a warm place.
During the time the bread was rising, I turned to the computer to find some information on what went wrong. It turned out that I was using a flour with a lower protein level and that affected the body of the dough. While lost in discovering the intricacies of bread making, I smelled a beer-like scent in the air and I realized the yeast did its job too well in fermenting and the dough was overproofed. Working with what I had, I said a little prayer, and put the pans into the oven. While they were baking people arrived for the meeting.
Although my first time making bread could have been considered a failure, exploring what caused my problems opened me to the world of baking. I gained a true appreciation for the work and science that goes into the creation of a loaf of bread. Baking, to me, is a creative outlet where I can experiment with new ingredients and flavors and a way to share my passion with other people. Sure, my friends may sometimes laugh at me, but they are left speechless once they've had a taste.
While they were baking people arrived for the meeting.
This sentence seems out of place. You're not transitioning into the leaders' meeting, so the paragraph flows best without this last sentence.
Sure, my friends might laugh at me, but they are left speechless once they've had a taste.
Other than that, Solid Essay Tong!
