"The Balancing Act"

Okay this is my first time here so here is the prompt for the personal statement:
"Explain any personal experience, responsibilities and/or challenges that have impacted you or your academic achievements and/or your choice of career. Please be as detailed as possible"

Consider a room. Now in that room there is a queen-sized bed, desk and chair, TV, and the typical bookshelf. Posters, drawings, and the occasional certificate or two line up the walls. Everything in that room is pretty ordinary and typical. That is all except one forgotten detail: the hastily taped up sheets of paper.

Reeking with the sharp scent of Sharpie markers, the sheets of paper towering over me are crinkled like autumn leaves from being constantly written upon. Numbered columns filled with equations take up one of the sheets coming to a grand total of a hundred- eighty three equations to memorize in just three weeks. The remaining four sheets are filled with intricate equations. None of these would make the slightest sense except to an AP Physics student.

Pride and frustration rose to the surface of my chest as I looked at these sheets for the twentieth time that week. Pride because I had finally memorized the one hundred eighty- three equations written on the sheets. Pride because for the first time I finally saw AP Physics the way my teacher and other students saw it without feeling totally lost looking at these equations. Pride because I didn't give into the temptation of dropping that class. Frustration because doubts started creeping in: "Will I actually still remember all of these until next Monday?" "Could I have possibly copied an equation down wrong?" "What if I mixed up some of these diagrams with each other?" Frustration because my mind and body were exhausted from staying up late at night for days studying non-stop.

Exhaustion seemed to be both my mortal enemy and best- friend. Enemy because after a grueling track practice I would come home wanting to fall into a much deserved sleep. Enemy because I would always be battling it while studying during those long, tedious nights. Best- friend because this would be my motivation to finish my carefully planned studying every night, and fall into a restful sleep. Best- friend because with it only two things were set into my mind: leaving that exam room with no regrets, and finishing track season with new personal records.

Right now I'm staring at these sheets of paper. Pride swells up to my chest looking at these sheets of paper. Pride because every school year like the sheets of paper taped up I have always managed to fill my mind with lessons painstakingly learned. Pride because at times I may have been tempted to drop a class just like AP Physics, but I stuck through it. Pride because just like AP Physics I have always put not just my best foot forward, but jumped with both of my feet. Pride because at the end of every school year I never have any regrets about the decisions I made in regards to school. Pride because these are what define me not just as a student but my outlook at life, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Any suggestions for my ending simply because I don't like my how I ended mine?

I actually liked the way you ended it, but maybe you can say why pride has affected you in someway. Like... made you a stronger person or something of that nature. I feel you did a wonderful job on this paper though. The repetitive usage of words really brought out what you were trying to say. Maybe changing up a few words can help ease the flow of things. You used because a lot... which can take away from the other words like "pride" & "best friend"

Thanks for the comments :) truly appreciate it and yes I see what you mean about certain words changing the flow of the paper.

I would have to agree in the sense that I like the ending as it is. I also like how you used dialog for your thought processes because it makes it more interesting. The only thing is that in the 2nd paragraph I would not use pride so much because you emphasize the word "pride" in the last paragraph. So by limiting the usage of pride in the 2nd paragraph your final paragraph will be much more powerful

Might you mean "imagine?" Consider makes me think I am only supposed to think about the idea of a room and nothing more--but you want me to picture details.


For the sake of parallelism, this sentence would flow more if you rewrote "and the typical bookshelf." Even "a typical bookshelf" would do. It's minor, so don't fret--just putting it out there.

Posters, drawings, and the occasional certificate or two line up the walls.
You don't need to waste words with "or two;" "occasional" establishes your tone very well, don't steal the spotlight from your star :-) "line up" makes me think of elementary school kids getting in line or a line-up at a jail. "line" by itself does just fine.


You just said typical a few words back...either get rid of this or enrich the imagery with a new word that will increase its cohesiveness

That is, all except for one forgotten detail: the hastily taped up sheets of paper.
I wonder if there should be a hyphen, taped-up

Numbered columns filled with equations take up one of the sheets coming to-- a grand total of a hundred- eighty three equations to memorize in just three weeks.


Wait a second, you mentioned one sheet and then four. That makes five (aren't I great with numbers? haha)...how do five sheets of paper tower over you? Either I'm missing something or you should be more clear

None of these would make the slightest sense to anyone except to an AP Physics student.
What about your teacher? I don't know him personally, but...


Aha! So there are others who understand those funky equations =)


Wait, exhaustion is your motivation for studying? You study because you love the feeling of exhaustion? I thought your motivation might be a good grade or knowledge or something, but okay...


Ha That's great way to use a cliche in an original way =D

Pride because these are what define me not just as a student but my outlook at life-- and I wouldn't want it any other way.

What is "these"? I'm a bit unclear on what you are referring to. The sheets?

Actually, I think the conclusion could use a little something...maybe move beyond pride and make a more general statement. Try to do what Kayla suggested about incorporating how pride affected you. Ok, you are proud, I get it (that is why you keep repeating it right?) and...what? Working hard made you proud. People are usually proud of themselves for a job well done, but why did you choose to write an essay about pride? Why is that quality important to you? How do you see your future change based on your acquisition of it? Those are some suggestions for you to think about. Overall, this is a pretty good essay, congrats :-)

greengrl247: thanks!!! much appreciated and i also thought that using "pride" so many times did take out the effect i wanted in my conclusion.

Yayz: thank you for taking the time to look at my essay :) I will take your reviews into consideration when rewriting it. Afterall, I know it'll take a lot of drafts before I get the final product that I want.

Consider a room. Now in that room there is a room with a...
I think the extra words at the start slow it down.

"Consider a room" makes it sound like there will be a hypothetical proposition or something. It seems to be a loose end that needs to be tied up. Why should the reader be asked to consider the room? You might want to simplify at the start, and then as you reread you'll see the whole thing come into focus.

After the sentence about the hastily typed up pieces of paper, it would be good to add a sentence that proclaims for the reader your central message for the whole essay. That paper represents something, so express it here at the end of the first para instead of ending the para after those three sentences.

The repetition and philosophy at the end are nice, but it would be better if you ended this by clearly explaining the process for overcoming such adversity and the techniques you can use for overcoming similar adversity in college.

:-)