This is my essay to the prompt:
Describe a person who has had a significant influence on you and describe that influence.
All feedback is appreciated.
When I emerged into this world I was a bundle of innocence, naivety and ignorance. Of course, since my emergence I have aged and with my gaining of years came a loss of innocence. This was not a harsh sudden process in my earliest years, rather I was slowly eroded. As the river of experience flowed through my life I grew aware of the deepening stream bed of cynicism appearing at the back of my mind. The new found cynicism did not worry me terribly, for I felt it was a part of growing up and accepted it as a normal part existence. A child does not notice themself gradually mature, but rather are one day hit by the realization that they are no longer a child. So it was for me and my mental coming of age. The self-awareness of my cynicism was earth shattering in it's suddenness, so I reasoned that the source of this disillusionment could be attributed to a single definitive source. I began the search for the sinister wickedness that had killed my innocence. Surely my parents who had molded me since birth could not be responsible for this, for they who had raised me were open, honest, and devoid of hypocrisy. I had almost forsaken my search for the snake who had fed me the apple, when the source of my disillusionment was presented before me. George W. Bush was staring up at me from the newspaper that my father had just discarded.
When a child is asked what they want to be their answer is invariably a position of responsibility and authority like a policeman or fireman. All children want to be righteous and good and figures of authority embody that pure spirit. So if government is the highest authority, and authority is moral; what happens when the government acts immorally? Starting wars under false pretenses and trampling over people's rights could be justified in my partially developed mind, but destroying the environment certainly could not. War was waged against terrorists, for if we don't stop them they would kill all of us; the evildoers were crafty and knew how to evade capture, so extreme means had to be taken to unearth them. But why must Bambi die for a rich man in a suit? The president was resigning the woodland creatures of the world to a slow, painful death through poisoning and starvation and I knew this to be wrong. If the president killed animals then were policeman really always right, was every person arrested evil, were my teachers always right? My life suddenly became more complex as black and white turned to shades of grey and the old certainties that had sheltered me crumbled under scrutiny. It was in this manner that the man who was charged with sheltering and protecting this nation robbed me of my innocence.
Well, given the liberal biases prevalent on most university campuses today, you are probably on fairly safe ground. However, be aware that you cannot be sure what political affiliation the admissions officers who read this might have. Also, even people with liberal sensibilities might find the simplistic sloganeering here signs of shallow thinking rather than maturity. A more nuanced discussion of environmental policy might serve you better.
Personally, I love this essay. Or, rather, I love the idea of this essay. You've got a way to go to get it into shape. And you will need to do that, because you are taking a risk -- but a good one, I think -- by choosing this person and organizing the essay as you do.
Here's what you need to do: Tighten up that first paragraph, getting rid of phrases such as "since my emergence I have aged" (which of course everybody does, so there's no need to say it) in order to focus on your theme of loss of innocence.
Next, you need to add some supporting evidence to your next paragraph. At the behest of business interests, George Bush rolled back some 300 (or so) environmental protections within his first six months of office. That's the kind of fact you'll need to toss into that section so that your image of Bambi dying for men in suits. Also, it's good that you write with feeling, but be sure to match that feeling with logic, since defenders of animals are always portrayed as overly emotional.
I'm sure that others will be jumping in with various views. Let's see a revision after you've digested the responses.
I agree with Sean, you should be careful about politics in essays, it might offend your reader, even though, what sean also said, that most universitys are liberal
Child is a singular noun.
A child does not notice themselfhimself gradually mature, but rather areis one day hit by the realization that they arehe is no longer a child.
I agree that you are treading on dangerous ground, even though it is likely that the university you are applying to is left-leaning. A general rule is to never talk about politics in a college essay. On the other hand, this is a creative spin on the topic, since probably 95% of responses to this topic will be about someone who is a role model for the writer. Just know you are taking a risk.
I'd be curious to see your revised draft, if you have one.
