"Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum)."
Hup, Hup, Hup
As I stare at the drum major's podium, sweat drips down my face. Every note, every step and every picture needs my attention. I try to focus on being in step as the wind rushes through my hair. Marching band is where I feel carefree. Here, I am accepted. I don't have to worry about the load that the week may bring. As we run through the show, the clouds begin to develop. Rain pours down on my shoulders, but does not distract me. The stench and the mud puddles-still do not faze me. This simply gives me the chance to prove my dedication. Here in the rain, I recollect on why I joined marching band. My passion for music, teamwork, and the open mindedness of the art form all reasons why I can forget about any tribulations I had throughout the day. Together we march off the field with no regrets only leaving traces of our muddy shoes.
Do you think this FULLY answers the prompt? Also, is the title okay? If you're not familiar with band, it's how the drum major addresses the band
Marching band is where I feel carefree. Here, I am accepted. I don't have to worry about the load that the week may bring. As we run through the show, the clouds begin to develop.
Marching band is not a place - therefore you cannot use the prep. 'where.'
Also, your response does not really elaborate on your EC.
It describes your passion for it, but other than that, it lacks substance. It was more of a feel - good narrative.
If you can be more specific about your experiences in the marching band, this would be a lot better.
: ) Help with mine?
To you, how would you elaborate on an EC. Because I went two different directions with this. First I had how I enjoy the people, the leader, blah but that didn't elaborate on the EC that spoke more about MY feelings. So I changed this to a specific event at my EC. So I just don't understand how I went wrong. I'd really like you to explain. Also, I knew about the Marching band is a place part, but that too, how would I change that?
I really need specific feedback thanks though. I'll be glad to edit yours..
You answered your prompt just fine, you took a more metaphorical approach and I thought it worked. It was engaging and showing (college admissions love that very much) rather than telling.
Nice work! n_n
some things to consider
- how long have you been in the marching band
- where have you marched
- scope of your involvement - school, community, national
Leading / anchoring a marching band was where I feel carefree.
You describe a scene in a show. You write too much about the weather, but not enough for yourself and the activity you participated in.
You are supposed to show more characteristics of you. Like the role you acted in the marching band.(Leader?Contributer?...) And your growth after attending the marching band is helpful.
Wish you good luck!
And please take a look at mine.
I really like the poetic approach. I would never know how to make it work for me, personally, but I like it. I would take out one of the opening sentences, however, and replace it with one or two more sentences about what exactly about being in the band that makes it the most important activity to you. Be more specific.
Other than that, I don't think it needs any more work.
