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"my band experience" - UC: personal quality and talent (draft)


hwr131819 1 / -  
Aug 4, 2011   #1
Hello this is my first draft essay for the UC personal essay prompt #2. Would you mind giving your opinion about my essay? Grammar check would be good too.

UC Prompt #2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution, or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Like every other typical Asian kids, I was forced to get instrumental lesson when I was little. Five years ago, my dad sent me to get guitar lesson, so I could start play guitar at church. From the previous experience of getting piano lesson, I thought I would hate it. But one day, I went to friend's revival service. There I saw their youth band leader leading the worship with the acoustic guitar on his shoulder. Since then I realized that I wanted to start my own worship band.

My church's youth group was really small, so we didn't even have a proper youth band or anything, but when I gained decent knowledge in guitar and music, I have created our own worship band.

In the beginning, there was lots of disorder and dispute. We were just bunch of teenagers who just recently start playing instrument. As a band leader, I was responsible to prepare ahead of time and lead through the practice. It was important for me to stay prepared and productive; if I didn't I could easily ruins the whole practice. It also takes great amount of teamwork to produce great sounds. If one band mates mess up, the whole song would go off. Even though there were many obstacles fronts of us, through constant practices and teamwork, we were able to prepare for our own revival service.

Finally in June, 2010, we were able to have our very own revival service. Overcoming my shyness and stage frightening, I lead my band through the worship. Although it wasn't perfect, I felt accomplished and proud.

Through my band experience, I learn to take responsibility not only for myself but for the others too. I learn to be productive and hardworking. And most importantly, I realized that obstacles can be overcome through practice and teamwork. I believe that my band experience would be great plus factor to my personality and my future.

nebadezzar 2 / 4  
Aug 4, 2011   #2
Hey, you did a good first draft of this essay. i think its pretty good.

Five years ago, my dad sent me to get guitar lesson... - change the "get" to "take"
From the previous experience of getting piano lesson.... - change "getting" to "taking" (it just sounds better)
Try not to use contractions because it makes your essay seem a bit less professional.
I have created our own worship band. - get rid of "have" so it is just "i created our own worship band"

We were just bunch of teenagers... - change to "we were just a bunch of teenagers..."
It was important for me to stay prepared and productive; if I didn't I could easily ruins the whole practice.
- separate into two sentences "It was important for me to stay prepared and productive." "If i did not, i could easily ruin the whole practice."

If one band mates mess up... - "mates" should be singular, so "mate" and "mess" should be "messes"

Great start so far, good luck with the rest, and God bless.
nebadezzar 2 / 4  
Aug 5, 2011   #3
you still have a few grammar mistakes haha

"...I went to friend's revival service" -- change too "...I went to my friend's revival service"
"We were just a bunch of teenagers who just recently start playing instrument" -- "instrument" should be plural so change to "instruments"

"I learn to be productive and hardworking" -- "learn" should be past tense, so "learned"
"Through my band experience, I learn to take responsibility not only for myself but for the others too. I learn to be productive and hardworking." "learn" should be past tense, in both sentences.

Other than that, your essay answers the prompt nicely. You might want to elaborate a bit more on how the experience reflects who you are.
ChibiRobo 1 / 5  
Aug 26, 2011   #4
Overcoming my shyness and stage frighteningfright , I lead my band through the worship.

I think your flow feels a little hesitant. I mean, its there, but it almost feels like an engine that starts up, and stops. If there is anyway to improve your transitions, I think this would become a phenomenal essay


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