Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
When moving day finally arrived July of 2007, I was full of mixed emotions. My parents were forcing me to leave my home of eight years on Long Island, New York to find a new home in Douglasville, Georgia. I had no idea what I would do without my friends, teammates, and family still in New York. The plan that I had set for my life was changing, and there was nothing I could do about it. Despite these negatives, I knew that moving would be a fresh start for me. My mother also always reminded that I could do well no matter where we lived or what school I went to. Even though I did not want to believe her at the time, my mom was right. I never expected that my new school would be such a focal point of my life and shape so much of who I am today.
One of the first important decisions I made my freshman year was to join the school marching band. I had participated in band playing the clarinet since the fourth grade, but I had no idea what to expect when I arrived at practice after the first day of school. I had not gone to band camp so Mr. Moran, the band director decided to put me in the front ensemble, playing the xylophone until he could find a spot for me in the drill, or formation. I stood there looking at the alien instrument, wondering how I would learn to play the music in time for the first game.
Luckily, a couple of weeks later, a spot in the drill was found for me. Now I had even more to learn, but I was up for the challenge. The first game, in which I actually marched, was one of the most nerve-racking experiences of my life. All that I could think about was what if I got out of step or what if I can't remember any of the notes. I was glad when the performance was over, but I knew that I would have the rest of my high school career to improve on that performance, so that is what I did.
I am now one of the woodwind captains of the band, and I cannot imagine what my life would be like now if I had not made the decision to join. I have gained invaluable friendships, while gaining confidence in myself as a person and a performer. I love the challenge of learning a difficult piece of music and the fulfillment I get when I have mastered it. Through music performance, I am constantly learning the value of persistence and dedication, whether it be a twelve hour day at band camp or sitting at home practicing. I look forward to continuing my study of music into college as well as the visual arts and hope that I can blend both of my interests into my future career. The future is full of possibilities, so I always remember that even when things do not always go as planned; something great will still come in the end.
Despite these negatives reword
My mother also always reminded me that I could
I had participated in band playing the clarinet since the fourth grade,
or
I had participated in bandplaying (played)the clarinet since the fourth grade
so Mr. Moran, the band director, decided to put me in
to play the music instrument
a spot in the drill was found for me confusing/reword
"Luckily, a couple of weeks later, I was placed on the drill team ."
All that I could think about was what if I got out of step or what if I can'tcouldn't remember any of the notes (Tense Agreement)
but I knew that I would havehad the rest of my high school
I have gained invaluable friendships, while gaining confidence in myself as a person and a performer.
and the fulfillment I get when I have mastered it (Verb Tense Agreement)
Hope it helps! Good luck.
I love it! If you can find the space, though, I would give a small explanation as to why you decided to join the band.
Good luck!
... but my parents were forcing me to leave my home of 14 yearsthe house I spent 14 years in on Long Island, New York, to find ...
... teammates, and family who were still in New York.
b But I will always remember that even when things do not go as planned;(change to comma) something great will still come in the end.
good job! can you read my upenn essay in return :)
which format do you think is better? the first essay or second?
"even when things do not go as planned.." - common application - moving isn't so bad
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Is this suitable for my common app essay, for highly selective colleges?
... New York, to find a new one in Douglasville, Georgia.
Even though I did not want to believe her at the time, she was right.
... yet, we ended up renting a house instead of buying one , since my dad could not find ...
Despite what my parents' claims, I questioned their decision because we were not any better off than before.
I did not know anybody, and the schedule of classes did not allow me to take everything ...
... until I realized that my mother was right. I could do well anywhere but ...
At the end I will add something like this, I know that moving for college will again bring the best of me.
thanks
The plan that I had set for my life was changing, and there was nothing I could do about it. how did it change? what was your original plan? Despite these negativestry looking for a better word choice , I knew that moving would be ...
... such a focal point of my life and shape so much ofme into who I am today.
You should try incorporating the idea in the next paragraph in your thesis so that they know that you're going to talk about the difficulties at home before you go into how the school shaped you
My parents' goal was to buy a bigger home;.yet,we ended up renting a house instead of buying one, since my dad could not find a well paying job for a while.However, because my dad could not find a well-playing job, we ended up renting a house instead of buying the house we imagined.use transition to the next idea
Try transitioning from the prior paragraph into this one
It was no surprise that I did not like my new school. ...
...the available classes was incompatible to my assorted interests?
I decided to try out for the marching band and I'm so glad that I did. why were you glad? what happened in the audition that made you grow into one of the woodwind captains in the band?
I have also gained invaluable friendships, while gaining confidence in myself as a person and a performer. Inside the paragraph I think you should show how you gained your confidence, what experiences in the band enabled you to mature?
Good ideas overall, however, to strengthen your essay i think you should explain how the school/band developed you (show rather than tell).
btw thxs for reading my essay :)
could anyone read this please!!! I will read your's, too.
thanks. does anyone have a comment about the essay itself besides the grammar
I like this - but there are two points I would expand on slightly more. One - is the process by which you realized that you could make moving a positive experience. Two - is the lasting impact this will have on you. You touch on it a bit at the end, but if you have space (is there a word count?) made expand on how this will carry on into college.
Answer mine please:
I think you should make a "grabber" first sentence. While we all know what it feels like to have mixed emotions, I think an image would be much more memorable. I think you will be able to relate to your audience more if you expand on those "mixed feelings" that you had.
In addition, you might want to characterize your story by adding some dialogue? I felt that there was a lot of listing achievements, rather than feeling how they impacted you. This is just a suggestion, so feel free to disregard it if you feel it is not your writing style.
When you are done, eliminate unnecessary words. Go through your essay, sentence by sentence and examine each word to see if it can be omitted. This will add some polish to your essay.
I agree with kisskill16's comments.
Good subject, though. I think you have the right idea, you just need to expand how it impacted you.
Good luck!
