Hello, and thank you for taking your time to view and help me with my essay! I am a horrible essay writer to be truthful but any kind of criticism and aid will be appreciated!
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Sometimes I just do not know. My trepidations become impenetrable obstacles; however, one event created the person I am today.
I was a typical teenager who did not care about anything in the world. I lived in the same routine everyday; but, something new happened that changed my life completely. One day, I came home from school to hear the news that shattered my world apart. "Son, we are bankrupt." My dad's business was closed down, my mom had to start working overtime, and my family was falling apart. Then, when I thought matters could not get any worse, my dad told me, "We are moving to Korea to start a new life." I was speechless. At the age of fourteen living in California all my life, I could not think of living in another country. I could not imagine going to school in another country or trying to adapt to a different culture. I thought my life was over. I prayed to God that night, begging for a way to stay in America; He answered. The church had a spare condominium for rent. Our house was foreclosed and my family and I moved into the church.
As much as I wanted to stay in America, I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and pitiful. Every church member knew of our situation and looked down on us. Our situation brought my family and me to shame. I was depressed, losing faith in God, and viewed life in a pessimistic perspective. I blamed my parents and God for the shameful life I had; however, I was so preoccupied with other people's judgment that I took for granted what God had provided me: a home in America. My audacious actions at the time made me realize; instead of living through pessimism and cynicism, I should live an optimistic and tranquil life.
Fear often stifles people; however, I learned that there are not many chances in life; I have to take every possible opportunity and perform to my full extent. My dad was influential towards me; I am dedicated to strive toward success to prevent failure to occur in my future. I do not blame my father for what happened to my family and me; everything happens for a reason; however, through his failures I realize that a good education is necessary to live a prosperous life. Money is not everything in the world, but it is a necessity. I learned not to falter in my efforts to be sanguine in despondent times. I am dedicated, determined, and inspired to live an optimistic life.
The overall idea of the essay is great! sorry about your bankruptcy though...
For starters, don't try to fit big words in your essay, the first sentence especially displayed a grand use of a thesaurus. so its better if you leave that out. Just start it here:
I was a typical teenager who felt that he had no obligation to the world .
- its ok to start with this statement.
Describe the situation in one time frame. I suggest not narrating but instead "showing" what happened and what you felt.
And you portrayed the (christian?) church as an unkind body. Was it actually that way or was this what you thought was the case?
Lastly, some sentences in the second paragraph belong in the third paragraph. sorry i cant show you but it takes time -__-. But you know what i mean. Good work.
Try to condense the second paragraph and focus more on that change you made. When you decided to be more optimistic, what changed? Did you make more friends? How did you relationships improve?
Really try to expand those last two paragraphs because those will really be the ones that tell the college who you are.
I would suggest you also expand on why or how you decided to change.
Good job =D
This has a very good idea,but you need a stronger conclusion.Focus on how this experience made you realise the importance of utilizing your chances instead of giving up.Show how it has made you work harder in your life,with the knowledge that you can survive harships and come out stronger.
Thank you for your feedback!
Yes, I am a Christian and there was a lot of gossip about my family's situation at the time... :/ People were pitying me and I hate pity because it's so degrading. Should I write that in there?
I know it takes time so I understand. I appreciate you taking the time to help me!
Thanks again!
