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Barack O'bama is doing nothing for the Americans- Influential Intellectual Experience


zilunaju 4 / 10  
Dec 22, 2010   #1
For four months I have heard my friends from Riverside complain about how Barack O'bama is doing nothing for the Americans, or how they don't like taxes on candies and water bottles. It surprises me they discuss and talk about policies at our school with which they don't agree during Current World Issues class, and after the period is over, they leave the classroom locking and forgetting those thoughts away. That is when I started thinking these teenagers have a lot to give, their opinions and thoughts are as helpful and worthy as any other's opinion and that is when I first thought of the American Youth Parliament.

The AYP started as a need to build a communication bridge not only between youth in the United States, but worldwide as well, by giving them an opportunity to explore their abilities and limits. This non-partisan and independent educational project enables the transmission of ideas, innovative learning, and independent thinking. But more importantly, it gives youth the chance to be part of the change they want to make in their community and country. Living in the United States, walking with these youth everyday, hearing their thoughts, their complains and opinions, I have come to realize that the AYP will not only discover new talents, but will also add more diversity to their lives.

During the last past year I became part of the European Youth Parliament where I got involved in my community and nationwide, and made good friends. I also got the opportunity to be one of three delegates who represented Albania in the 13th Regional Session of the EYP Poland. Because of these life-changing experiences, I want my American friends to experience and increase their knowledge toward social and political influence, enrich their culture, and engage in demonstrating democratic values in their country and other countries as well.

The AYP functions like the European Youth Parliament. Students divided into committees discus topics related to different present problems and write resolutions on how they think the problems can be solved. This gives students a chance to interact with people from different backgrounds, share their ideals, work and collaborate toward providing a brighter future. But the AYP is not just about debating on certain topics. Furthermore it is about making friends, playing games, having fun and being heard. Some may believe teenagers don't know what can be done to encourage innovative entrepreneurship in the context of current economic and financial crisis. Others don not take us serious. The AYP is a chance to be heard. Unlike adults, we see the world in a different and innovative perspective.

Being the head organizer of the first session to be held in Washington April-May 2011 is a privilege and a real challenge between believing in succeeding, fear of failure and lack of experience. Nevertheless, I can find many reasons that will make this journey interesting and worthy. I believe this generation will be the future of this country, thus it is time for us to stand and make a change!
melkorthefoul 13 / 31  
Dec 22, 2010   #2
or how they don't like taxes on candies and water bottles.

There are taxes on candies and water bottles? And I think that gadgets such as iPods, laptops etc would be more relevant, no?

You also need to firmly establish that you were involved in founding the AYP, because I had to do some work to figure it out. First rule of essay writing: Never make the guy reading it do any work to understand what you are trying to get across.

Case in point:

when I first thought of the American Youth Parliament.

I thought that you meant that you first thought about being involved in an already established program. I would change it to "thought up of", to make it more clear that you actually got the idea of founding the program.

they leave the classroom locking and forgetting those thoughts away

Doesnt read well

This non-partisan and independent educational project enables the transmissionfree flow of ideas, innovative learning, and independent thinking.

Looks real good otherwise... and damn, thats something pretty awesome to be involved in!
OP zilunaju 4 / 10  
Dec 22, 2010   #3
ok!!
Thanks a lot!! I appreciate your help.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 1, 2011   #4
Obama is not an Irish name. Using an O and an apostrophe is something you see in Irish names, not Kenyan names. In order to have credibility it is very important to avoid putting an apostrophe after an O in a non-Irish name.

Others don not take us serious.

Above is a typo.

I don't like the examples in the beginning. Taxes on bottles are good, because we are trying to protect the environment... so if you mention arguments against it, you have to make a good argument of your own or you will be undermining your message to the reader.

Here is another sentence I don't like: Unlike adults, we see the world in a different and innovative perspective. ---Some adults are innovative. You should just reword this sentence.

I think this is really thoughtful! I only want to give those criticisms above to help you avoid making statements that undermine your argument. If you make a big generalization, or if you make a claim but provide no evidence, it is incomplete. Focus on your theme.

:-)
OP zilunaju 4 / 10  
Jan 3, 2011   #5
ok!! Thankss!!!

:D
Mick 3 / 14  
Jan 3, 2011   #6
Good stuff, good story. Might want to merge one or two of the paragraphs though, it looks like a few too many paragraphs. Otherwise, really good!

Read my Cornell Supplement Please!!!


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