Hey guys, I'm working on my supplementary essays for my Barnard application, and I'm wondering if my essay is too flowery. Does it need to be more specific? Here's the prompt:
Pick one woman in history or fiction to converse with for an hour and explain your choice. What would you talk about? (100-250 words)
Although she's only the product of someone's imagination, Leia Organa has always inspired me. She stood as the representative of a planet ruthlessly destroyed by the Empire, built and led the Rebel Alliance and the Resistance, and continually fought for the government she believed in so strongly. If given the chance, I'd ask how she managed to stand tall when she was fighting with the underdogs, when she was dismissed and degraded, or when so many people she loved disappeared. Leia was only nineteen when she led the effort to destroy the Death Star, barely an adult but strong enough to carry the fate of her galaxy.
Leia Organa- princess, politician, and general- was never willing to give up on what she believed in, and strength like her's shouldn't just exist in fiction. So if I, by some miracle that allowed me to skirt the lines between fantasy and reality, was given the chance to speak with Leia Organa for just an hour, I would ask her how she mustered the strength to trudge through it all. And I know what she would tell me, in true Leia fashion: that somebody had to, and if not her, then who? Our world is not so different from her galaxy. There is turmoil all around us, and it seems like our world is too broken to fix. But there's hope, there always is, as long as someone is willing to take opportunity and run with it. And if not me, then who?
Hi Ann, first of all WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, I hope you find this website as helpful and useful to your writing projects. We aim to provide you with the most accurate and valuable insights in order for you to come up with a stronger and confident essay that is absolutely ready for submission.
Further to your doubts as to, if the essay is too flowery, I say not flowery but it's a little bit informal, well, this essay calls for both actually, as it seeks for a fictional source or subject too, however, it will still be advised that you lean towards the formal approach. Moving on to your, should it be specific thoughts, well, the prompt it can either be from history or a fictional being and having read you essay, I say you did the right approach for the prompt.
Moreover, the first paragraph is quiet stable, the ideas are clear, however, the second one needs a little enhancement, please find my suggestions below;
- So if I, by some miracle that allowed me toShould there be a chance to skirt the
- lines between fantasy and reality, was given the chance to speak with Leia Organa for just an hour,
- And( refrain from using the word "and" in the beginning of your sentences ) I know what she would tell me,
- ButHowever, ( "but" is not an advisable word to start your sentence, therefore, avoid it as much as possible ) there's hope, there's always is,
- as long as someone is willing to take the opportunity and run with it. And if not me, then who?
There you have it Ann, I hope the above remarks are helpful towards your essay revision, do let us know should you need further assistance.
