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Barnard: Journaling, War, The Little Prince, and Why Barnard?


SkittleRose 4 / 15  
Dec 27, 2009   #1
If you had a full hour to meet with a government representative or community leader, what one issue or concern would you raise and why?

If given an hour to speak to a government representative, I would raise the issue of sex trafficking and how it needs to be stopped. I would encourage the government representative to support groups such as the Polaris Project in their efforts to abolish modern-day slavery, especially when it involves young children. Children are defenseless against prostituting themselves because they are too young to realize it is wrong. People who are forced into sexual slavery have developed an idea that no one will help them because efforts to stop sex trafficking have been not been aggressive enough, due to lack of funding and lack of awareness. Because sex trafficking is such a taboo topic, many government officials are hesitant to mention it as an issue against which they will fight. I would urge this government representative to fight sex trafficking and defend Innocence, which sexual trafficking destroys in those affected.

Please describe a daily routine or tradition of yours that may seem ordinary to others but holds special meaning for you. Why is this practice significant to you?

I have always valued the power of words. I have seen how words have the power of mending hearts and easing pain. They also have the power to destroy and corrupt. Words are fragile-so fragile that I take care in choosing the words I write as I fill page after page of my Moleskine notebook with those that express my innermost passions and my most genuine hopes and fears.

Not a day goes by when I do not journal. Writing is something very special to me, something essential to my life. When I write, I feel as if I enter a sort of breathing room: an open space in which anything is permissible and where all things are possible. Journaling is important to me because it helps me to be honest with myself. I am no longer self-conscious in my breathing room. As I look back on the journals I accumulated over the years, I see how my hopes and fears have evolved. Journaling allows me to see how I have evolved as a person, gradually, page by page.

How were you made aware of Barnard College? How do you feel Barnard College can help you achieve your personal and educational goals?
I first discovered Barnard College through my older sister. Often when she stayed late at school, I would go into her room and sift through her piles of college viewbooks. Barnard captured my attention after a brochure mentioned the "Nine Ways of Knowing," which appealed to me because I wanted to be flexible in my course selections, exploring a wide array of fields without being confined to a rigid "core" curriculum.

I have always been a free, unconventional thinker. I like to surround myself with people who are intellectually engaging, people who can simultaneously challenge and respect my opinions. I have been raised to be a strong, independent woman, one who always defends herself and her beliefs. While I like being independent, I also like the encouragement Barnard offers as a community. College will be a crucial time in my development, and I want to be influenced, supported, and surrounded by strong Barnard women who share my quest for intellectual understanding.
aikd80cn 4 / 18  
Dec 27, 2009   #2
I have seen how words have the healing power of mending hearts and easing pain

i dont think u need 'healing' there, cause u already say mending and easing...

I have seen how words have the healing power of mending hearts and easing pain. I have also seen how words

u repeat "I have seen how words" twice, maybe u could use they in the next sentence , although i understand you want the words to be chosen carefully so the essay sound kind of 'poetical' , if u know what i mean...

Words are such fragile things

can u find another word for 'things'?

something that is essential to my life

how about" something essential to my life" ?

When I write, I feel as if I enter a sort of breathing room, in which anything is permissible and where all things are possible

i dont think the concept of 'breathing room' is clear...

the first essay is beautiful, and it is very hard to try to correct or comment since there is not measure to judge you with, as u are writing in your own style. But u mention everything to the point and i think u give a good answer

As easily as wars are started by words, they can be solved by words.

are they? really?

If opposing sides took the time to sit down and talk their differences and issues out, I truly believe guns and bombs would be unnecessary

i dont think a politician or an authority would even want to hear this. war is a way of mankind, very sadly.

I think countries get too impatient with each other and are quick to pick up the sword rather than use the pen

however i love this sentence... the power of the pen. this is a famous quote:
Bulwer-Lytton: The pen is mightier than the sword.

should get lessons in humanity-

this sounds a bit akward

its a good essay, but its very cliche . unless u dont have a very specific and strong argument against war, maybe you should try another essay. and of course in that one as well, u should have a core argument

I would bring up the issue of war and how unnecessary it is

hehe, coming to think of it, obama gave a raelly good speech for his noble prize about this, u might have heard

i cant comment on the 3rd one, i think its really good!

the 4th essay has a good second paragraph. u spend too many words describing ur sister and what u did when u were little. I dont think u even need that. try writing some lines about what barnard specifically possesses that attracts you. and you should also involve perhaps one or two more aspects about ur interest in barnard, the academics ...athletics...anything . you only wrote one sentence about barnard itself, while the whole essay should be a mixture of you and barnard.

good luck! i admire your writing. I hope my feedback is useful
luminousx 3 / 32  
Dec 27, 2009   #3
Words are such fragile things-so fragile that I take care choosing the words I write as I fill page after page of my Moleskine notebook with words that express my innermost passions and my most genuine hopes and fears.

The second "words" seems redundant here since you already wrote it earlier in the sentence...try substituting it with another word.

After reading this line the fox said to The Little Prince in Antoine de Saint Exupery's The Little Prince ,

Should be underlined or in quotes, since it is a book title.

I have been raised to be a strong, independent woman, one who always stands up for herself and defends herself.

They seem to mean the same thing, so I'm not sure if that sounds a bit repetitive.

Please reread my revision and comment (:
OP SkittleRose 4 / 15  
Dec 27, 2009   #4
Thank you soooooooo much, both of you. I'm going to focus on my human trafficking answer instead of the war one, because it really isn't concrete. Your feedback was very, very helpful!
aikd80cn 4 / 18  
Dec 28, 2009   #5
forced into sexual slavery have developed an idea

i think u can also say " have grown hopeless that... "

due to lack of funding and lack of awareness

are these the only important reasons? if they are , then its fine...

fight sex trafficking and defend Innocence

'and defend the innocent' is better, but it doesnt match your next sentence. but i dont think u need the next sentence. also i would use 'protect' instaed of 'defend'

Good job ! they look much better. hey can you give some comments about this essay of mine? and of course, ask me to look one of yours.


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