the "Barnardian" title - Barnard Transfer Essay

(250-500 words) that address your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve OR why do you think Barnard College would be a good match for you

A VERY rough draft. I mostly would like someones opionion of whether I should change the approach or maybe work off a couple of ideas/sentences found here. Barnards my top choice so I'm, trying to do this perfect. Trying to include a little voice/personality, show my pride in the schools message and symbol and also explain why i didnt get in the first time around and why things are different now. I just need an approach to it...

Any input would be greatly appreciated!
P.S Btw if you think it would sound better with the paragraphs/sentences in a different order by all means let me know. Thank you!

Intellectual. Academic. Scholar.
These are words I strive to be empowered by.
Education is something I have always taken pride in and though my record may not portray it when it comes to my younger years, Queensborough has taught me that I am capable of accomplishing anything I set my mind to and I find that to be one of the most important revelations anyone could ever have. It isn't the same to just hear a spoken clichéd sentence than it is to realize and embrace the concept on your own.

Which is why I know and I can say with much certainty and reassurance to you that I have the ability to succeed at your institution. Barnard is a place that can challenge me and is the only place on Earth surrounded and filled with so much diversity all the while managing to create a concentrated and similar student body when it comes to women with the shared goal of learning and to succeeding and showing the world the things they are capable of.

I have used community college as a source for a second chance to show Barnard in a year and a half what I was not able to do initially with my four years of high school.

During my freshman cycle, the person I showed Barnard was not someone deserving of the "Barnardian" title. I portrayed weakness in every aspect of my application and lacked the pride and fortitude to gain the privilege of walking among Barnard's finest.

It has taken me time, longer than I am proud of, to have finally found myself and I am ready.

There are a collection of institutions that have the ability to embrace the concept of intellectualism but in my eyes none would do so as well and as amazingly as Barnard would. As a woman's college Barnard would give me all that I am looking for and MORE which I find so exciting! The Barnard community is one that undulates with pride and intelligence for it embraces the very essence of what it means to be a woman - a strong, brilliant, determined and persevering woman. I have striven to emulate the Barnard woman and in doing so I have worked to strengthen myself mentally and academically.

If given the chance to succeed through Barnard...

Education is something I have always taken pride in, and though my record may not portray it when it comes to my younger years, Queensborough has taught me that I am capable of accomplishing anything I set my mind to, and I find that to be one of the most important revelations anyone could ever have.

It isn't the same to just hear a spoken cliched sentence than it is to realize and embrace the concept on your own.---This sentence needs to be revised for the sake of clarity.

WhichThis is why I know and I can say with much certainty and reassurance to you that I have the ability to succeed at your institution.---You cannot begin a sentence with "Which is why..." because it would be incomplete.

It has taken me time, longer than I am proud of, to have finally found myself, and I am now ready.

There are a collection of institutions that have the ability to embrace the concept of intellectualism, but in my eyes none would...

I have striven to emulate the Barnard woman, and in doing so I have worked to strengthen myself mentally and academically.

Good luck with school!

:)

Hello Jessica,

There are several major issues with this draft. It is almost as though you have written a transcript of an interview. While some applicants desire to write an essay in an interview style, I wouldn't suggest it here. Also, your essay is very negative. Use additional essays or just include a quick one page essay explaining why your grades were bad in the past. You only have 500 words to work with here. Use the vast majority of that to focus on why Barnard? There are many other colleges for women and colleges in general...Why Barnard? Elaborate more on the Barnard community, what they offer, and how you will fully utilize the resources the school has to offer. We can help you with this -admissions advice online .com