Barrett is composed of students from diverse backgrounds with distinctive life experiences. Explain how your cultural traditions (national, ethnic, religious, or other facets of your background) shape your view of the world around you.
~~ My essay is about "other facets of my background that shaped my view of the world around me"
When I was ten years old, the police knocked on our door at 3:00 in the morning. They sounded like thunder and moved like lightening around the house and in a flash they were gone with my father chained. The arrest took less than three minutes, but the melodramatic event kept recreating itself in my mind for years and years following its occurrence, I saw it every time I closed my eyelids. The loud knocks on the wooden door, the questions my mother shouted, the screams that escaped my sister's throat, the fear in my brother's eyes and the puzzlement in mine.
I do not remember clearly my father's release or how we fled the country, partly because it happened at a rush with no explanation and partly because I tried to erase it from my memory. Somehow years passed by and I ended up in the United States, instead of 2000 it is 2005, the time in between was so temporary I do not quite clearly remember it's details.
Being the naïve person I am, I assumed that I have successfully overcome all the obstacles that plastered my path only to come to the realization that the hard part is yet to come. So far, my parents have fought all my battles, and it was time for me to take responsibility. My determination was stronger than the impediments that faced me, the first being the language barrier that I overcame by studying an average of 4-6 hours daily to catch up with my classmates who spoke English all their lives.
Second, the fact that I'm a Muslim laid another barrier on my way. I was constantly at a position where I have to defend my faith or accept the claim that Islam teaches terrorism and therefore all Muslims are terrorists. Furthermore, to make matters more complicated, I'm a Northern Sudanese which is the dominant race in Sudan that is responsible for the genocide of forty thousands in Darfur and two millions in the South. Both unique features qualify me as an international suspect for crimes committed by entities unrelated to me.
Regardless of the Sudanese government accusing my father of being a spy, Sudan was my safe zone, and as Alan Alda once said "You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself." Except that I had to go into the wilderness of another nation to discover my strengths and realize my weaknesses. Defending Northern Sudanese citizens (not government), Islam, and I against constant accusations led to my high tolerance of others. Now, the world does not seem too flowery to me and I regard the world with much distrust, but I believe I have the power to change many of its realities.
~~ I don't mind harsh criticism as long as it will help me to improve the quality of the essay
P.S. I'm not a native English speaker I'd appreciate it if you can also correct any obvious grammar mistakes
Moved like lightening around the house and in a flash.
Moving like lightening and In a flash are serving the same purpose. Remove one.
The arrest took less than three minutes, but the melodramatic event kept recreating itself in my mind for years and years following its occurrence, I saw it every time I closed my eyelids.
The arrest took less than three minutes but left in my mind, a vivd recreation that played itself when I closed my eyelids. Something along this line would make it sound stronger.
The loud knocks on the wooden door, the questions my mother shouted, the screams that escaped my sister's throat, the fear in my brother's eyes and the puzzlement in mine.
This sentence looks out of place. If you could link it to the recreation in your mind, it would also serve to illustrate the confusion in the house.
I do not remember clearly my father's release or how we fled the country, partly because it happened at a rush with no explanation and partly because I tried to erase it from my memory. Somehow years passed by and I ended up in the United States, instead of 2000 it is 2005, the time in between was so temporary I do not quite clearly remember it's details.
I think you should clean up this paragraph because as it is, it's not very clear what you are trying to say. Use wordings that would make it clear what you mean.
Being the naïve person I am, I assumed that I have successfully overcome all the obstacles that plastered my path only to come to the realization that the hard part is yet to come. So far, my parents have fought all my battles, and it was time for me to take responsibility. My determination was stronger than the impediments that faced me, the first being the language barrier that I overcame by studying an average of 4-6 hours daily to catch up with my classmates who spoke English all their lives.
Up to this point I assumed that I had successfully overcome all the obstacles put in my path but hadn't realised that my parents had been the ones fighting for me. I have had leave my parents' protection and take responsibilty for myself and overcome all the new challenges that this land has thrown my way.
I have had to study on an average of 4-6 hours everyday just to be able to be heard...
Something along these lines would make it sound stronger.
Second, the fact that I'm a Muslim laid another barrier on my way. I was constantly at a position where I have to defend my faith or accept the claim that Islam teaches terrorism and therefore all Muslims are terrorists. Furthermore, to make matters more complicated, I'm a Northern Sudanese which is the dominant race in Sudan that is responsible for the genocide of forty thousands in Darfur and two millions in the South. Both unique features qualify me as an international suspect for crimes committed by entities unrelated to me.
Add an experience that illustrates how being a muslim makes life difficult. I think you should also lay off the muslim-terrorist thing. It just seems a bit too heavy handed.
Regardless of the Sudanese government accusing my father of being a spy, Sudan was my safe zone, and as Alan Alda once said "You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself." Except that I had to go into the wilderness of another nation to discover my strengths and realize my weaknesses. Defending Northern Sudanese citizens (not government), Islam, and I against constant accusations led to my high tolerance of others. Now, the world does not seem too flowery to me and I regard the world with much distrust, but I believe I have the power to change many of its realities.
The quote makes sense but from the word "defending", the rest detracts from the essay. Leave out the part about the world being flowery and concentrate more on how coming to America has made you realise more about yourself.
It's a good concept and with some work, it would be a very nice piece.
These are just personal opinions.
They sounded like thunder and moved like lightening around the house and in a flash they were gone with my father chained.
They sounded like thunder and moved like lightning around the house; in a flash they were gone with my father in chains. (fix lightning spelling, can use semicolon for brevity)
The arrest took less than three minutes, but the melodramatic event kept recreating itself in my mind for years and years following its occurrence, I saw it every time I closed my eyelids. The loud knocks on the wooden door, the questions my mother shouted, the screams that escaped my sister's throat, the fear in my brother's eyes and the puzzlement in mine.
The loud knocks on the wooden door, the questions my mother shouted, the screams that escaped my sister's throat, the fear in my brother's eyes and the puzzlement in mine - I recalled them every time I closed my eyelids. ("The loud knocks on the wooden door, the questions my mother shouted, the screams that escaped my sister's throat, the fear in my brother's eyes and the puzzlement in mine." is a fragment)
Somehow years passed by and I ended up in the United States, instead of 2000 it is 2005, the time in between was so temporary I do not quite clearly remember it's details.
Five years passed by and I ended up in the United States; the time in between was so temporary I do not quite clearly remember its details. (I'm not sure if you need to indicate the years since the paragraphs that follow describe yourself as a person, not events. Also, "it's" means "it is" whereas "its" signifies possession)
So far, my parents have fought all my battles, and it was time for me to take responsibility.
So far, my parents had fought all my battles, and it was time for me to take responsibility. (past tense)
I was constantly at a position where I have to defend my faith or accept the claim that Islam teaches terrorism and therefore all Muslims are terrorists.
I was constantly at a position where I had to defend my faith or accept the claim that Islam teaches terrorism and therefore all Muslims are terrorists. (past tense)
Furthermore, to make matters more complicated, I'm a Northern Sudanese which is the dominant race in Sudan that is responsible for the genocide of forty thousands in Darfur and two millions in the South.
Furthermore, to make matters more complicated, I'm a Northern Sudanese, a member of the dominant race in Sudan that is responsible for the genocide of over two million people in Darfur (you may also want to change "Furthermore" to another word since you use "more complicated" immediately after)
Defending Northern Sudanese citizens (not government), Islam, and I against constant accusations led to my high tolerance of others.
Defending Northern Sudanese citizens, Islam, and myself against constant accusations led to my high tolerance of others. (I think it is fine to leave out "not government". You must use "myself" instead of "I" since "Defending ... myself against" makes more sense than "Defending ... I against" if you were to leave out citizens and Islam.
I sort of typed this in a hurry, but I hope it helps!
