Hi, I was wondering I spent too much time talking about my teammate and if the narrative perspective was effective. Any constructive criticism would be great!
Thanks for the help!
Walking towards the batter's box, I cannot turn away the dismal thoughts. For years I have failed. Since I was young, I have always been the slowest player on the team because my tolerance to fatigue has never improved and my teammates have joked about me constantly. The pitcher stares at me with a menacing look. My fingers feel a little numb and I see that I'm clenching the bat too tightly. I had soon given up trying to prove my teammates wrong as I was incapable of overcoming the physical threshold that I had inadvertently designated for myself. Self-confidence has been replaced by self-doubt. Baseball, the sport that I dearly enjoyed, was becoming an emotional burden. I tap the plate with my bat. If things had not improved before, why would they now?
Eyes on the pitcher and muscles tense, I swing at the first pitch and unsurprisingly, miss solidly. I tentatively adjust my helmet and look to the stands, sensing the college and professional scouts watching me. Wait, one is checking his phone and another is walking towards the concession stand. I had tried to remind myself that playing for the Minnesota Twins Scout Team at the Arizona Fall Classic was the perfect time to turn things around but who was I kidding? I feel like a placeholder. What can a mere placeholder achieve if he cannot hit ball?
Another pitch flies by as I swing right past the ball. With two strikes, I step back, take a deep breath, and close my eyes. Two strikes might as well be three. I begin to question myself as to whether I can even make contact with the ball anymore but I force the ominous feelings out of my mind and my thoughts wander to what happened moments before. I replay it in my mind - my teammate Colby, with his injured leg, running out a groundball resolutely and then gingerly hobbling off the field, face grimacing yet hinting a sense of pride. The coach nearly had a fit - why did he make such a daring move? Colby knew there was no way that he would be fast enough to get on base but that was of no concern to him. For Colby, physical shortcomings were but obstacles to surpass, mere challenges. He barrelled onward, propelled himself forward with the intent to fight adversity and without the fear of failure. What makes my situation any different from his?
That was it. I step into the batter's box standing tall because now I understand that there is no reason to dread failure, especially since baseball is a game of failures. If you swing and miss twice, there is still another chance to prove yourself. If you strike out in three pitches, walk right up to the batter's box in your next at-bat and dare the pitcher to throw those three same pitches again. The pitcher delivers the pitch and I am ready.
I like you essay alot! You have done a good job "showing not telling". I was able to picture your essay in my head perfectly. One thing you could improve on is the transition from the 2nd paragraph to the 3rd. I understand the epiphany but it needs to tie into to your disability so to speak. Also, i do not like how you left the reader hanging--what happened, but then again it's good that way.
Hope this helps!
thanks!
i thought that explaining the effects in the end would ruin the mood and atmosphere i set since it would probably require going to a future time frame
what do you think?
i think a more effective way would be to explore it somehow in the same time frame but it seems to be a challenge
I love the way you write! However, I'm with Rahsadara- I don't quite like the ending. The entire time, you're talking about building up confidence for that last hit, and then you never say how that last hit goes. Did you hit it? If you're not close to the word limit, you may want to expand on what happened afterward.
Yeah, I was also expecting a movie-style ending where you suddenly get a home-run or whatever (I don't know the sport much, I'm not American). But I like the way you've ended, coz what matters isn't the result but your spirit to step up and face the challenge and despair head-on.
I didn't spot any glaring grammatical mistakes.
If I must give some feedback, I would recommend toning down the self-criticism in the first half a bit. Don't give such a negative impression of yourself first. I know its critical to emphasize the transformation later, but don't make it so drastic
I think if there is an ending or some further information the essay will be better. You have left too much imagination for readers! I like your movie-style.
did you actually play in the arizona fall league?
I think the ending is not necessary because it should't be the focus of your essay. Great job!!
@MSL123
i played for the Twins Scout Team, that is picked from top players from British Columbia, at the Arizona Sophomore and Junior Fall Classics which is for high school students and I believe the Arizona Fall League is for professional players in the minor leagues
we play on the same fields at Peoria Complex as the Fall League and MLB spring training teams though and there are probably just as many scouts watching
Thanks for the input everyone. I'm still debating what to do with the ending as it is a big choice I have to make. I feel that the cliffhanger ending does contribute more as it does say that the emphasis is not on the result but on the process but I need to put more positive aspects towards the end to create a more uplifting feeling before it ends abruptly. What do you guys think?
