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Baseball team, closer to God Transfer Essay, tell us something about yourself.


chillpill09 1 / 2  
Feb 27, 2010   #1
Tell us something about yourself - your present and future goals and how Palm Beach Atlantic University fits into these goals as a Christian university (600-800 words).

I was born in Oceanside, New York in 1992, and lived there for twelve years. Today I reside in Pembroke Pines, Florida with my parents; my name is John Ruiz. As a person, I see myself as a fighter, someone who is persistent, and will always get back on my feet. Religiously, I am a believer of God and His love; He has had a great impact on my life, along with His direction, guidance, and protection. For ...

after edits:

I see myself as a fighter, someone who is persistent and will always get back on his feet. I am a believer of God and His love; God's direction, guidance, and protection have had great impacts on my life. I have had gone through some obstacles where I thought I would never manage to pass over. However, I did; there was always a way, I just had to keep looking for it. My goal is to become the best that I can be through hardships and all; I'll stay determined on and focused on my goal. Palm Beach Atlantic University would be a great fit for me.

I feel that God put me in Broward College to mature more to the college level, and prepare me for a university. PBA is the perfect choice for a school; it's close to home, just over an hour away, and its located on the inter coastal, only a couple of minutes from the beach. PBA is also 1 of 39 Schools nationwide to be selected for the HP Technology Grant, which offers over $77,000 worth of HP equipment to the school; these products from HP provide tools for learning in math, science, and engineering. One of the majors PBA offers is a computer science program. I became interested in computer science when I researched how software and computer programs were constructed. I learned it was by coding, an entire other language; the complexity of the code amazed me but I wanted to know how it was done, how it was written.

My present goals include finishing this semester in community college, and preparing myself to transfer to a university. I also plan to prepare myself to get in shape and stay healthy. Exercise is crucial to the college life if you want to succeed. Staying healthy is one of the best things a person could do. My good health improves the way I learn, study and sleep, as well as being a positive for sports. A sport I plan to get in shape for is baseball.

I've been playing baseball since first grade and continued to my senior year of high school. It's the only sport I ever played to seriously compete and improve my ability. Playing college baseball is a dream I hope to fulfill one day. I plan to try out for PBA's baseball team and make the team roster. This is one of my biggest goals for the future and preparation will help me accomplish just that.

One of my other important goals of mine is to graduate from PBA and earn my bachelors degree in computer science. I then plan on enrolling in UCF's Florida Interactive Entertainment Academy, and acquire my master's degree in interactive entertainment. I also plan to become closer to God overtime and put Him first in my life. I see PBA as the university to achieve my goals.

I believe that Palm Beach Atlantic University is the school to make my goals happen for me. As a Christian university, PBA will provide an excellent atmosphere to learn, and study without troubles, as well as a safe environment. I plan to become closer to God overtime and put Him first in my life. Moreover, with the chapel service, it's a place where I can clear my mind, and start fresh on the oncoming week of studies; furthermore, I can learn about God, and rely on His good will to guide me through school. With good faith and determination I can do my best, and tryout for the baseball team. I feel confident that PBA is where I should go, and where God

Thank you!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 1, 2010   #2
During my high school career I played both varsity baseball and soccer; however, my main focus was on improving my baseball.

This is not a god way to end the first paragraph. I am half way through the essay, and it seems like you are telling a lot of random things about yourself. The magic trick of composition is like this:

Use the lst sentence of the first paragraph to express a theme for the whole essay. What is the main idea you are expressing. If you had to answer their prompt question in a single sentence, what would it be?

Look at all the facts about yourself that you give, and ask yourself what connects them altogether. What kind of person/process (a person is a process) do they all add up to. Whatever it is, express it there at the end of paragraph one.

Also, this part needs a little change:
...nevertheless I overcame these injuries with determination of playing more. Besides baseball,

And let's get rid of the superficial stuff:
I also love playing and listening to music. Music is not superficial, but this sounds superficial like a myspace "about me section." You can mention things like this appreciation for music, but mention them as they relate to the main, memorable theme for the essay. What is your main theme? This is a big question!!!!
OP chillpill09 1 / 2  
Mar 2, 2010   #3
I see myself as a fighter, someone who is persistent, and will always get back on his feet. I am a believer of God and His love; His direction, guidance, and protection has had a great impact on my life. I skipped eighth grade and went straight to high school at Sheridan Hills Christian School, graduated at the age of sixteen, and attended Broward College because of my young age. During my high school career, I played both varsity baseball and soccer; however, my main focus was on baseball. My goal is to become the best that I can be through hardships and all; I will stay determined and focused on my goal.

how does the last sentence sound? i think it sets a theme. im writing over the other paragraphs as well.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 4, 2010   #4
Only the first comma is necessary here:
I see myself as a fighter, someone who is persistent an d will always get back on his feet.

I am a believer in God and His love; His God's direction, guidance, and protection has have had great impacts on my life.

The last sentence sounds okay but this whole paragraph lacks focus. A paragraph, in composition like this, should start with a topic sentence that gives the main idea for the paragraph. Therefore, this paragraph should be about being a fighter who always gets back on his feet. The rest of the sentences in the paragraph should be about this idea.

Use a different paragraph to talk about sports.
Use a different paragraph to talk about skipping the 8th grade.

one paragraph = one idea
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 11, 2010   #5
Here is one more idea I had:
I have had passed over some obstacles that I thought I would never manage to pass over overcome.

As you revise a little each day, look at how the first sentence of each paragraph compares to the last:
I feel that God put me in Broward College to mature more to the college level, and prepare me for a university. ...--------> I learned it was by coding, an entire other language; the complexity of the code amazed me but I wanted to know how it was done, how it was written.

With this paragraph above, you can see that the paragraph is not all focused on one idea. It slips off-topic. You can fix it by giving it a topic sentence that captures the main idea of the paragraph, or by changing the conclusion sentence to refer back to the topic sentence.

:-)
OP chillpill09 1 / 2  
Mar 12, 2010   #6
Thank you all so much! its just i have had really bad teachers for writing, like for the last sentence i was taught to make it a transition for the next paragraph. so i would use something that had nothing to do really with the whole paragraph, which confused me.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 12, 2010   #7
Haha, well, transition sentences have always been difficult for me, too. But actually, if the 2 paragraphs are in the same essay there should be some connection between them. However, it is SO HARD to write one sentence that includes both... and actually, I think I agree with you. Transition sentences are not always good.

But that does not mean you had bad teachers! Maybe they know something we don't!

For writing, though, think of a bull's eye. The center of it is the main idea for the whole essay... and each concentric circle is one of the body paragraphs.

I can list all these ideas -- being a fighter, wanting to be closer to God, playing sports, -- but there is one overarching idea that is the main theme for your life as you understand it.

Search for that! And write about it in the last sentence of the first paragraph and first sentence of the last paragraph. Obviously, that is not always what you should do, but try it some time if you want to apply my bull's eye approach to essay writing (and introspection).

:-)


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