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"Basketball and other aspects of sport" - Common App Extracurricular Short Answer


wqhello 1 / 1  
Oct 31, 2010   #1
Please help me!!! Many thanks! :)

This is my first draft for the 150 words short answer. Any idea is welcomed.

Three seconds left in the game, the team is down by two. XXX has the ball, he runs to the arc, and elevates... He hit the three! He did it!!! This never happened. I worked so hard that I was elected as a captain of the school basketball team, but my left knee sold me out. A bad injury kept me away from the court months. The experience was painful. However, I did not give up. My love for basketball urged me to explore other aspects of the sport. When I finally returned to court again, I was more than a captain. I am now a coach for a primary school team, and also a certified referee. Basketball did not make me become professional player, but it made me a stronger person. Never let obstacles stop you, keep your faith, listen to your heart, and success will follow.
NissanHaque 3 / 10  
Oct 31, 2010   #2
you might want to consider rewriting this completely. I know you try to twist the generalization but it still sounds generic. This is pretty weak. Sorry for the harsh criticism but I've read basically the same essay at least 300 times.
niklev 2 / 7  
Oct 31, 2010   #3
-only use one exclamation point
otherwise, great job!
flemtendo 1 / 4  
Oct 31, 2010   #4
I wouldn't have that concluding statement. It's obvious that you're just trying to impress an AdCom. It doesn't really sound natural.

Here's the way I like to look at this essay (common app activity): Can my extracurricular be replaced with another one? Is your essay unique to you and your experience playing basketball, or could a hockey player use it for his essay, simply replacing basketball and related content with hockey things.

For the most part, yours is pretty unique to you, its just you try to be too dramatic and impressive. Make it you. Not everything has to be a story.
OP wqhello 1 / 1  
Oct 31, 2010   #5
To all those who offered their generous advice, thank you very much!
I am trying to improve it.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 9, 2010   #6
I'll make some small changes here:
XXX has the ball; he runs to the arc, and elevates... He hits the three! He did it!!! This has never happened.

hahaha, your knee sold you out. Very good writing here...

A bad injury kept me away from the court months. The experience was painful. However, I did not give up. this part seems too simplistic, but it is okay.

My love for basketball urged me to explore other aspects of the sport. ---This is a great concept.

Basketball did not make me become experience did not lead me to become a professional player, but it made me a stronger person.

Never let obstacles stop you. Kee p your faith, listen to your heart, and success will follow.


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