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Basketball has become an indispensable part of my life - Common app short essay


trung2012 1 / 3  
Nov 1, 2009   #1
My name is Trung . This is my short essay . Help me plz !

Basketball has become an indispensable part of my life. When I first picked up a real basketball at the age of 13, everything I knew about basketball was from a series of comic books: "Slam dunk". I only knew the characters' moves, and mimicked their actions. Yet even with my limited knowledge of the game, I loved basketball at first sight, and have played the game everyday ever since. I love the game because, when I play with my friends, or sometimes just alone, I feel very comfortable and refreshed. Basketball also teaches me how to cooperate well with others, to follow the rules and to have discipline. Moreover, the most important thing that I gain from playing basketball is fun. There are always many funny situations in a game. I remember one time when my teammate stepped on the ball and fell hilariously, no one could continue playing and rolled on the court laughing. Lots of fun I guess!

Critiques are welcomed !

Trung Pham
Wyn 1 / 4  
Nov 1, 2009   #2
It looks good, i think it really gets you personality and that you love the game.
Locoluke - / 2  
Nov 2, 2009   #3
Grammatically, your essay has several problems: Keep your tenses consistent, and watch out for those runons and sentence fragments.
OP trung2012 1 / 3  
Nov 3, 2009   #4
Thanks .
But can you just correct those errors ?
Help me plz ..
Anyone ?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 3, 2009   #5
I love the game because, when I play with my friends, or sometimes just alone, I feel very comfortable and focused .

This is great! Indispensable is a good word.

...having fun when playing is far more important than... Don't use this sentence; it is a cliche. Know what I mean? Everyone says that. Can you tell the reader something about basketball that makes her or him appreciate basketball in a new way? Basketball reminds me of Zen Archery; maybe you see some meditation in basketball? Add something to make your essay unique!
medelman2010 11 / 31  
Nov 3, 2009   #6
Hey this has some really great ideas, but like the poster above me there are some grammer problems. Hope this helps!

When I first picked up a real basketball at the age of 13, alleverything I knowknew about basketball was from a series of comic books: "Slam dunk". I only knew the characters' moves, and mimicked their actions . Yet even with my limited knowlage of the game,But I loved basketball at first sight, and have played the game ever since. . Thus, I have played basketball almost everyday ever since.

Moreover, the most important thing that I have(you dont "have" anything when you play basketball, you gain something intangible from it)when I playgain from playing basketball is the fun.

Like the other poster said, the last few lines are pretty cliche. Try to "show" and not "tell" that for you the fun out ways the competition.
OP trung2012 1 / 3  
Nov 3, 2009   #7
Thanks everyone :D
This is my second draft. But it's 160 words long ==! So help me to cut it off or is it ok to break the limit ?

Help me plz !


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