As a basketball enthusiast, I dreamed of joining my high school's varsity team to experience the loud roars of the crowd and the leather feeling of the ball as I dribbled it; however, I never made the team. Each year of my first 3 years of high school, I was rejected from team after each tryout. After each tryout, I tried to improve myself by learning the fundamentals, joining a basketball camp, and playing at the gym each day. After my senior tryout for the varsity team, I still failed. After four years of trying out, after all the training and effort I dedicated to basketball, I questioned myself why I couldn't make the high school team.
I can dunk a basketball, I can palm a basketball, and I can consistently shoot a basketball. I pondered that question, but I never found an answer. Then a moment of truth came to me. I was asking the wrong question. The real question is why did I play basketball and why did I keep playing after each tryout I was rejected from. The answer is simple. Basketball is a sport that gave me friendship on any court I played on. Basketball is also a never ending challenge in which one competes against an opponent of higher caliber than the opponent before. This sport gave me the mentality to accept challenges no matter how high the difficulty is.
Ending Sentence 1
Yes, I didn't make team during my high school career, and many might see this as a failure, but basketball gave me something I came to value; friendship and challenge.
Ending Sentence 2
I didn't make my high school basketball team, but will the four years of faliure in tryouts stop me from trying out for the college varsity or club team. No. With this sport, I will continue to face challenge and raise against more difficult challenges. Eitherway, what is the harm? I can fall down, but I can get back up.
Okay, so I edited it. What do you think about it now? And which ending should I choose, 1 or 2?
I think your first paragraph needs restructuring. It just gave one notion to me; that you did not make the team after many tries. One sentence would have sufficed for the entire first paragraph. You need to show the university that you have confidence with yourself. It sounds as though you are a sore loser ( no offense) . Just twist the words a bit. I like your theme though. you sound very persistent :)
You should vary the way you say "I still didn't make the team." It got redundant in the first paragraph. Also, your last statement is a bit confusing. You're saying that you can compete with anyone, even at the NBA level, which simply isn't true. Instead, perhaps make the message about accepting challenge, rather than saying you're just as good as the best of them.
Hi Mustafa,
Firstly, I enjoyed reading your essay. I thought the use of an anecdote on how you failed something, rather than succeeded tremendously, was interesting.
However, there are a few things that I would 'clean up' if I were you:
For example, "Everyone at the gym who saw me play basketball thought I was on my high school team, but I wasn't. I never found the answer to that question, but I found another question. Why did I play basketball and why did I keep playing after each tryout I was rejected from."
I would reword the above to say something like, "Everyone at the gym who saw me play assumed that I was on my school team. Despite all this, I never found an answer as to why my endeavors were not successful. Instead, I found another question worth contemplating: why did I persist, given the caliber of rejection I experienced?"
You also have some discontinuity in your tenses:
"Basketball was also a never ending challenge because after each opponent I defeat in a game, I compete against the next one who is of higher caliber."
This could be reworded to say, "Basketball was also a never ending challenge because after each opponent I defeated in a game, I would compete against another with a higher caliber".
Overall, the meaning behind you essay is there. However, elementary mistakes like the ones above will set you back. Yale is a highly selective school, so mistakes such as word tensing really do make your application less attractive. Fortunately, they can be easily fixed. With a bit of sprucing, your essay will be very strong.
Good luck with you application (I hope to see you at Yale next September if I get accepted)!!
I just edited it a couple of minute ago with the new version of it, and condensed it.
I like ending #1.
However, "Yes, I didn't make team during my high school career, and many might see this as a failure, but basketball gave me something I came to value; friendship and challenge." should really be written as, "Yes, I didn't make the team during my high school career-- something many might see as a failure. However, basketball did give me something I have come to value: friendship, and challenge".
That's just how I'd write it.
Good luck :D
definitely option 1. Its simple and straight to the point. Option 2 is rather long-winded.
Maybe you could add something like determination and confidence. Everybody faces friendship issues but to find someone who is determined for a change is another question.
Otherwise, your essay would be ready for submission.
Why did I play basketball and why did I keep playing after each tryout I was rejected from?
At my senior tryout for the varsity team, I still failed.
After four years of trying out, after all the training and effort I dedicated to basketball, I questioned myself as to why I couldn't make the high school team.
After all, I can dunk a basketball, I can palm a basketball, and I can consistently shoot a basketball.
This sport gave me the mentality to accept challenges, no matter how high the difficulty they posses.
YesNo , I didn't make the team during my high school career, and many might see this as a failure, but...
Even though this could be seen as a failure, and some might question why I continue to play basketball with great efforts, my response is failure will always be eminent, but with each failure, success will become more eminent.
:)
