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'Basketball and learning Arabic' - The last two summers - Princeton


makman09 9 / 86  
Dec 31, 2011   #1
From the activities I pursued during my last two summers, my intention was to better myself in mentality and physicality because I wanted to excel in athletics and academics in my junior and senior year. From how my summer happened, this isn't a tale of overcoming weakness and attaining success. It was more than that.

As I woke up every morning, I went to the basketball court near my school to improve my speed, accuracy on shooting, and critical strategies against a player's defense and offense. At the end of each practice, sweat climbed down my forehead no matter how many times I wiped it and I felt intense heat in my feet from a lack of ventilation due to tightly tied shoes. But with all the discomfort came versatility. As I go to the gym each night, many of my peers were impressed on how I could combat any difficult situation in a basketball game. I was able to defend a player who had a hundred pounds and six inches on me and I was quick enough to stop any player on a fast break. From the amount of practice I dedicated to basketball, I not only improved myself a basketball player, but I competed with higher caliber players. I wasn't attaining my full potential, but increasing the limit of my capabilities in basketball.

Aside from basketball, I gave myself a challenge during my summer: learn the most difficult language which was Arabic. As a stranger to the language, I had trouble pronouncing the letters and I let the frustration get the better of myself. However, a strange moment of epiphany came to me. As I was learning how to speak the language, I was listening to a couple of tracks from a Hip-Hop genre. I began to notice how I spoke Arabic followed the beats of the tracks. From the peculiar trait I noticed, I developed my enjoyment for the linguistic rhythm of Arabic. I came to appreciate Arabic as a beautiful language of poetry when spoken with emphasis on certain words. Have I mastered the language yet? No, but somehow I managed to memorize curses in Arabic.

Tell me what you think and if you're impressed.
insanesoul81994 10 / 30  
Dec 31, 2011   #2
At the end of each practice, sweat climbed down my forehead no matter how many times I wiped it[comma] and I felt intense heat in my feet from a lack of ventilation due to tightly tied shoes.

As I go to the gym each night, many of my peers were impressed on how I could combat any difficult situation in a basketball game. This sentence changes from present to past tense. Change it so it stays on one tense.

Otherwise I was pretty impressed. Nice job! Could you take a look at my Personal Statement? Thanks!
silentspring 12 / 58  
Dec 31, 2011   #3
There is a lot of potential in your essay.
It will be stronger if you start out with what happened because college admission people read thousands of these; and I believe everyone starts out their essay by writing his/her insights.

Start out with "what happened" and try to incorporate some descriptive anecdotes because people are hardwired for stories. Hope this helps.
silentspring 12 / 58  
Dec 31, 2011   #4
It is definitely better.
But, you could still magnify a moment when you are playing basketball. For example, how you used your body to against others.
dualsuriel 1 / 2  
Jan 1, 2012   #5
Your short essay is pretty impressive. I find I can hardly give your suggestion.
Just one thing--"I was able to defend a player who had a hundred pounds and six inches on me and I was quick enough to stop any player on a fast break." You may wirte about your action about how you defend the player, if you have enough space.


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