From the activities I pursued during my last two summers, my intention was to better myself in mentality and physicality because I wanted to excel in athletics and academics in my junior and senior year. From how my summer happened, this isn't a tale of overcoming weakness and attaining success. It was more than that.
As I woke up every morning, I went to the basketball court near my school to improve my speed, accuracy on shooting, and critical strategies against a player's defense and offense. At the end of each practice, sweat climbed down my forehead no matter how many times I wiped it and I felt intense heat in my feet from a lack of ventilation due to tightly tied shoes. But with all the discomfort came versatility. As I go to the gym each night, many of my peers were impressed on how I could combat any difficult situation in a basketball game. I was able to defend a player who had a hundred pounds and six inches on me and I was quick enough to stop any player on a fast break. From the amount of practice I dedicated to basketball, I not only improved myself a basketball player, but I competed with higher caliber players. I wasn't attaining my full potential, but increasing the limit of my capabilities in basketball.
Aside from basketball, I gave myself a challenge during my summer: learn the most difficult language which was Arabic. As a stranger to the language, I had trouble pronouncing the letters and I let the frustration get the better of myself. However, a strange moment of epiphany came to me. As I was learning how to speak the language, I was listening to a couple of tracks from a Hip-Hop genre. I began to notice how I spoke Arabic followed the beats of the tracks. From the peculiar trait I noticed, I developed my enjoyment for the linguistic rhythm of Arabic. I came to appreciate Arabic as a beautiful language of poetry when spoken with emphasis on certain words. Have I mastered the language yet? No, but somehow I managed to memorize curses in Arabic.
Tell me what you think and if you're impressed.
At the end of each practice, sweat climbed down my forehead no matter how many times I wiped it[comma] and I felt intense heat in my feet from a lack of ventilation due to tightly tied shoes.
As I go to the gym each night, many of my peers were impressed on how I could combat any difficult situation in a basketball game. This sentence changes from present to past tense. Change it so it stays on one tense.
Otherwise I was pretty impressed. Nice job! Could you take a look at my Personal Statement? Thanks!
There is a lot of potential in your essay.
It will be stronger if you start out with what happened because college admission people read thousands of these; and I believe everyone starts out their essay by writing his/her insights.
Start out with "what happened" and try to incorporate some descriptive anecdotes because people are hardwired for stories. Hope this helps.
It is definitely better.
But, you could still magnify a moment when you are playing basketball. For example, how you used your body to against others.
Your short essay is pretty impressive. I find I can hardly give your suggestion.
Just one thing--"I was able to defend a player who had a hundred pounds and six inches on me and I was quick enough to stop any player on a fast break." You may wirte about your action about how you defend the player, if you have enough space.