Hi I'm a senior in high school seeking to major in Business in college. Below is my college essay and I hope you all could help give me some tips on improving my essay. Some questions I wanted to ask is... Is it too feministic? Is it interesting? Does my essay answer the common app question completely and clearly? And any other advice you have for me please include thank you!
College Essay:Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?
Batting an Eye (592 words)
This is a man's world, this is a man's world.
When I first read the lyrics to this song, I thought to myself, "Why is this repeated twice? The singer must have meant, "This is a man's world, this is a woman's world." But as my eyes scanned the lyrics, I realized the singer, James Brown meant to phrase it this way.
As I got older, I saw examples in my own life of sexism. I recall one incident when I was in 8th grade when I was first confronted by this sexist view. At around this time, I was taking my first tennis lessons. I remember my teacher, a middle-aged, scraggy-looking woman, with features like a man's. The first few days went smoothly, and soon enough I was training in a group of five other kids. However, that was when I began to sense something different. Now let me emphasize that the group of kids, all boys except for me. As I trained with them I started to see that they were all clearly much faster and stronger than me. For instance, on my first practice match I was rallying with another player, but my returns were weak since I was exhausted. Afterwards, my teacher put me on regular tennis drills, not allowing me to practice with the other players.
My teacher's attitude was demeaning instead of encouraging and at that point, I wanted to give up on tennis. However, I saw I was not the only one treated this way. My teacher was patronizing to all the female players. She always allowed the boys more time on the court and spoke to them in a more encouraging tone. Eventually the time came when I could not contain myself. I could not believe people were not batting an eye and were letting her get away with such unjust actions. My mother always told me to respect my elders, but that rule had to be broken this once. I confronted her directly and everything in my mind just poured out- her sexist perception, her discriminatory actions, and her condescending behavior. After I finished what I had to say, my teacher looked baffled and offended. She replied to me saying how I could dare accuse her of such things since in her mind she was being completely fair to everyone. After that incident, I stopped training at her place and found another teacher who would actually coach me seriously regardless of what gender I was. I was able to continue tennis and not be disheartened enough to actually quit the sport.
Even though, speaking out may not have changed her behavior, if I were to encounter the same situation again, I would confront her again. That way at least other people will see that there are actually individuals who are willing to take initiative to speak out against a prejudiced person rather than remaining oblivious. Then maybe people will actually start batting an eye to unfair treatments and speak up for a change. I have come to realize that we live in a very male-dominated society, but I do not want to limit myself because of my gender. I see myself one day as a leader working in the business field, even though these roles are still dominated by men. In the future, I may be underestimated, but I will not let that slow me down. Like a bull charging forward, I will take measures to persevere until the end and aspire to see my goals to the end. [i wanted to add an analogy with the bull since there is a common term used in business/economy called Bull&Bear, is it a bit corny?]
Not sure if this fits the prompt as you do not demonstrate an "idea" that you challenged but rather a perception that you had. You stated in your essay that you were lagging behind the other players. Most readers reading this will assume that this is the reason for the "separation" and not so much because your coach was not friendly towards women. To make this essay stronger, you need to clearly show that your coach had a deep seated belief that women players are inherently inferior. - Admissions Advice Online