Hello. I need some help on the sentence flow and grammar in this essay. I'm not sure about the introduction, but it was an attempt at making this interesting. I tried to go back to it at the end by saying "this entrapment has changed the grip of a furious antagonist to the affectionate embraceing of a friend" but the character count is too much and now it sounds kind of dumb, so i took it out
The human brain has engulfed me.
The brain ensnares me in never-ending thoughts, spellbinding me with intricate memories and perceptions. Fighting to slacken its hold on my body, I dodge firing neurons and shield myself from the angry wrath of the amygdala.
My knowledge of what the brain is capable of acts as my only tool for survival.
The foundation of this ensnarement lies in my fascination with the brain as a final frontier of science. Concentrating in neuroscience while majoring in biology in my undergraduate years will give me the resources needed to better understand the brain. By studying under the guidance of Professor Ted Abel, my captivation by the brain can only strengthen as my knowledge of functions of the brain such as memory and genetics. Professor Abel's numerous accomplishments such as receiving the BBB Society Professor of the Year by his undergraduate students proves his immense talent as a teacher and advisor. His active involvement in his students' research using mice to study behavior, as well as his described "approachability", make him the ideal mentor to help me contribute to this field of the future. (956/1000)
Isn't this way past the character limit?
You do know spaces are counted as well right?
Sounds smooth though, good job.
"The foundation of this ensnarement lies in my fascination with the brain as a final frontier of science."
your language in the first sent. is a little fancy, but other than that, i think it's good. as for the intro., i would try to think of another approach. maybe a rhetorical ques.?
Nice job. It's so ironic, because I chose to write about neuroscience for my Penn professor essay too. I'm posting mine soon. I liked how you incorporated the achievements of the professor, but I suggest you talk more about why you like neuroscience so much. Good job though. I like it.
Thanks so much, I didnt realize spaces count.
here is the revised short answer, any grammatical errors?
The human brain ensnares me in never-ending thoughts, spellbinding me with intricate memories and perceptions. Fighting to slacken its hold on my body, I dodge firing neurons and shield myself from the angry wrath of the amygdala.
The foundation of this ensnarement lies in my fascination with the brain as a final frontier of science. Concentrating in neuroscience while majoring in biology in my undergraduate years will grant me the resources needed to better understand the brain. By studying under the guidance of Professor Ted Abel, my research may answer the many social problems whose origins stem from the brain. Professor Abel's numerous accomplishments such as receiving the BBB Society Professor of the Year proves his immense talent as a teacher and advisor. His active involvement in his students' research using mice to study behavior, as well as his described "approachability", make him the ideal mentor to help me contribute to this field of the future.
bump. suggestions?
Concentrating in neuroscience while majoring in biology in my undergraduate years, will grant me the resources needed to better understand the brain.
Professor Abel's numerous accomplishments, such as receiving the BBB Society Professor of the Year proves his immense talent as a teacher and adviser.
His active involvement in his students' research using mice to study behavior, as well as his "approachability" , make him the ideal mentor to help me contribute to this field of the future.
looks good!
:)
