Hi! This is the common app essay draft that I have right now and any feedback/edit/criticism would be greatly appreciated!!! If you feel that this essay should be scrapped or restructured big time, dont hesitate to let me know (I have extra essays)!
PROMPT: Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
Brrrrrrrrrrrrp! There, the classic lip warm up.This is it Danny. All those practice hours in the basement. Take a quick sip of water; you can't rush in with a dry throat. Remember, no excessive hand gestures and communicate with the crowd.
I run on to the stage as the loudspeaker booms out my name. There's a roar of applause. Mic? Check. 3, 2, 1. Let's go.
I am a self-proclaimed vocal percussionist. I love to practice what is commonly known as beatboxing, a modern art form that involves creating instrument sounds with only one's vocal chords.
Nowadays using four languages a day isn't uncommon; years ago, even two seemed to be more than I could handle. Born in Korea and thrown into an English speaking community in a Mandarin speaking province, I was confused and disoriented. In the midst of this chaotic adolescence I developed my "second language", expressing myself through musical sounds when words wouldn't do my thoughts justice.
When I was old enough to realize that erratically banging chopsticks on cups wasn't considered drumming and mature enough to realize my constant nagging for a drum kit wasn't helping my family's financial struggles, all I could do was listen to music. Amidst these obstacles I was challenged by a quote from my childhood hero Caillou: "Not having should never be an excuse for not doing". Soon, tapping to the beat and imitating instruments became my true childhood hobby.
However, it wasn't until a family trip to downtown Philadelphia that I first witnessed the captivating art of beatboxing. The notion that a human had the capability to produce such articulate sounds without any external technology was a revelation. Upon returning home, I shouted to my baby sister "Check this out!" and started ridiculously attempting to recreate the sound I had just heard. She responded with a disdainful frown, "Oppa yibbe muh gyutseo?" (Do you have something stuck in your mouth?). But I didn't let that dissuade me - at that point, I was already enthralled.
Back then, beatboxing still had little following in my country. For instance, if you googled "beatboxing" in Google, the search suggested various kickboxing positions rather than actual beatboxing techniques. Nevertheless, I persisted in unearthing information about this obscure activity, eagerly perusing every video tutorial that I could find. Of course, like any art form, perfecting different beats and sounds took hours of work. Practicing until I could barely speak anymore wasn't uncommon, and the distressing nasal surgeries that came around from breathing complications did not faze me.
This past summer, I finally had a chance to share my passion for beatboxing with the world. From the days of getting ridiculed by my younger sister, I had come to perform on a stage in front of an 800-strong live audience, standing with the very man who had inspired me to take up beatboxing. Nowadays, I continue to perform at local talent shows and fundraisers, leading my own volunteer music organization around the community.
What is so fascinating about beatboxing is the fact that I don't know what I'll be doing - there's no formula behind it. The satisfaction of impromptu creativity delights me. Often inspired by the emotions, the atmosphere, and the moment, sometimes I start off a technical 12/8 beat like that of a Baroque clarinet concerto with elements of upbeat electro. On others, a laid-back groove with roots in old-school hip-hop might conjure itself for the crowd.
What matters to me the most, though, is that creating music through beatboxing is a door to a world with adventure, thrill, and the truest expression. To me, every single sound has its own emotion, no matter the instrument. Frogs croaking in the pond is music, a waterfall splashing is a harmony. A carpenter hammering timber is a rhythm, children laughing is a melody. In what might seem a strange cacophony of noises individually, those emotions eventually come together to conceive an euphonic beat of boundless possibilities, transforming into something much more than sound, and that in itself excites me.
P.S. I know this is late but I'm really seeking feedback before deadline!!! Please help!
Good job :) You have a good purpose to your essay and it is well written. I like the correlation you made to beatboxing being like your third language. I can actually really relate to this because my older brother is also an avid beatboxer and performs with an acapella group in college. Plus I'm also Korean. I have a couple comments and edits though.
"All those practice hours in the basement" is a little awkward so I'd change it to "all those hours of practice in the basement". "I run on to the stage..." should be "onto" as in one word. The intro is different but it doesn't grab my attention as I feel like an intro should. It works with the essay but it can be improved. Maybe focus more on details and imagery rather than writing out your thought process. It seems almost too informal, but then again.. it is a personal essay that showcases you and your personality. Don't change it if you like it and you feel it shows your best self though. I'm just giving you my (very unprofessional) advice.
When I was old enough to realize that erratically banging chopsticks ...
This second paragraph is a little weak as the wording isn't quite strong a little bit awkward. I understand the point being made, but the quote from Caillou is a little off putting. The first sentence needs to be revised though. Maybe change the syntax of the sentence.
The rest of your essay is stronger and the purpose is clearer. Just the first half that needs a little tweaking :) Overall though, your chosen essay topic is one that is used a lot and I would have advised against this style, but your interest is unique which inevitably redeems the essay and allows you to properly express yourself in a different way.
Feel free to read my essay as well. I did the same prompt and submitted it already to a couple colleges for early action. I got accepted
@shealeear8
Wow, thank you so much for the feedback! It was actually one of the most helpful edits I've received. I read your essay and it is seriously exemplar, really the only possible changes would be stylistic or personal preference things.
If you don't mind, I just have a few questions I hope you could help answer.
When you said "Your chosen essay topic is one that is used a lot and I would have advised against this style", can you clarify what exactly you mean?
Are you talking about the topic as in the cliche "music is life" or the prompt that I chose and the chronologically storytelling style instead of focusing more on a moment? I know my essay is MUCH more of an "easy-read" than yours, do you think my writing style should be changed up? Before writing my essay I thought one of those substantive philosophical style essays might not keep the adcom's attention as well as a more straightforward one...
I'm thinking cutting out some parts and maybe elaborate more on one particular moment, especially since this essay was initially a lot longer but was cut down for the word limit.
I guess I had thought my essay was pretty good because of the "unique(?)" factor I have with beatboxing, but the more I edit it seems like the way the whole thing is written out is not great at all...
Thank you so much for everything, congrats on your early acceptances and good luck if you are applying regular anywhere!
