Feel free to edit it however you please; it's still in the early stages of editing and I appreciate whatever help you can provide! Thanks.
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I let out a surprised yell. This hill was only getting steeper, the turns sharper, the jumps bigger. There was nothing to do but get to the bottom; mountain biking isn't a sport where you can sit on the bench when you get tired or hurt. Down the hill my yell was echoed by a whoop of exhilaration. Great. My eleven-year-old stepbrother was beating me down. Again.
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After revision:
I yelped in surprise; the hill kept getting steeper, the turns sharper, and the jumps bigger. There was nothing to do but get to the bottom; mountain biking isn't a sport where you can sit on the bench when you get tired or hurt. Down the hill my yell was echoed by a whoop of exhilaration. Great. My eleven-year-old stepbrother was beating me. Again.
I come from a family of athletes, my dad especially. He was an avid dirtbiker until he broke his leg (for the third time), and his osteoporosis did not encourage him to go out and break it again. He turned to mountain biking, and has ignited a passion for off road cycling in my siblings and I. To put it in perspective: our family of five owns sixteen bikes, and we would own more if my stepmom allowed it.
My stepbrother, Jack, has always tried to please and impress my family. Quickly he displayed a natural ability for mountain biking, and these days even my second place varsity title does not enable me to keep up with him down steep hills, nor the fact that he's six years my junior.
Jack's ability on the trail often makes us overestimate his maturity, so when he makes naive comments, asks questions endlessly, or tries to show off, my family quickly silences him. Recently, I realized this tendency in all of us, myself included. His extraordinary athleticism is not grounds for unattainable expectations. His abilities are worth bragging about, and his motivation is clear -- he seeks to impress us into accepting him into our hearts. He calls me his sister, forgoing the "step" and thus the fact that only marriage binds us.
I used to consider myself one of the most nonjudgmental, loving people I know. The impatient, dismissive remarks that my stepbrother endures from me do not fit with the person I seek to grow into. I strive to listen to him and accept the fact that he is still a child. I have begun tutoring him, adopting the nurturing role that I feel a sister should, and the role I take with my biological brother. I want to be more like Jack, fearless, kindhearted, and loyal.
Though my stepbrother looks up to me, he is the true role model. It is not only on the trails that I strive to catch up with him; his unabashed curiosity, determination to excel, and love for our mixed family are traits I aspire to embody. He has taught me I am not as perfect as I would have myself believe, and my drive for self improvement has affected me in my family environment, in school, and on the trails.
Just jotting down some thoughts:
I let out a surprised yell. This hill was only getting steeper, the turns sharper, the jumps bigger.
I yelped in surprise; the hill kept getting steeper, the turns sharper, and the jumps bigger.
He turned to mountain biking, and has inspired in my siblings and I a passion for off road cycling. Let me put it this way-- our family of five owns sixteen bikes, and we would own more if my stepmom allowed it.
He turned to mountain biking, and has ignited a passion for off road cycling in both my siblings and I. But let me put this mutual passion into perspective: our family of five owns sixteen bikes, and we'd own more if our step-mom allowed it.
he displayed a natural affinity for mountain biking
Affinity means a natural liking towards something (which you already mentioned earlier.) I think you're trying to describe his quickly gained natural talents for biking, so I think you'd be better off using another word.
up with him down steep hills. Neither does the fact that he is six years my junior.
up with him down steep hills, or the fact that he's six years younger then me. (simpler and requires less thought to understand.)
I really like the last two paragraphs. There's still a lot more polishing to be done though, and I recommend you simplify wording, combine sentences for fluidity, and watch out for sentence fragments.
I think you only need a hyphen between year and old: ...eleven year-old ...
...stepbrother was beating me. Again.----hahaha, that is cute...
I used to consider myself one of the most nonjudgmental, loving people I know. The impatient, dismissive remarks that my stepbrother endures from me do not fit with the person I seek to grow into. ----Very impressive part of the essay right here.
I think you should make a statement at the beginning of the essay... perhaps at the beginning of the second paragraph, that tells the main message you want to leave with the reader. As it is now, I feel like you are just telling me a bunch of things about your family. They become meaningful if you express a theme at the start of the essay, because they will all be supporting the theme and proving what you claim.
:-)
