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"beauties of creation" Is this poetry or it can be used as a admission essay for NJIT


danielgabriel 1 / 2  
Mar 2, 2011   #1
unfortunately I have not gotten very positive feed back from this essay and even gotten a comment form my uncle "who is mad for literature" saying you might not be ready for college.

my questions; are every words used properly, does the essay fit the question, do I have to mainly rant about my academics and this is absolutely useless?

What academic, educational, or other experiences have you had that provide a foundation for participating in NJIT's Honors College? You may submit your essay as an MS-Word attachment to honors@njit.edu

Without dreams there is no ambition, without ambition there is no dedication. my foundation, the choices maid this present day make me who I am. growing up discipline and hard work was absent in my life. I squandered away time with distractions. Naming them is unimportant but what is, that they were there and it severely affected my actions. my mother worked many jobs during the day and night to not be able to invest the needed time in my school work hence I got away with mediocrity. I had lived like that for 16 years and had mentioned to everyone who ever put interest in me " I will do better" but shown myself as a hypocrite to their face. Today and sense the summer of 2011, I have told myself to do better and proven true to my word.

My sophomore year I had four math teachers because something seemed to always happen. Almost every single one worked for the paycheck and not for the students, they waisted time and never went deep into the materiel. It was a Honers Algebra II class but really felt like a "free period", the fourth one changed that concept. He didn't even bother to have us proof our potential and right away and handed us complex problems. He almost completely neglected the material assigned for the year and band calculators in the class. If we were to divide, multiply, square root or absolutely anything it was to be done on the board or paper and pencil if lucky, I was in heaven. He truly taught us Algebra. When it came to the quadratic formula we were not aloud to use it until we knew how to create it from (ax^2)+bx+c=0 to what it is commonly used today. The material became difficult for other students hence he offered to tutor during lunch periods but none went except me, I didn't need the extra help but went anyway. Every day I skipped my lunch period and went to his class to do math, work on a abundant amount of problems, he had me write them out to the smallest subtraction. The day I disappointed him was when I skipped out of perfection. I was taking a test and my last problem was time demanding that would probably cause me to miss out on my next period, I rushed because of the lack in time management. I rushed to not fail this other class and not spend my summer making it up. He confronted me the next day and showed me my test saying I can do better then this, it was a B.

If there was ever a comment one person receives from another that sticks to you, mine would be this " Daniel if I was to describe you the only word needed is anarchy." That night I thought about it, looked up the definition of anarchy, spent every day after that thinking about it at least once to make sense of what he said. The next year my reputation of lazy student perceived me that no teacher gave interest when showed potential. Just as I disappointed my 9th grade Biology teacher who went aside his instructed lectures from superiors after I proved potential and handed me a AP biology textbook to have that as my curriculum to learn.One day my french teacher lectured me out in the hall about my work ethics that even though i did not like his class I needed to do well in it to pass the year, Mr.Peredy happened to be around and over heard the conversation. He asked to speak to me in privet and was stunned discovering how poorly I did in most of my other classes. I showed him previous report cards and the only A's in it threw out the year were in Geometry and Biology, he was disappointed.

Summer of 2011 a women came up to me while I was leaving the YMCA's gym offering a job of camp counselor from 8AM-6PM Monday-Friday . I rarely touched the money I earned and I spent the whole summer hating my job but never seemed to quit. The job expected me to be social, flexible, patient, and exemplary person for these children even though I secretly wasn't. That changed, I became everything expected of me and progressed each day. I did it because I expected myself to be better, no more laziness I developed this love for challenge, test my capabilities and surpass them or fail trying. My childhood dream, what has always shown in mathematics and science is to understand and create.There is only one certainty in life, a strong man stands above and conquers all.
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Mar 2, 2011   #2
Almost every sentence is cut in half by a comma. It makes it hard to read, having a kind of "stop and go" affect that makes it harder to understand.

"waist" should be waste.

"At age seven something as simple, a lego taped into my creativity and left me with a thirst for more." Do you mean something as simple as a lego? And I think you might mean to say tapped, not taped.

It says to write about an experience and such to explain why you deserve this honor. If you could focus on a specific event that makes you eligible for the honor, it may help them to understand why they should pick you. For example, perhaps you should briefly explain a childhood experience of taking apart a toy for the sake of knowledge.

Your paper is written powerfully, even if it is a bit unclear at first. Your passion is obvious in the intensity of your words.
Good luck!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 8, 2011   #3
This sentence needs a conjunction:

Without dreams there is no ambition, and without ambition there is no dedication.

Why is this not capitalized?---> my foundation, the choices maid I have made this present day make me who I am.

Capitalize the first word of every sentence:
growing Growing up discipline and hard...
This needs the word during:
During my sophomore year, I had four...

If there was ever a comment one person receives received from another that stuck in their mind, mine would be this comment made to me: "Daniel, if I was to...

:-)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 8, 2011   #4
Below is some feedback I started to give in another thread where you posted this essay. Do not post your essay in more than one thread! :-)

Dont' be lazy about capitalization! ---> there is no dedication. my foundation, the choices maid made this present day make me who I am. growing up discipline and hard work was absent in my life.

I squandered away time with distractions. Naming them is unimportant but what is important is that they were there, and it severely affected my actions.

my mother worked many jobs during the day and night to not be able to invest the needed time in my school work; hence I got away with mediocrity. ----I added a semi-colon here, but I won't fix the capitalization! I see that you know you are supposed to capitalize the first letter of each sentence. :-)


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