'beautiful hill town of Darjeeling' - Boarding School essay

Hi I need your help editing this essay please help... I need to turn this in by January 15th.
Thank you
Tsering

Tucked somewhere at an elevation of 6,710 ft above sea level; inside the mountains of Mahabharata in West Bengal, India lies a small, placid, and beautiful hill town of Darjeeling. It is a popular tourist destination and is noted for its tea industry and the Darjeeling Himalayan Railway also known as the Toy Train. This beautiful hill town is like a second home to me since I was six and it holds many dear memories of my childhood.

Darjeeling is the place where I as a six year old, learned how to cope with loneliness, homesickness and living amongst different people. Going away from home at the age of six and living away from my parents was very lonely and every night I would weep quietly under my blankets for my mom and dad. Looking back, I was lucky to have my older brother with me otherwise I would have suffered even more from loneliness. Honestly, I wasn't good at making friends because I was too reserved to talk to anybody and shunned myself from everybody around me, except for one of my classmate who always stuck by me and gave me company, even though I didn't talk much and wasn't fun to hang out with. He was the one that got me to come out of my shell and start getting involved with other kids and enjoying boarding school instead of hating it. We did a lot of things together from playing games to hanging out during our outings to the bazar. Once during sports day, I was competing for my house in pop the balloon and because of me my house lost, and I was really down and crying in a corner, when he came and consoled me. He always had my back and I had his, that's what I loved about our friendship. We were more like brothers, than friends.

Aside from holding many of my childhood memories and experiences, Darjeeling is the place where I met a person whom I respected and whose kindness and compassion has been a driving force that helps me strive to be better. Ever since moving to America, I have lost touch with my friends and haven't been able to establish contact with them because I can't seem to remember their names. Even though I might not be able to see them again, I will always keep the times we spent together in my heart and never forget them because those were really one of my happiest moments in my life and when I think about Darjeeling I will think about the happy times we spent together.

I think your first paragraph is good. It sets the scene and time of your essay.
However, your second paragraph needs a little work.


... At both the end of your first paragraph, and these two sentences you repeat at the age of six or when you were six. I'd say you don't need the second two but definitely get rid of the last one. I'd say "...Living away from my parents at a young age was very lonely and every night I would weep quietly under my blankets for my mom and dad.

You also do something similar with the word lonely or loneliness. You should try to find a different word or rephrase it in a few places.


I'd put this in a different way... maybe something like "I was never good at making friends. Being reserved and shy, I tended to shun myself from my peers. However, one classmate persisted and stuck by me, even if I didn't do the same for him..." What you have is a good thought, but the wording is a bit too critical of yourself and awkward.


A bit confusing on what you mean. While competing in a sports competition, I felt that I was at fault for letting my team down, but it was my friend who helped me recover from my guilt?

Paragraph 3:


isn't meeting your friend a childhood memory?


this isn't necessary.


Try breaking this sentence into two or even three. It's run on at the moment.

With a little improvement and revision this can be a really thoughtful essay. Good job.