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"Beauty" -- express in a more descriptive way? brave and creative


huyijia92 1 / 2  
Aug 31, 2010   #1
This is the first draft of my common app personal essay. I want to convey the theme that I am brave and creative enough to break the tradition, and succeed in what i am doing.

But I am really concern about the word choice and the way I express myself. Because I know that it would be much better if I use more descriptive sentence, but I'm just stucked there right now.

Especially those bolded sentences, I know they are way too general, making them sound boring.
Can anyone please help to make my essay sounds more lively and interesting, thank you!!!!! Also, can anyone please give some advice on the topic of this essay? Is it not representative enough?

Beauty?
Puffing, sighing, enduring the great pain of every single step, it was not little mermaid walking towards her prince with agonizing bliss filling her heart; it was I, toddling towards the migrant children school, with my red toes whining and wiggling in the extremely tight high heels.

I volunteered to be an English co-teacher here weeks ago; now, I finally got the chance to prove myself. The leader of this volunteering program said that if I can show my ability and enthusiasm in teaching the children, he would accept me as a volunteer. Thus here I was, tied up by my formal suit, fettered by my mother's polished high heels, hoping that the students can be attracted by my beauty and hence enjoy my class.

Beauty,
"DUCK, everyone, read with me, DUCK!" I tried to look professional and mimicked the typical Chinese teaching method the leader taught me, "Dress well so that the students will look up to you. Talk seriously so that the students will be afraid of you. These two rules apply especially well to a young teacher like you. If you ever try to be nice, these kids will think that you are gullible and will never pay attention in class anymore. Remember, when it comes to a young and inexperienced teacher like you are, appearance is almost everything". I carved her "kind" reminders in my heart. So I held my chins up, looked straight forward to avoid inappropriate eye contact with the students, and explained every new vocabulary in details to the wall in the other end of the class. However, class has begun for an hour, and the students are constantly yawning. Though eager to break the ice with my passion, I am distracted by the leader's reminder to maintain a serious manner, and the increasing pain in my grazed feet caused by the gorgeous high heels. Some students start nodding off, and the leader is evaluating my performance with a frown. With great trepidations, I realized that the children were not at all allured by my so-called beauty.

Transition. I kicked off my high heels and walked straight to the center of the classroom. Curious wide eyes turned to study me, twinkling with perplexity. "Since we are learning the names of different animals today, why not put what we have learned together and sing it out?" I felt my voice shivering, but I forced out a smile, "Old MacDonald has a farm, E I E I O, and on his farm he has some ducks..."As I sing, I flap my arms furiously like wings and waddle around the classroom. The leader raised her eyebrow. This is not what a traditional Chinese teacher would do in her class, but I have to try and appeal to the kids' playful side. Soon after, when I repeated the song a third time and mimicked different animals, the class burst into laughter. Students eagerly and enthusiastically join in this unique learning method. I look for the leader nervously, and surprisingly, she is dancing with the children.

Beauty!
"Hey everyone, morning!", a week later, I walk into the classroom again, "I will first share a story with you today: The Ugly Duckling!" The students cannot understand every detail, but as I exaggerated the story by varying my tone and acting it out, the students leaned forward and laughed. I looked down, and there is my shirt, my jeans and a pair of plain, worn sports shoes smiling at me.
OP huyijia92 1 / 2  
Aug 31, 2010   #2
Hello~Is there anyone who can help me? Please please please!
Kapayapaanify1 6 / 19  
Aug 31, 2010   #3
Your idea for this essay is undoubtedly unique. Being yourself is always beautiful, and you have expressed this quite well.

There are a few tiny mistakes which I have pointed out for you

paragraph 2
"So I held my chinschin up, looked straight forwardahead to avoid inappropriate eye contact with the students, and explained every new vocabularyword, (as vocabulary means all the words & phrases in a language) in details to the wall inat the other end of the class. However, class has begun for an hour, and the students are constantly yawning.Even though,the class had begun for an hour but the students were constantly yawning.Though eager to break the ice with my passion, I am distracted by the leader's reminder to maintain a serious manner, and the increasing pain in my grazed feet caused by the gorgeous high heels.The leaders reminder to maintain a serious manner along with the increasing pain in my feet caused by the gorgeous high heels, suppressed me to break the ice with my passion which I was so eager to do. Some students

startednoddingdozing off, and the leader iswas evaluating my performance with a frown. With great trepidations , I realized that the children were not at all allured by my so-called beauty."

3rd paragraph
"Old MacDonald hashad a farm and on his farm he hashad some ducks. As I singsang , I
flapped my arms furiously(furiously means rage & heatedness, as you don't seem to mean brutally like an animal rather wildy & hilariously so

"riotously" or "vigourously" will be more appropriate to be used here.)
like wings and waddled around the classroom. The leader raised her eyebrow this seems to be fine but if you want to dramatize it a bit you can say The leader gasped,eyebrows raised she couldn't help staring; t his is not what a traditional Chinese teacher would do in her class, but I havehad to try and appeal to the kids' playful side. Soon after, whenAs I repeated the song a third time and mimicked different animals for the third time , the class burst into laughter . Students eagerly and enthusiastically join in this unique learning method& the students started to join in eagerly . I look for the leader nervously,and surprisingly, she is dancing with the children.Nervously, I looked around for the leader, & to my utter joy & surprise she was right there dancing among the childern as if celebrating the advent of this new form of teaching

4th paragraph
I walked into the classroom again, "I will first share a story with you today:; The Ugly Duckling!" (it will look nice if you add your expression, like "I said amusingly or cheerfully") The students cannotcouldn't understand every detail, but as I exaggerated the story by varying my tone and acting it out,

I like the ending alot, it really tells who you truly are.
I hope my feedback will be of some help to you.
OP huyijia92 1 / 2  
Aug 31, 2010   #4
Thanks a lot, your feedback does help a lot!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 1, 2010   #5
Puffing, sighing, enduring the great pain of with every single step, it was not the little mermaid walking towards her prince with agonizing bliss filling her heart; it was me , toddling towards the migrant children school (no comma necessary here) with my red toes whining and wiggling in the extremely tight high heels.---- I love it!!!! Very good.

I carved her "kind" reminders in my heart. So I held my chin up, looked straight forward to avoid inappropriate eye contact with the students, and explained every new vocabulary word in detail to the wall in the other end of the class.

but I have to try and appeal to the kids' playful side---- very good!! You are a hero of a teacher...

In the last paragraph, you should probably change every verb to the past tense. That will keep it consistent. However, it actually would not be to bad to give that last para in the present tense as you did here. Is it a mistake, or did you change tenses on purpose?

This is a great essay, very meaningful.


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