Hi, please give me you guys' feedback on this essay...
Thanks in advance, everyone for your help!
What matters to you, and why?
Being a girl, I think it is inherent in me to love beauty. The topic of beauty has always attracted me. As with beautiful art, I am drawn to fine clothes, stylish hair, pretty appearances. At school I cannot ignore the looks, fashion and outward appearances all around me. Usually, the pretty girls win the praise of good-looking guys, and the other way around.
Yet I know I am not one of them. So I am out of that game by default. I could rage against the shallowness of outward beauty, but that would only reveal the deep regret that I cannot have it as well. I also wanted the comfort of having a pretty face and features to be confident about, whether at school or among strangers or in this society that valued good looks. It used to bother me greatly, as I would look in the mirror and wish for these eyes to be bigger and the neck to be thinner, and notice how my mild scoliosis kept my figure from being closer to ideal, in today's standards.
Yet when I gazed at the beautiful people, I sometimes saw a jarring contrast that diminished their outward beauty. I saw that many pretty people at school did not say or do pretty things, and were not pretty to be around. I saw starlets on television and magazine ads whose familiar gorgeous faces only reminded me of their obnoxious, crude, or proud characters. I look at my friends, and though they are not all beautiful, they are beautiful to be around. Then I read in the Bible how God did not look at what people looked at, for people judged through outward appearances, but God judged the heart, the inner person. I realized that true, unfading beauty comes with a good heart and only becomes more beautiful as a person ages, because of the additional wisdom she has gained through life experiences. It is the kind of beauty everyone was born to have, unlike outward looks which are set in at birth. I know now and am happy that I can still pursue beauty, genuine beauty, because I do not think I could ever stop caring about being beautiful.
Hey cupnoodle123! I think it's a very enjoyable and fantastic essay to read. Your own thoughts and feelings about beauty and how you justify yourself as "out of the game" makes it really personal and original.
I just have a few minor corrections:
I saw that many pretty people at school did not say or do pretty things, and were not pretty to be around. I saw starlets on television and magazine ads whose familiar gorgeous faces only reminded me of their obnoxious, crude, or proud characters. . I think you can combine those two sentences because they start with "i saw". or try and make the beginning of the second sentence different than "I saw". because it seems kind of repetitive to repeat them.
pursue beauty, genuine beauty, just put genuine beauty.
Good luck
=)
Hi, a few things...
Being a girl, I think it is inherent in me to love beauty. The topic of beauty has always attracted me. As with beautiful art, I am drawn to fine clothes, stylish hair, pretty appearances. At school I cannot ignore the looks, fashion and outward appearances all around me. Usually, the pretty girls win the praise of good-looking guys, and the other way around.
In this paragraph, you may want to use stronger-sounding words. It needs to be a little more interesting, to draw the reader's attention. I would make the paragraph longer by a sentence or two.
Yet I know I am not one of them. So I am out of that game by default. I am not sure if this sounds ok. It is a bit risky because you are saying matter-of-fact that you do not see your own beauty. I would think about how to use your words wisely, maybe say this but in a different way. I am sure the college wants to read that you are confident and have good self esteem, these qualities need to shine through your writing.
Thanks guys for the comments:) Jenny, I made some changes with your advice...do mind seeing how my essay is now? and let me know what else you think - Thanks!
i also made some changes to the last paragraph, but not big ones, hope it still flows nicely
What matters to you, and why?
Being a girl, I think it is inherent in me to love beauty. I like pretty Japanese erasers, cute cartoons, and also fine clothes, stylish hair, nice appearances. At school I cannot ignore the looks, fashion and outward beauty all around me. Typically, the pretty girls win the praise of good-looking guys, and the other way around.
Yet outward beauty was not my greatest trait and I set myself out of that game by default. I could rage against the shallowness of outward beauty, but that would only reveal the bit of regret that I did not have it as much as other girls. Many times I would have enjoyed the comfort of having a pretty face and features to be confident about, whether at school or among strangers or in this society that valued good looks. It used to bother me greatly, as I would look in the mirror and wish for this and that, and notice how my mild scoliosis kept my figure from being closer to ideal by today's standards.
Yet when I gazed at the beautiful people, I sometimes saw a jarring contrast that diminished their outward beauty. I knew many pretty people at school who did not say or do pretty things, and were not pretty to be around. I saw starlets in magazine ads whose familiar gorgeous faces only reminded me of their obnoxious, crude, or proud characters. Though my friends are not all beautiful, they are beautiful to be around, and when I am with them I know I would not want to trade away my character for outward charm. In my Bible that I read how God judges the heart, the inner person of someone, and not people's external looks. I realized that true, unfading beauty comes from the inside and only becomes more beautiful as a person ages, because of the additional wisdom she has gained through life experiences. It is the kind of beauty everyone was born to have, unlike physical beauty which is set in at birth. I know and am happy that I can still pursue genuine beauty, because I do not think I could ever stop caring about being beautiful.
