"the beauty of the universe" - my first college admission essay

Hey guys this is my first draft of my first college essay and i was hoping if some of you could give me some input and/or criticism. Please be completely honest my feelings wont be hurt. I would really appreciate any responds! Thank you very much for your time!!

Prompt: Describe an experience that you have had or a concept you have learned about that intellectually excites you.

"Hey look, look! There are huge planes and helicopters flying above us see!" said my cousin as I was listening to my ipod in the backseat of a car. I had always just ignored people when listening to music. It felt as if I was in a completely different world, one with peace and tranquility a world I could easily identify with. I had simply proceeded with my same routine and ignored him, but suddenly as I did something flickered across the car window. As I looked to see what it was I observed the most extraordinary sight that I had ever laid my eyes upon. It was not the planes or the helicopters. It was the beauty and serenity of the starry night sky.

I had never seen such a stunning sight in my entire life! The stars glistened like shiny diamonds scattered all throughout the dark sky. Illuminating the dimness and bringing forth radiance. It was truly breathtaking! I wondered how I had never seen this dazzling scene before. Suddenly thoughts came rushing to my head one by one, how were these shimmering stars created? How was the universe created? What was the purpose of these many stars? Is there intelligent life elsewhere in our vast universe?

I was compelled to discover the answers to these questions and many more. I wanted to know the answers; no I needed to know them. I needed to discover the secrets of the universe and everything in its seemingly infinite quarters. Years of science classes taught me that 15 billion years ago a tremendous explosion started the expansion of the universe. However this appeared as blasphemy to me, I refused to accept that our perfect orderly world, our sophisticated existence and our entire universe was created by simply one big bang. There had to be a more plausible answer and my stubborn mind would not let me ignore it.

Every night I would gaze at the remarkable universe and admire its placidity and splendor. However I soon realized that similar to most things in our world the universe's beauty was only skin deep. For many light years from Earth, terrifying and dangerous objects were at hand including supermassive black holes, radiation, hypervelocity stars, mangnetars, dark matter, and supernovas. These frightening presences only made the universe more baffling and intriguing to my curious mind. It seemed the more I discovered about the universe the more inexplicable it became.

Was it fate that I happened to observe the beauty of the universe that night or was it just a coincidence. I'm not sure, but either way that night changed my life forever. It gave birth to my life-long dedicated dream of revealing the secrets of the universe and uncovering the ultimate truth.

When I read this, I feel that it has a negative connotation. Instead, may I suggest:
When listening to music, I was oblivious to people around me.


This sounds a little awkward, especially at the end. Are you trying to say:
"I felt as if I was in a completely different world, a tranquil one that I could easily identify with."


Sounds more dramatic to me ^^


Here, to me, "but" more fully neutralizes the suspense built up by the word "not."


Whoa! This is an incomplete sentence. Be sure to fix this:
"The stars glistened like shiny diamonds scattered all throughout the dark sky, illuminating the dimness and bringing forth radiance."



It seems unnecessary here...


I'm confused by that part... Could you explain what you mean?


I don't know... to me, it seems a little awkward. Ignore what? :/



I'm a little troubled by this statement. What do you mean by "ultimate truth"?

Is your username chosen in honor of a very strange movie about Thai boxing?

Yep, frezard always gives great instruction.

Here is another idea, one with a dash:
one with peace and tranquility -- a world with which I could easily identify.

I wanted to know the answers; no I needed to know them. (this gets a little too strong with the claims, too much without backing the claims up by giving examples...

I needed to discover the secrets of the universe and everything in its seemingly infinite quarters. --- this is a great sentence, but really it is necessary to give examples of favorite authors such as Hawking or perhaps thinkers from philosophical traditions.

Years of science classes taught me that 15 billion years ago... the big bang is not blasphemy... actually, be careful of how you express it because it could cause confusion; some people think it is blasphemous because of straying from a biblical explanation. And anyway, the thing is, it looks like an explosion because the galaxies are moving away from another while simultaneously moving away from a central point. Or, that is my understanding, anyway. But where did that very dense compilation of matter come from before it big banged, that is what I want to know.

The topic sentence for the last para needs a ? question mark.

:-) I like the way you think, but the poetic sentences have all been done already. "I needed to discover, infinite possibilities, "... these are not as important as examples of your plans, the thinkers that influenced you, etc... the real examples.

I like this para a lot!!---> Every night I would gaze....