In my junior year, i won a design competition, and became the promotional designer of the "_____" Short Movie Contest (a movie contest among high schools with its nationwide known jury).The bliss of the winning turned quickly into the bane of the responsibilities that started filling my To-Do lists and I soon became obliged to work with an inflexible deadline,a bossy organizator and the responsibility of designing all the posters,billboards,t-shirts,tickets and awards.As i started asking myself Why? The answer came from an acquaintance calling me to ask about the designs that she had seen all over the city with my name on them.With fastly spreading posters and billboards, the calls and praise continued and peeked with the offers of small design jobs. Now after understanding the value of appreciation, with a wide grin instead of my initial frustrated look, I enjoy the occasional joy of spending my trivial paychecks.
not a native speaker.
What do you think?
Well you could possibly make your statement longer. The colleges want the personal essay to show the type of character you are.
this is a -150 word- extracurricular eloboration essay, sorry that i wasnt clear.
Hello there,
I think generally the idea is a good one. Not only it emphasizes part of your character as a responsible and hard worker, but also gives the portrait of you as an artist.
Yet, there is some inconsistencies with your structure : Why do you ask yourself "why"? After that thing start to become a little bit confusing for the reader.
As for grammar, there are some mistakes :
In my junior year, iI won a design competition and became the promotional designer of the "_____" Short Movie Contest (a movie contest among high schools with itsa nationwide knownrenown jury).The initial bliss of the winning success turned quickly into the a bane of the responsibilities that started filling my To-Do lists and I soon became obliged was obligated to work with an inflexible deadline,a bossy organizator and the responsibility duty of designing all the posters,billboards,t-shirts,tickets and awards. AsAnd i started asking myself Why? The answer came fromwhen an acquaintance callingcalled me to ask about the designs that she had seen all over the city with my name on them. With fastly a fast spreading posters and billboards, the calls and praise continued and I was peeked with the offers of small design jobs. Now after understanding the value of appreciation, with a wide grin instead of my initial frustrated look, I enjoy the occasional joy of spending my trivial paychecksAfter my initial frustrated look, I came to understand the value of appreciation and I enjoy the occasional joy of spending my trivial paychecks with a grin on my face .
Hope I have helped you, even though just a little bit :)
thanks a lot that helped me a lot
i changed the grammatical mistakes and some words in order to strengthen the meaning.
In my junior year, I won a design competition and became the promotional designer of the "_____" Short Movie Contest(a movie contest among high schools with a nationwide renown jury).But the initial bliss of success turned quickly into a bane of responsibilities that started filling my To-Do lists and I soon was obligated to work with an inflexible deadline,a bossy organizator and the duty of designing all the posters,billboards,t-shirts,tickets and awards.And i started asking myself Why I am doing this?The answer came when an acquaintance called me to ask about the designs that she had seen all over the city with my name on them.(I later found out,much to my suprise,that my full name was added under the designs.)Day by day with spreading posters and billboards,the calls and praise continued and it brought me offers of small design jobs.Now with a grin on my face,i enjoy the trivial paychecks and success that came from where it was least expected.
My pleasure :)
Now it looks much much better and way more clear for all those who read it.
Just two more small corrections (hope you don't mind) and I think everything will be as good as done :
But the initial bliss of success turned quickly into a bane of responsibilities that started fillingto fill my To-Do lists and I soon was obligated to work with an inflexible deadline,a bossy organizator and the duty of designing all the posters,billboards,t-shirts,tickets and awards
the calls and praisepraises continued and itthey brought me offers offor small design jobs.
That was it. That is all I can do for you for the moment.
Good luck with the application, I know how stressful they are.
I am so thankful to you for all these corrections. Can i ask you one last question?
Should i put the sentence starting with "I later found out.." into paranthesis? Or not?
I feel like there is a transition gap between ... with my name on them and with rapidly spreading posters
In my junior year, I won a design competition and became the promotional designer of the "_____" Short Movie Contest(a movie contest among high schools with a nationwide renown jury).But the initial bliss of success turned quickly into a bane of responsibilities that started to fill my To-Do lists and soon I became obligated to work with an inflexible deadline,a bossy organizator and the duty of designing all the posters,billboards,t-shirts,tickets and awards.And i started asking myself,Why I am doing this?The answer came when an acquaintance called me to ask about the designs that she had seen all over the city with my name on them(I later found out,much to my suprise,that my full name was added under the designs). With rapidly spreading posters and billboards,the calls and praises continued and they brought me offers for small design jobs.Now with a grin on my face,i enjoy the trivial paychecks and success that came from where it was least expected.
Yeah, I think that would really add something to the application, grammatically that is. But it also has an impact on the idea as a whole.
It is my pleasure to edit and read, so it was not much of a problem :) Tell me if you want something else looked at.
In my junior year,I won a design competition and became the promotional designer of the "____" Short Movie Contest(a movie contest among high schools with a nationwide renown jury).But the initial bliss of success turned quickly into a bane of responsibilities that started to fill my To-Do lists and I soon became obligated to work with an inflexible deadline,a bossy organizator and the duty of designing all the posters,billboards,t-shirts,tickets and awards.With the increasing number of sleepless nights and decreasing levels of energy,I started asking myself,Why I am doing this?The answer came when a relative called me to ask about the designs that she had seen all over the city with my name on them(I later found out that my full name was added under the designs).In weeks time with rapidly spreading prints,the calls and praises continued and they brought me offers for design jobs.Now with a grin under my blood-stricken eyes,i enjoy my trival paychecks and unexpected success.
Which one do you think better as whole this one or the old one?
considering as an admission officer
Ok, let me do some few changes and you are finally ready to go :-)
In my junior year,I won a design competition and became the promotional designer of the "____" Short Movie Contest(a movie contest among high schools with a nationwide renown jury).But the initial bliss of success turned quickly into a bane of responsibilities that started to fill my To-Do lists and I soon became obligatedwas soon obligated to work with an inflexible deadline,a bossy organizator and the duty of designing all the posters,billboards,t-shirts,tickets and awards. With the increasing number of sleepless nights and decreasing levels of energy,I started asking myself, why I am doing this? The answer unexpectedly came when a relative called me to ask about the designs that she had seen all over the city with my name on them (I later found out that my full name was added under the designs). In a few weeks the rapidly spreading prints, the calls and praises continued and they brought in offers for design jobs.Now with a grin under my blood-stricken eyes,i enjoy my trival paychecks and unexpected success.
Ok, I think that is all :)
Lots of luck, hope you do get accepted wherever you want to
