Goal: To answer the questions: who I am, what I want to become, and why the admissions office should choose me.
Thank you for your help so much :)
I have always been a curious person, asking a lot of questions to satisfy my inquisitive mind. Back to primary school, those were the days when I asked the most. Stepping out from the caring and protective arms of my parents, I ardently started my long-awaited adventure into the world where every single possibility could fascinate me. "Mom, how can the firefly have fire in its tail?", "Dad, why does the moon keep following me?" from the most worldly to the most theoretical matters I asked them all. And when some inquiries remained unanswered, nothing could make me feel more elated than knowing that there were schools and books to quench my thirst for knowledge. I once received a one-hour explanation from my teacher on "How people fit themselves in such tiny television screen", most of which exceeded the puerile understanding. But from that pivotal moment, it suddenly dawned on me that there was such miracle called science. Science, which I just met, seemed to be my long-lost brother. Ever since then, I buried myself in books, lessons and indulged in satiating my inquisitive mind. I consigned to oblivion the fact that what life had generously bestowed upon me without sharing to others was a possession of my selfishness, from which knowledge was not excluded. Sadly, I secluded myself from my school-fellows. Seeing me reading most of the time, they asked for my help on homework and lessons they had not understood, but my answers were cursory and superficial. Such meticulous and enthusiastic answers that the five-year-old me once received but mine to others were, however, so lukewarm and tepid. Those days dragged on until there came a life-changing experience, started with a different afternoon, which puts a smile on my face whenever I stroll down my memory lane.
"Textbook - check! Rough paper - check! And finally some pens - check! Stand-in teacher for an evening, what can be so hard?" I composed myself. Having given my word that I would substitute a friend of mine for his teaching at a local shelter, I hurriedly finished my bread and sprinted for the 5 p.m bus. On the way, I formed my preconception about a house of pale and peeling paint, creaking and rusty windows poorly lit by dim light bulbs, much like the lifeless scene from the orphanage shelters I had watched in documentary footages. But the real image took me aback. As I walked through the alley, the newly-built brick roof tiles gleamed under the sunset. When the light became intense, the roof gently shared the sunshine with its windows, whose luminous glass enlivened the whole scenery. There was no pale and peeling paint but vivid and lively color of freshly painted walls, welcoming any visitor. From the view of the approaching guest, I could see inside the room filled with something even brighter - the radiant smiles of the kids, warming my heart from distance. The fragrant smell of daisies behind the gate, carried by the November breeze, gave me a sudden urge to explore this place. The shelter lived up to its name, "Sunlight Shelter".
My student was an eight-year-old child. He struck me as a mischievous one, tricking me into believing that he was ten. But like any peers at his age, he possessed the liquid eyes of naivety; a glance at which reminded me of the majestic beauty of the cosmos, a miniature universe within the pupils. Sometimes when those eyes were raised towards me, sparkling with curiosity, I knew I had his attention. The lessons soon filled with enthusiastic questions and answers, varying from all kinds of worldly and theoretical subjects. A simple inquiry about daily diet such as "Why do we have to eat vegetables", was followed by a fifteen-minute explanation. But if memory serves, never had I encountered a moment of boredom in the two inquisitive minds. All of a sudden the reminiscence of my fateful encounter with science came back. I realized how I love this feeling, the feeling of sharing my knowledge with others, the feeling of being the farmer who sows the seeds of thoughts in the inquisitive minds, spreading knowledge to the ones who need it the most, regardless of their backgrounds. For a moment, I pictured myself in the future living in a world where knowledge would be available to people from all walks of lives.
Since that day I have opened my heart to others. I decided to sign up for "Project The Route To Knowledge", to become an official volunteer and teacher. Spending more time with the kid and supporting them with their education fostered my belief. After some notable contribution to the project, I was appointed to be the Leader Welfare In-Charge in the Project Committee. In my tenure of office, I tried my best to deliver the message of the Project "It's not only to teach but also to inspire and be inspired." By sharing my experience in teaching and my precious moments with the kids at the shelter, I hoped to communicate the humanitarian meaning of voluntary work to my fellow volunteers. That is simply to spend a modest amount of time but to do philanthropic service to the community; that is not only to help others in need but also to improve one's persona, to define and complete oneself, as the famous physicist of the twentieth century stated "Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile". And until now, I feel fortunate in that I have been presented the opportunity to optimize the usefulness of my personal virtues to help people I have met.
I sincerely hope that National University of Singapore (NUS) will wing my ambition in college years. After thorough research about the university, I find NUS a dynamic and supportive environment for me to cultivate my knowledge and cooperate with my college friends on improving the community. My fondest wish is to study in Computer Engineering major, as to pursue my dream of becoming a computer engineer who develops the cutting edge, educational and economical technology, delivering knowledge to the inquisitive minds all over the world.
Hoang, your essay is a bit too long and does not really offer complete answers to the prompt requirements. It feels like you wrote this essay for a different prompt and you are trying to make it fit into this one for some reason. Don't try to just reuse your old essays for different prompts. You will find that it makes your essay problematic and will require you to do more revision work than if you had just written a new essay for the new prompt. I have a suggested outline for your revision. Try to write the essay in the following manner.
1. Who am I? - I am a curous and inquisitive person who...
2. What I want to become - After having experienced what it was like to tutor kids as a member of the "Project The Route to Knowledge", I came to realize that I want to become a teacher because... (Don't tell the story of the 8 year old anymore. It is an anecdote that is not necessary and just adds to the length of the essay.)
3. Why the admissions office should choose me - y fondest wish is to study in Computer Engineering major, as to pursue my dream of becoming a computer engineer who develops the cutting edge, educational and economical technology, delivering knowledge to the inquisitive minds all over the world. (Include any accomplishments and awards you received as a student, then discuss your personal reasons for choosing NUS to conclude the essay).
These are just the starter revision points for your essay. Once you write the new essay, you will find that it better answers the prompt. You don't need more than 3 paragraphs to totally deliver the required information to the reviewer. So keep it as simple and easy to read as possible :-)
