Please I would like you to correct my essay.
We are asked to write the following in our personal statement.
- Motivations with which you apply for this program
- Family and Education background
- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you
- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.
Motivation with which you apply.
In South Korea, Science and technology is accompanied by economic growth. South Korea has not only become one of the worlds technological giant but has also been classified as a citadel of quality education. With about four of her universities in the top 100 of the 2016/2017 QS World University Rankings. As I'm always striving to get the best out of myself, the universities in South Korea offer me the opportunity to take courses which give me insights in business in Korea and the Korea economy. Being enthusiastic about Korea education system and its good reputation, it is also a safe country with a welcoming environment. In addition, attending a university in Korea will be an advantage for me to learn the richness of the Korea culture and the and the distinctive blend of tradition that makes it a vibrant country. I therefore decided to apply for the Korean Government Scholarship Program to utilize the opportunity of studying from one of the world's leading economy, technological giant and citadel of great learning to develop my business knowledge.
Personal background in family and Education
I was born into an average family in the western part of Nigeria. I came from a retail trade business oriented family where I also took part in the running even at childhood. I helped in calculating our daily incomes and to keep a record of it, with a my parents having a junior secondary school diploma. My father is a Road transporter and he is also the president of a co-operative Society and my mother manages a restaurant. This is what first drove me to business and encourage me to produce idea of my own. The idea that maths is involved with almost every aspects of a person's daily life intrigues me. This inspired me deeply and proved that it is a career I want to pursue. And as times goes on my interest had expanded to the line of accounting and commerce in school. I began to realize how important business is to various aspects of humanity, and ever since then I always organized and assigned task to my colleagues both in school and at home.
Extracurricular Activities
As a high school student, I participated in school activities such as debates and the weekly school news. I have developed my confidence and speech ability during these activities. I have also developed the ability to think quickly under pressure through debating. While in high school, I served as the vice president of the business students association, committee member in press club where we had to organize a weekly school debate. I was also given the privilege to be the school social prefect and my responsibility include attending meetings with the school principal and staffs among others.
These experiences instilled essential characteristics in me such as the leadership skills and communications skills, and I believe it would be a strong point for me as an aspiring business expert.
Significant Experience.
Setting my personal goals helps not only my motivation but also self-esteem and confidence. I have always dreamed of being a business expert. That one dream which can never be replaced by other dreams. That dream took a backseat, when my father had a financial problem. He was scammed by one of his close friends, his friend introduced a fake business plan to him. That my father will be able to import spare parts and bulldozer. My father fell into the trap and he lost everything. I was a middle school student at that time and we had the hardest time ever as a family. Our home was taken by the loan sharks and we had to relocate. But it wasn't easy and straightforward as I thought it would be. My mother's business become our only hope.
It was at the time when my sister had just finished her senior secondary school, and my brother is being a fresh man studying for a National Diploma. My family couldn't afford to pay for our school fees and as I result, I dropped out of school, after the completion of my middle school. It was a tough decision for my father, because he had always wanted the best for us. I Develop an idea to support my family financially, two ideas particularly stand out to me: firstly, starting a small chops business. I noticed that it is rare to find this finger food in my street and next, with the help of my mother, we started roughly and few months later I can handle the business on my own, I understood the risk involved in running the business and how health and safety plays a major role. In order to expand my knowledge and understanding of running a business, I got the opportunity to join Tasly, a networking business, which I took pleasured in and found uplifting for my Academic goals. It is a marketing method for developing sales based on referrals, this marketing exposed me on how to promote the product to new customers. In the weekly seminars organized by the networking company I was lectured on how to convince people to buy something and how to make new customers join the network, that way the referral level will go up each time a new member is added, The experience I gained helped me to create awareness to my mother business and we earned a lot. I learned tailoring during this period of time, for two years and eight months. After my graduation in tailoring, I enrolled in a tutorial class which helped me catch up with what I had missed from school. With all these, I finally got re-enrolled in high school My past has taught me to withstand hardship, think my way out of problems and not settle for anything less. Enrolling on a degree course is just the beginning for me and I aspire to achieve much more in the next few years.
Right now, your essay is 890 words which is really long for a personal statement. They are usually about 600-650 words long (some would even say 500). Anyways, your essay showcases a lot about your life but not much about who you are. I made the same mistake writing mines. Also, you tell in a lot of parts of essays, you'll want to show in a way that people reading your essay could visualize that exact moment.
To shorten your essay, I would choose parts of your essay that relates to business (your career path). I see your father and family has a lot of impact on you (keep that). I would get rid of the first paragraph as it is quite irrelevant to your main point which is who you are and why you're interested in pursuing retail/business. There are also grammatical errors in this essay so I would recommend reading it out loud to spot them because we often miss a lot of punctuation and grammatical rules when we write. If you need any more help, let me know!
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Mariam, is this for an undergraduate application or a masters degree application? Your story is confusing and without any real direction. You are not following the prompt outline which is why your essay does not flow smoothly and make sense to the reader. Remove the outline format and focus on creating a responsive essay using the original prompt outline you were provided. Your family background is acceptable. Your educational background needs to present more accomplishments as a high school student on your part. Honors, awards, and accolades are a necessary part of this essay because only the best and the brightest, as evidenced by their academic achievements, are considered for this scholarship. Your extra curricular activities are too generic for it to impress the reviewer. There needs to be a significant activity on your part that relates to the college major / masters degree you are applying to. When you speak of your significant experience, you should be discussing some internship activities, part time work, or relevant experience working in the industry on your part. Focus your response in that part on Tasly instead and move the part about your parents being conned and losing the house to the motivation part of the essay. Your current response in that section is irrelevant and needs to be replaced with a motivation that makes sense. After you tell your parent's story, explain why you decided to study in Korea. How does a Korean education relate to your motivation? Make it something impressive. Make the essay long enough to fully explain yourself with regards to each prompt. You know the maximum word requirement for the essay so you have room to develop the discussions.
