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'Want to become a business woman' - transfer essay (what I can learn from life)


michelle127 1 / 1  
Feb 22, 2009   #1
Hello, please help me to improve it and give some suggestions

addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectivs you hope

I always ask myself what I can learn from life, and the response that I always receive is experience. Experiences are the foundation which allows me to grow, live, and survive in an all too changing, chaotic, fallible world. At times these experiences can fill the human body with feeling of achievement, satisfaction, and even suffering. Personally, I feel that experiences which content the soul are the most worthwhile of my many personal adventures in life. I think if I can study in Stony Brook University that will be a good experience in my life.

My dream is to become a business woman. However, at present the international economical situation is very difficult. The economic crisis is hanging over lots of countries. Personally, I feel during this hard time each country should work in concert and tide over the difficulties together. That's a big reason why I choose Stony Brook. I know at Stony Brook students from all 50 states and 110 foreign countries. That allows me earlier know how to work with diffident country people, indeed know diffident country's' culture, that's good for my future life. Furthermore, Stony Brook has many experienced professors and professional academic environment. These will allows me receive more knowledge.

The color of Stony Brook is red; I do believe if I can study in Stony Brook will made me become a person who is full of passion, zeal and enthusiasm.

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Feb 23, 2009   #2
Experiences areis the foundation which allows me to grow, live, and survive in an all too changing, chaotic, fallible world.

At times these experiences can fill the human body with feelings of achievement, satisfaction, and even suffering.

That's the big reason why I chose Stony Brook.

I know that at Stony Brook there are students from all 50 states and 110 foreign countries.

That allows me earlier know how to work with diffident country people, indeed know diffident country's' culture, that's good for my future life.

The sentence above needs revision for clarity.

Furthermore, Stony Brook has many experienced professors and a professional academic environment. These will allows me receive more knowledge.

This doesn't need to be said, and sounds sort of juvenile. Maybe you could mention what you plan to study, and what this school has to offer towards that goal besides diversity.

The color of Stony Brook is red; I do believe if I can study at Stony Brook will made me become a person who is full of passion, zeal and enthusiasm.

If you'd like to revise and repost, we'll be here to help you.

:)
OP michelle127 1 / 1  
Feb 23, 2009   #3
Thank you so much, I think my essay needs elaborate, so I revise like this, help me to improve.

I always ask myself what I can learn from life, and the response that I always receive is experience. Experience is the foundation which allows me to grow, live, and survive in an all too changing, chaotic, fallible world. At times these experiences can fill the human body with feelings of achievement, satisfaction, and even suffering. Personally, I feel that experiences which content the soul are the most worthwhile of my many personal adventures in life. I feel that my experience talking with some successful business man has given me a great lesson, allows me know how the important of education.

These businessmen all very successful, they have earned a lot of money. But they all decided go back to school to re-study. They thought if they want to have more development, they have to expand their knowledge. Therefore, I choose to transfer to Stony Brook. I want to have a full education at Stony Brook, I know Stony Brook has many experienced professors and a professional academic environment, I think these will really help me in my study road.

My dream is to become a business woman. However, at present the international economical situation is very difficult. The economic crisis is hanging over lots of countries. Personally, I feel during this hard time, each country should work in concert and tide over the difficulties together. I know that at Stony Brook there are students from all 50 states and 110 foreign countries, that allows me can earlier know how to work with diffident country people, indeed know diffident country's' culture, that's good for my future life.

I do believe if I can study at Stony Brook will made me become a person who is full of passion, zeal and enthusiasm.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Feb 24, 2009   #4
You're getting there. Some more suggestions:

"I always ask myself what I can learn from life, and the response that I always receive is experience" I don't know that you learn experience. You may have experiences that you learn from, but it sounds a bit odd to say that you learned the experience.

"some successful businessmen"

"that allows me can earlier know how to work with diffident country people, indeed know diffident country's' culture, that's good for my future life." The first part of this clause is grammatically mangled. Also, I'm pretty sure you are misusing "diffident" in this sentence. Revise.


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