I need some feedback please.
thank you :D
The rays of the 2007 summer stung my back like sizzling needles as I ran back and forth with the 2nd graders in a game of tag. Their innocent laughs echoed throughout the campus and I can still hear them when I return to visit. The air conditioned room was sublime in contrast to the scorching heat on the playground. We gave the kids a moment to settle down and after everyone caught their breath, it was time to engage in academics. The daily routine of them pulling out their homework had become a ritual to me in which I saw them exert endless effort. This time around it was something more. The duty of being a child mentor brought me to discover something of my own. I was astounded by the intelligence of the children. They spoke eloquently of science and reading, in ways I did not know a 7 year old child could speak. Their aptitude electrified me and I became hungry to witness more. I was fascinated with the ways in which they projected their ideas. This made me realize that working with children was a proper fit for me.
Supervising them triggered memories of my elementary school days. I could see every one of my classmates in the faces of these children. In the voyage through my memories, I realized that the determination they convey in the classroom would become difficult to preserve.
They were all at risk of deviating off the path they were on.
I remembered my friends who shared play time and homework time with me when I was a child. Throughout the years I have witnessed how many of them became victims of a negative cycle. I remember friends who joined gangs, those who dropped out of school and those who were imprisoned in a state of mind that persuaded them that they could not achieve anything. I saw this cycle over and over.
After self- reflection, I became aware that I could do something to keep children in the right direction. I do not want the youth to wander down a path of disorder and failure. I personally believe that what children acquire throughout their younger years, they will carry on for life. If we begin focus on children at key ages, we can make sure they develop a positive attitude and a desire to thrive. As they grow into adolescence, of course, problems will become inevitable but what they learned when they were younger will shape them into a person who makes the wisest of decisions. I was taught not to give in to challenges and temptations, to be persistent even if all the odds are overpowering. Challenges exist so that we excel beyond what we expect. I want to become a clinical psychologist to treat and diagnose disorders that may interfere with the road to success.
I liked your simile of the sun being sizzling needles. very well put together. It is kind of confusing as to what is going on in the first couple sentences. Are you a teacher that wants to become a child psychologist?
no just a child psychologist?
how can i improve it?
pierced ---- this is not the right word, I think! I like the sentence, but consider "stung" or something similar.
Okay, this is the first excellent sentence: Although they were excelling at this moment, I could not help but think about how they could wander off the path they were on right now. ------ excellent because it intrigues me as a reader.
Now get rid of the 2 mentions of heat vs. air conditioning. To heck with all that. :-) Condense that first para into 2 sentence so that my favorite sentence (above, about wandering off the path) can be in the first paragraph.
I was taught not to give in and to be persistent even if all the odds seem as they are against me you . They are only there to help you learn and use it later on.
Use this rule in writing: "less is more"
I want to become a child psychologist and I want to guide children along the path to success.
:-)
I want to become a clinical psychologist to treat and diagnose disorders that may interfere with the road to success.
how can i improve this last sentence?
should i still make my intro one paragraph?
this is my revised version. I COULD STILL USE A LOT OF HELP
This is really well written prose; however, the language seems to be a bit too flowery. The imagery is a really good touch, but the verb usage needs some improvement. "Although they were excelling at this moment, I could not help but think about how they could wander off the path they were on right now." This sentence is a bit too confusing and could definitely be condensed.
what do you mean by flowery?
how can i improve my language?
I need help closing my essay!
in the first paragraph, you should spell out seven instead of 7
and for the last sentence put 'becoming a clinical psychologist will...' instead of 'i want to become a clinical psychologist to...'
